HOW TO MANAGE A DRAINING FRIENDSHIP

Life’s too precious to waste on sub-standard friendships. We get advice on how to cultivate more nourishing connections and identify which ones to ditch.

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Learning to manage our energy levels is an increasingly important skill in a world that seems to constantly invent new demands on our resources.

Healthy friendships can help to make an enormous contribution to our overall energy levels and mental health by making us laugh, validate our emotions and perspectives, and generally provide us with the support and sense of belonging that is essential for a fulfilling life.

Research has found that friendship also has physical benefits: adults with strong social connections have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including high blood pressure and obesity – and they tend to live longer. This means that unhealthy friendships are just that: bad for both our physical and mental health.

But what exactly is an unhealthy friendship? Chances are, you already know, because you’ve had one in the past, or worse – you may currently be enmeshed in one. If it's the latter, perhaps you’re still donating your precious energy to this person out of a sense of loyalty, because you believe that’s what caring people do, or you’re unsure of how to extricate yourself.

We spoke to a relationship coach to get her best advice on how to manage or gently end a draining friendship... But first thing's first: how can you even be sure that you’re in one?

SALVAGING YOUR SANITY
So, you’ve identified a friendship that's not working for you. What now? “Be honest with yourself and ask: Does this relationship have value, and are our values aligned?” says life coach and author of Fearlessly Free to be Me, Jo Marsh. “If your answer is ‘no’ to both, then it's time for change. One option is to begin to distance yourself from the person and allow the relationship to ‘die a natural death’ by gradually reducing contact. If this elicits a confrontation, then it may be time to speak your truth: that there is little you share in common, and that you feel it is no longer beneficial to keep the friendship alive.”

But what if you feel the friendship still has value? Perhaps the friendship is simply stuck in a rut, in which case you could try to switch things up. Instead of meeting for coffee and a long conversation about her awful boss, suggest something more vibey, such as a First Thursday jaunt, or a peruse of your local farmer’s market. Alternatively, you could choose to consciously reduce the amount of time you spend with that person. “What feels like a manageable amount of energy to give to the relationship?” asks Jo. “Coffee every second month perhaps? Responding to texts only once a week?”

Finally, “You could also choose to have a courageous conversation about what is not working for you and how you would like to see the friendship change,” says Jo. “If your friend is receptive and appears to take what you're sharing seriously, then you could continue the friendship and see if things improve. If, however, your concerns are met with defensiveness, an unwillingness to listen and be accountable, or worse – gaslighting – let that be a sign. It’s time to go.”

THE SPIRIT OF FRIENDSHIP
It can be scary to set boundaries, especially for women, who are encouraged by both nature and society to prioritise the needs of others – and almost especially so in the context of friendships with other women.

“Setting boundaries can be scary because we fear that there will be negative repercussions and you may lose your friends,” says Jo. “But consider that if your friendship cannot sustain a little boundary-setting, is it really a relationship you can rely on long term? ‘No’ is not a swear word – ‘no’ means I am as much of a priority as you are.”

Doing this can also help to remind ourselves of what true friendship looks and feels like – and recalibrate our internal compass accordingly. True friendship is a balm for the trials and tribulations of life; a true community we can lean on for emotional support when we feel vulnerable, lost or doubtful; a source of life-giving oxygen for our most authentic selves, and a trusted sounding board when we need honest feedback. It is a place of humour and humanity.

Just as we show generosity towards dear friends for the odd infraction or inconvenience, we should do ourselves the kindness of reserving our own precious energy for those relationships that provide us with love and support.

DROWNING IN DRAMA
The last unhealthy friendship I can remember was during my final year of high school. This friend would put me down in front of others, then gaslight me when I called her out on it: “You’re so sensitive, can’t you take a joke?” It was clearly toxic so ending that friendship several months before the end of my schooling career (even though I spent the remainder of the year friendless), is something I am still proud of to this day.

But some friendships are less obviously unhealthy. According to life coach Jo Marsh, signs of a draining friendship can include:

• Recycling the same conversations that go nowhere other than into a dark hole of negativity
• Constant chaos or drama: – the friend thrives on this, particularly when they can be cast as the victim or the martyr
• A relationship that's not mutually beneficial, doesn’t nourish or uplift you, and doesn’t make you feel valued, heard or appreciated
• A relationship that makes you feel wary, resentful or dread sharing your time and energy with them If any of these signs characterise your friendship in its entirety: “You need to give careful thought to what you are getting out of this relationship and what is keeping you there,” says Jo. Friends who are otherwise-loving, meaning that you're going through a temporary bout of negativity get a free pass. “Guilt and obligation to history aren't good reasons to stick around – it’s not a real and honest choice.”

By: Robyn Maclarty
Photography: Getty Images