QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE MOVING IN TOGETHER


Moving in together before getting married is a popular trend among young couples. But it’s also a big step. We look at what you should consider before taking the leap.


Some couples decide to live together as a precursor to marriage (after becoming engaged, for example). Others don’t believe in marriage as an institution, but are nevertheless committed to one another and their relationship. Whatever your reasons, here are some important issues to take into account before you decide to share a home.

ON THE UP SIDE

Companionship
Generally, studies have found that couples move in together because they want to spend more time with one another. And while there are no hard-and-fast rules about when the ‘right’ time is to do so, both partners should feel a sense of commitment that goes beyond just the foreseeable future. Living together allows you to relish more time – and more relaxed time – with your partner, while before, shared time would be spent on planned activities like dates.



Sharing of financial responsibilities
Living together cuts down day-to-day expenses such as rent, water and electricity bills, as there is only one home, so only one set of bills. If you both lived on your own, you’d also both be using electricity or gas for cooking your separate meals. You’ll also spend less on travel as you won’t be going to and from one another’s homes, and on phone bills! It is, however, important to discuss how you will approach bills and expenses before you move in together. Decide who will pay for what, or whether you will halve everything, taking into consideration that one partner might earn more than the other.

Laying the groundwork
Living together can ‘often reveal more quickly whether your relationship is one you want to invest in long term,’ explains couple counsellor Pippa Solomon. ‘Conflict patterns can also be more easily seen, which point to where your relationship needs work.’ Being in a committed relationship takes effort, honesty and time, and living together can be a wonderful opportunity to develop and grow with your partner.

ON THE DOWN SIDE

Loss of independence and ‘me’ time
The excitement of a shared life may become overshadowed by either partner beginning to feel they are in each other’s company too much – they miss their own quiet times or socialising independently with friends.

It’s not so cute anymore…
After four months of living together, those characteristics you found so endearing when you were dating could turn out to be highly annoying and frustrating. Your partner’s easy-going, laid-back style could translate into untidiness or forgetting important appointments or dates. More serious issues might arise if you discover you differ drastically in your approach to spending money, handling responsibilities, table manners or personal hygiene!



Testing the trust factor
Living together accelerates the process whereby, over time, our past ‘baggage’ comes to the surface. ‘Relationships are designed to help us grow and evolve,’ says Solomon. ‘They are a gift, because we can’t be very close to another person if we’ve got things in the way that prevent us from trusting love.’ Couples need to find a way of working with often painful issues, so that they don’t lead to irreparable disconnection, mistrust and conflict.

Some couples choose to wait for marriage before living together. This choice may be based on personal preference, or for religious or traditional reasons. Whatever you and your partner decide, making a life together with your loved one can be an extraordinary journey. ‘Commit to your relationship,’ Solomon advises. ‘Pay attention to your doubts, fears and your needs. Learn to ask for what you need and find a way to repair from conflict. Keep working on keeping your love alive.’

TOP TIPS

  • Try to maintain quality time with your partner, and establish a balance between ‘together’ time and a few independent activities that you can enjoy alone. These could include book club, dance class, a girls’ (or boys’) night out every second or third week.
  • Be conscious about ground rules and expectations. ‘We are brought up in different families that have different systems and ways of doing things,’ says Solomon. ‘A common conflict arises when one partner feels they are doing more than the other. Discuss balancing responsibilities, so that each person feels they are investing equally.’ 
  • Unlike marriage, living together doesn’t automatically come with a contract. If you have any legal concerns about property and finances, seek advice from a professional, who may advise you to draw up a civil union contract, which is designed to protect both parties.

You can also reference the following self-help books that offer sound advice to give you a push in the right direction:
Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples by Ralph Warner, Toni Ihara, Frederick Hertz
Living Together by Mike McManus.



QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE MOVING IN TOGETHER QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE MOVING IN TOGETHER Reviewed by Jet Club on March 05, 2020 Rating: 5
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