THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN DATING ONLINE

Looking for love online? We’ve got some tips to help you on your journey to find #theone!  

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KNOW YOUR APPS 

When we say “dating app”, what comes to mind? We’re going to take a guess and say Tinder. But it’s 2020 – the market is FULL of dating apps! Your job is to find out which one suits your goals, as every app has a different vibe. Some apps are notorious for their hookup culture (we’re looking at you, Tinder), while Bumble gives more control to women as it requires them to make the first move and message matches within 24 hours. Do your research to see which one is suited for you. “Personally, I prefer using Bumble as it gives a lot of info about the person before you even start chatting, such as their smoking habits and even if they want kids, etc. I also feel safer knowing I have to make the first move.” – Sisanda, 30

KNOW THAT IT MIGHT NOT HAPPEN ON AN APP

Love works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it’s a swipe in the right direction, sometimes it’s a DM in your Twitter inbox from a hottie you’ve been following asking you to go out for a drink. It happens! “I was following my now husband on Twitter for a few years when one day I saw him commenting on a mutual friend’s Facebook post. I decided to add him as a friend and sent him a message to ask how he’s doing. He asked for my number and we started talking on WhatsApp and calling each other. He then drove down from Pretoria to Cape Town to meet me… we’ve been together for 5 years and married for over a year!” – Leandri, 30 

BE UPFRONT ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE IN THE MARKET FOR 

We’re not saying you should drop an “I want to get married” message 5 minutes after your first interaction, but it will save both of you so much time if you’re clear about your goals sooner rather than later. When you’re ready to broach the topic, keep it light-hearted and make sure you’re clear that you’re only bringing it up to ensure you’re both on the same page and it’s not to pressure the other person into a commitment. “We’d both just come out of tough relationships so said that we weren’t ready for anything serious, but wanted to get to know each other and hang out. We spoke about it quite early so that nobody got the wrong impression of anything.” – Trevor, 29 

 

DO YOUR RESEARCH

There’s nothing wrong with erring on the side of caution before meeting up, it’s very easy to lie online. You need to make sure that this person is who they say they are and the only way to establish this is with a good ol’ fashioned Google search. “Should I swipe right on a match on Tinder it would be based first on their looks, and then what’s written on their profile. I will then do my research on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. This is to find out more about the type of guy I’ll be engaging with, and if he and I are compatible. Based on his pictures and posts I will gauge his personality and that will be how I measure our compatibility and if I should continue chatting to him.” – Zandile, 37 

DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO THE TEXTING PHASE

While it’s fun to have someone to talk to and feel that rush of excitement when you see their name on your phone screen (tech endorphins are real!), the texting phase can also be a very misleading time as there really is no guarantee that there will be a spark when you meet in real life. “We set up a first date and when I arrived she was exactly the same as her profile picture which was awesome – yay no catfish! But, the conversation in person wasn’t so great. She seemed distracted the whole night and was a little awkward. At the end of the night I was surprised when she asked me to let her know when I’m home safe and when I did, I discovered that she’d blocked me.” – Simone, 35

DON’T BE AFRAID TO MEET UP SOON AFTER INITIATING CONVERSATION 

You’ve been chatting for a while and it’s going well, why draw it out even longer? Set up a date! The sooner you can establish if there’s as much chemistry offline as online, the better. “I think you get the most out of someone the sooner you meet. The longer you wait, the more you’ll have built up expectations and the more likely it is you’ll be disappointed.” – Zawadi, 28  

PICK A QUICK MEET-UP SPOT 

There is nothing more awkward than sitting through a 3-course meal with someone you’re not that into. Pick a spot where you’ll be able to dash if things aren’t going according to plan. Just don’t make the mistake of taking a fake phone call, just to have your phone ring mid fake-conversation… Awkwaaaard!  “I recently went on a date with a guy who was late, didn’t make a reservation (it was so embarrassing to sit there waiting for him!) and then he made me go halfsies on a R70 drinks bill. It was awful!” – Ntokozo, 34

DON’T LOSE HOPE

So things didn’t work out this time, don’t lose hope! They don’t call it ‘browsing the web’ for nothing, there are plenty of fish in the digital sea! 

HOW TO STAY SAFE ONLINE

Keeping usernames and passwords private and not revealing personal details is a good rule of thumb for online interactions, but online dating carries added risks. There are many happy couples who met online and got married, but there are other people who have lost money – or even their lives in extreme cases – at the hands of people they first met in cyberspace. Online predators (called catfishers) prey on people who are desperate for love or promises of jobs. Catfishers create fake online profiles to lure the unsuspecting victim to make contact, win their trust and get their personal details. These scammers very quickly profess strong feelings for you and suggest moving on to private communication channels like email, phone or instant messaging. After spending months gaining your trust, they ask for intimate photos of you, money or gifts. That’s when alarm bells should go off, no matter how sincere the person sounds!

WARNING SIGNS

The problem when people are being catfished is that, unfortunately, they’re being too hopeful, says Sarah Hoffman, a social media specialist and associate at The Digital Law Company in Johannesburg. ‘When you begin to engage in a relationship with someone you’ve only met online, you need to be sceptical and exercise great caution before sharing personal information. Look out for red flags such as a reluctance to video call, or if they only have a small number of photos and rarely take new ones,’ she says.

Another tell-tale sign is when someone agrees to meet you in person but comes up with excuses at the last minute. Or they tell you a sad story and ask for money or your personal details. If you don’t respond immediately, the calls increase or they threaten to make public private images you’ve shared unless you pay up. If you’re in an online relationship and it goes sour, you can simply break off contact with the person by blocking them. Also consider deactivating your social media accounts for a while.

PROTECT YOURSELF 

There are support systems and laws in place to protect you against online abuse. Do not pay money. If you do it once, the demands will simply continue or worse –
the amount demanded will keep increasing. If the person starts slandering or stalking you in cyberspace, social media sites like Facebook have their own reporting mechanisms for harmful, offensive or illegal content. If someone threatens you online, take screenshots as evidence for the police. If you know the person, you have the right to protect yourself in terms of the Protection from Harassment Act. ‘If someone cyber-abuses you, you can lay a charge at the police station and obtain a protection order,’ says Hoffman. ‘In certain circumstances, where there has been a real infringement of dignity, you could lay a charge of crimen injuria, which is the criminal infringement of your right to dignity. You can also go the traditional route and sue for defamation. However, this is a very long and costly process, and the awards for defamation in South Africa are historically very low.’