WHAT IS GASLIGHTING AND HOW CAN YOU HEAL FROM IT?

Gaslighting – a form of emotional and mental abuse – can be as harmful as physical abuse. Victims often don’t seek help because their abuser has made them doubt themselves, but you can break free of the vicious cycle.

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Khanyi (32) still recalls how she could not stop crying after watching British royal family members Prince Harry and Megan Markle’s interview with Oprah. In the months that followed their marriage, Megan says she was made to feel inferior and the subject of racist remarks. Being in the public eye, speaking out became her only way to break free from her gilded cage. Khanyi relates. ‘It happened to me, too,’ she says. ‘Not with my in-laws, though – with my husband and my own parents.’

She fell pregnant at the age of 18 and got married. ‘My parents and I were happy,’ she says. But her happiness was short-lived. After their daughter was born, her husband began making insulting comments about her weight. ‘Then money began to disappear from my wallet,’ she recalls. As it turned out, Khanyi’s husband was stealing from her. When she confronted him, he first made her think she was losing the money, then later blamed his theft on her, saying he wouldn’t be in debt if she supported him properly. She stayed with him although she was miserable.

Then she discovered she was pregnant with their second child. ‘He said it wasn’t his, that I had to terminate. I finally realised I had to leave,’ says Khanyi. Thinking she’d have the support of her parents, she was horrified when they refused to let her stay with them, even for a few days. ‘They didn’t believe in divorce,’ she says. ‘They thought I was a “bad wife” for taking my children away from their father and – perhaps most importantly – drawing attention to the family in a negative way.’ Moving in with them and getting a divorce would have people talking.

She believes her family was more concerned with what people would say than with her wellbeing. ‘They wanted me to tolerate his behaviour. They made me feel that I was to blame. I felt so alone. But friends supported me, and I got back on my feet. I don’t speak to my parents anymore; it’s just too painful.’

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WHEN SPEAKING UP HURTS
According to Cape Town-based family counsellor Mimi Hewett, this is gaslighting, a very common form of psychological and emotional abuse, where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories.

‘People who experience this often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves,’ she says. ‘It is widespread in intimate partnerships, parent-child relationships and institutions. Sadly, not many people speak up about it, mainly because of fear, self-doubt and the destruction this kind of abuse has already caused to the victim’s self-worth.’

Jessica (36) endured months of sexual abuse by her uncle. Eventually she gathered the courage to confide in a friend’s mother – who then told her mother. Her father was very upset about her telling other people. ‘I was not surprised by my uncle’s denial,’ she says. ‘But what hurt the most was that my father seemed to blame me and was more concerned about who else knew. My parents said I should never speak of it again – pressing charges was out of the question, and we were going to handle this privately, as a family.’

Jessica left home after completing her diploma, and occasionally communicates with her mother, but she has not set foot in the family home for more than 15 years. She recently started attending a weekly support group. ‘I am still working on the shame, hurt and disappointment,’ she admits. ‘Healing and forgiveness is a long process.’

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THE ROAD TO HEALING
Hewett agrees, and says people deal differently with trauma and abuse. ‘Some people prefer to deal with it privately; others have the need to express themselves,’ she says. She recommends seeking help from a professional to begin the healing process. ‘Find someone who will listen, understand and validate your feelings, without judgement, who can give you some insight,’ she says.

‘Family therapy can sometimes work in rebuilding relationships and healing. I would also recommend writing your thoughts and feelings down – especially if you don’t have someone to talk to regularly. Writing about a traumatic experience has a positive impact on your healing process. This way, you are still getting it out. ‘If you want to still have a relationship with the person or people who hurt you – you may do so but set clear boundaries within the relationship to prevent possible future problems.’

You can’t force someone to listen if they don’t want to, so if family members refuse to admit any wrongdoing, you can’t do anything about that and should try to heal and move on as best you can, Hewett says.

GASLIGHTING 101
The term gaslighting is derived from the play Gas Light, written by British dramatist Patrick Hamilton in 1938. (In the play, an abusive husband slowly dims the gas lights in his home, while pretending to his wife that nothing is different, in an attempt to convince her and others that she’s insane.) Gaslighting is an intentional and malicious form of emotional and mental abuse. The perpetrator often deliberately plants seeds of doubt, making the victim question their perception of reality.

SIGNS OF A GASLIGHTER

• They constantly tell outright lies.
• They often remind you of your flaws or faults.
• They convince you that other people are wrong and are liars.
• They are good at projecting and may, for example, cheat but accuse you of being a cheater.
• The gaslighter’s actions often don’t match their words.
• Being master manipulators, they use and turn people against you.
• They manipulate and make you or others question your sanity.
• Despite ill-treatment, the victim still seeks their validation.

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