HOW TO LEAVE SELF-LIMITING HABITS IN THE PAST

There are many reasons why we don’t follow through on our goals and ambitions. Often, it’s a complex combination of fear and self-limiting beliefs. These are four of the key reasons why we don’t make changes.

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FEAR OF FAILURE
“I’d love to write that novel but I’m frightened that when I do, it’ll turn out to be rubbish.” 

“I dream of running a marathon, but I’m worried my body just won’t make it and I will fail to finish.” 

These types of thoughts are so common. To move forward, to take a leap, we must stop seeing the world in terms of ‘success’ and ‘failure’.

It’s hard, though, when we’ve been brought up to believe we’re ‘right’ or ‘wrong’; we’ve ‘passed’ or ‘failed’. We should do something, regardless of the outcome, because we love it or have an inner drive to do it. If your motivation is right and if it comes from your soul (rather than your ego, which wants praise and recognition from others), then ‘success’ or ‘failure’ won’t come into it. You’ll write because you love to, or you’ll run because it makes you feel good. Do it for the journey, not the outcome.

BUT WHAT IF…?
“...following my passion means I neglect my real job, get fired, fall behind on the mortgage and end up destitute?” 

“I’d love to try internet dating but what if I meet a psychopath?” 

Many of us scare ourselves out of doing what we want to do by skipping straight to the worst-case scenario. The key is noticing when you do this and understanding why. What purpose does it serve you? It gets you off the hook and lets you stay in the security of your familiar routine. It also traps you and stops you moving forward.

So, when you next find yourself dreaming up catastrophic fantasies, force yourself to take a reality check. What is the statistical likelihood of those things happening? Argue with yourself! (How many people who bake cakes on the side end up having their house repossessed? How many thousands of singles have found fun and company and even love online?) Silence your ‘what ifs’ and take a small step forward instead.

DODGING CONFLICT
A friend has acted badly behind your back. It eats at you but your hatred of conflict stops you from dealing with it… 

Your teenage son isn’t working for his exams. You’re worried sick but say nothing. 

Successfully dodging conflict means we also avoid sorting out our problems. In fact, we allow them to worsen as resentment builds. It can also send out a message that you are willing to tolerate bad behaviour.

Resolve to act now, but keep calm, use a neutral tone and don’t attack or defend. Question and listen. “I don’t know if this is true, but I heard that you said X. Can we talk about what’s going on?” Now clarify. Reflect back what you’ve heard. “So you’re feeling frustrated about X?” Acknowledge the problem from both sides and focus on solving it.

INNER PESSIMIST
“There’s no point going for that promotion. I’ll never get it.” 

“I’d love to throw a party but it would be a disaster.” Making changes can be close to impossible when our inner pessimist has the upper hand.

Interestingly, our attitude has little to do with our life experiences – pessimists and optimists face the same challenges; they just interpret them differently. 

To change your attitude, it’s crucial that you catch negative thoughts as they happen. Think of an alternative view – it can help to write it down. For example: “I didn’t get the promotion, but I learned a lot during the process and raised my profile.” Think and speak like an optimist and you’ll become one!

FIND YOUR TRIBE & VIBE
Whether it’s joining a weight-loss class, a small-business network or a creative writing group, research shows we’re more likely to make progress and keep at it when encouraged and supported by people on a similar journey.

SEEK INSPIRATION
Don’t listen to pessimists – the people who tell you that your business will fail/ the planet is dying/internet dating is full of danger. Instead, find people who have got to where you want to be. Talk to people selling at the local craft market: how have they done it? Read inspiring books and autobiographies. Find the success stories. They did it, so why can’t you?

Words: Anne Moore

Photo & Illustration: Gallo/Getty Images