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Emotional outbursts are par for the course in young kids. Here’s how to best approach a meltdown.
Many parents and caregivers will agree that dealing with an emotional toddler is one of the biggest challenges in parenting.
It’s completely normal to feel at your wit’s end when trying to contain a screaming child at home, let alone in the aisle of a supermarket. Before we look at how to mitigate a potential tantrum, we need to understand what lies behind it.
WHY TEMPER TANTRUMS HAPPEN
Young children are still in an early stage of social, emotional and language development. This means that they haven’t yet learnt how to self-regulate, and acting out the way they do is how they express their unhappiness about a situation.
Tantrums usually happen when a child is tired, hungry, uncomfortable, over-excited or wants something they can’t have. These emotional storms can manifest in various ways, such as verbal outbursts, physical reactions or even silence. Sometimes toddlers may even resort to extreme behaviour, such as holding their breath until they pass out, or kicking or hitting you.
As parents or caregivers, understanding the root causes behind tantrums and offering patience, empathy and comfort can help guide children through these challenging moments and teach them healthier ways to manage their emotions.
IN A PUBLIC SPACE
Dealing with an upset toddler in front of other people just adds to your (and their) anxiety. Children often throw tantrums in shops because they are attracted by all the sights, sounds and smells around them, which results in them becoming overstimulated.
The best solution is to remove the child from the environment completely. Even if it means putting down your basket of groceries, do it immediately. If you’re unable to leave, you’ll have to push through. And don’t pay attention to onlookers – people will always have opinions or even advice on how they think you should respond, which just adds to the stress and pressure.
DON’T PUNISH YOUR CHILD
Out of sheer exasperation, many parents resort to punishing their children for their emotional outburst. While it might feel like the right thing to do at the time, shouting at them, getting physical, shutting them in a room to calm down or matching their energy will do more harm than good.
When we repeatedly minimise a child’s emotions or attempt to control them, they end up becoming even more distressed and are less likely to become self-aware. Research has shown that children who have the space to express emotion freely tend to be more socially aware and less angry.
As the adult, you are more capable of understanding your emotions and being in control of them. It is your responsibility to make your child feel like you are their safe space.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Allow yourself to make mistakes – and know that mistakes will happen. The most important thing to remember here is that if you do shout at them, you need to apologise for your own outburst.
Name exactly what you’re apologising for and reassure your child that you’ll do better next time. This lets them know that sometimes you are going to make a mistake and reprimand them, but their behaviour doesn’t make them inherently bad.
Tips for handling a tantrum
1. Your child is physically much smaller than you, so getting down to their level will make them feel less intimidated.
2. Wait for a break in their behaviour to speak.
3. Speak in a calm voice and say something like, ‘When you’re ready, I’m here for a hug or to talk about what you’re feeling.’ This shows them you understand what they are going through and that you know it’s difficult for them to process.
4. If you isolate a child during a tantrum, it teaches them that the big feelings they’re trying to work through are wrong and punishable. On a bigger scale, you’re showing them that your love is conditional.
5. Don’t ignore them once they’ve calmed down.
6. In day-to-day life, normalise talking about emotions so that when they have a tantrum, they’ll be better equipped to verbalise how they feel and be able to self-regulate.
Words by: Emma Follett-Botha
Photograph: Gallo/Getty Images
As parents or caregivers, understanding the root causes behind tantrums and offering patience, empathy and comfort can help guide children through these challenging moments and teach them healthier ways to manage their emotions.
IN A PUBLIC SPACE
Dealing with an upset toddler in front of other people just adds to your (and their) anxiety. Children often throw tantrums in shops because they are attracted by all the sights, sounds and smells around them, which results in them becoming overstimulated.
The best solution is to remove the child from the environment completely. Even if it means putting down your basket of groceries, do it immediately. If you’re unable to leave, you’ll have to push through. And don’t pay attention to onlookers – people will always have opinions or even advice on how they think you should respond, which just adds to the stress and pressure.
DON’T PUNISH YOUR CHILD
Out of sheer exasperation, many parents resort to punishing their children for their emotional outburst. While it might feel like the right thing to do at the time, shouting at them, getting physical, shutting them in a room to calm down or matching their energy will do more harm than good.
When we repeatedly minimise a child’s emotions or attempt to control them, they end up becoming even more distressed and are less likely to become self-aware. Research has shown that children who have the space to express emotion freely tend to be more socially aware and less angry.
As the adult, you are more capable of understanding your emotions and being in control of them. It is your responsibility to make your child feel like you are their safe space.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Allow yourself to make mistakes – and know that mistakes will happen. The most important thing to remember here is that if you do shout at them, you need to apologise for your own outburst.
Name exactly what you’re apologising for and reassure your child that you’ll do better next time. This lets them know that sometimes you are going to make a mistake and reprimand them, but their behaviour doesn’t make them inherently bad.
Tips for handling a tantrum
1. Your child is physically much smaller than you, so getting down to their level will make them feel less intimidated.
2. Wait for a break in their behaviour to speak.
3. Speak in a calm voice and say something like, ‘When you’re ready, I’m here for a hug or to talk about what you’re feeling.’ This shows them you understand what they are going through and that you know it’s difficult for them to process.
4. If you isolate a child during a tantrum, it teaches them that the big feelings they’re trying to work through are wrong and punishable. On a bigger scale, you’re showing them that your love is conditional.
5. Don’t ignore them once they’ve calmed down.
6. In day-to-day life, normalise talking about emotions so that when they have a tantrum, they’ll be better equipped to verbalise how they feel and be able to self-regulate.
Words by: Emma Follett-Botha
Photograph: Gallo/Getty Images
HOW TO BEST APPROACH A MELTDOWN
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Reviewed by Amaarah
on
November 15, 2023
Rating:
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
November 15, 2023
Rating:
