SOLO DATES - YAY OR NAY?

If your significant other is busy, spoil yourself with a solo self-care date. It’s not as weird as you may think, and is essential for a life well-lived.

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Ever since it caught on in the noughties, the expression ‘me time’ has always made me cringe a little. This sort of sentiment did not align with multi-tasking, never-say-no types such as myself.

So it’s perhaps not surprising that I hit a wall circa 2020 – after simmering in a spicy stew of stress and a back-breaking workload for years, I experienced total burnout and was forced to face the mortifying realisation that I was subject to the same human frailties as everyone else.

If we don’t prioritise ‘self-care’ and little solo dates, chances are life will do it for us – via a rift in a relationship, illness, a career disaster or some other form of ‘nervy-B’ (as one of my delightfully sarcastic friends likes to call a nervous breakdown). That’s if we’re lucky. If not, the best we can hope for is to stagger through life as a frazzled, sweaty, resentful hot mess, wondering where the time and our happiness went.

“Many people, especially women, battle to put themselves first because they have been taught not to,” says Joburg-based life and career coach Penny Holburn. “We have been taught to believe that we are not nice or good people if we think about ourselves. The problem is that if we don’t, we are not usually nice to be around anyway. It’s only when you learn to take care of yourself that you are able to give of your best to those around you.” Penny, who teaches a time management course, reassures that there are effective ways to take back control of your time.

SET BOUNDARIES
Those of us prone to feeling overwhelmed, and who would rather stick forks into our kneecaps than say ‘no’, may need to work on our boundaries. Penny suggests three ways:

• Observe someone you know who is better at saying ‘no’ and learn from them.
• Practise setting boundaries with people you know well first, especially your life partner. They are likely to be more receptive to your new resolve.
• Book a few sessions with a life coach or therapist who can offer guidance about how you can set and maintain boundaries.

TIME MAGIC
You have to admit that ‘time magic’ sounds a lot more splendid than time management. And yet, good time management can magically add extra hours to your day. Hours you could spend bubble-bathing, reading, studying, hugging a tree, eating at your favourite café, working out, napping, socialising or whatever fits your definition of treating yourself.

“Most people who are successful in life have good time management skills,” says Penny. “You get ahead if you are able to do more. However, there comes a point when doing more becomes self-sabotage and your performance starts to deteriorate. It’s a fine line but it’s one you can walk. When you learn to manage your time well, you can let go of what you just cannot fit in.” Working on your ‘time magic’, creates room for self-care while still prioritising tasks.

RANK YOUR GOALS
“In my course, I teach clients how to understand their goals for the year, the month, the week or even the day,” says Penny. A good place to start is to write down what you want to achieve in a day, from top to least priority. Assign each goal a number, from one (your top priority).

Next, list all the tasks that will help you reach those goals, and rank those in the same way. Ask yourself: Can I delegate? Can I dump any? This will help you to focus on the more important tasks and prioritise your course of action. You can also gauge how much time you will need.

BOOK TIME
Blocking out time in your diary for self-care is the simplest way to make sure you actually do it. “Put it in your diary as an appointment with yourself,” says Penny. “You must know why it is important, otherwise when the demands begin to pile up, self-care goes out the window.” Start with small changes to your daily routine and build from there. “All of these skills take practise,” says Penny, “but you can and will get better at it.”

Words by: Robyn MacLarty
Photography: Gallo/Getty Images