Common causes of holiday relationship issues 

The end of the year is meant to be a time to connect with family, to relax and enjoy one another’s company. But for many couples, the tensions turn into arguments and screaming matches. There’s also the issue of men who disappear with their bonuses over the holiday, leaving their partners feeling abandoned and disappointed. Wilma Calvert, Johannesburg-based Family Life Centre counsellor, offers practical ways to deal with the pitfalls of end-of-year holidays.Ideally, couples should step back and prepare for the holidays ahead of time, instead of allowing unmet expectations or assumptions to turn into fights. Discuss all these issues on the eve of the holiday season.

THE NO SHOW
Ntsako and David have been married for two years, and this time of year is marred by constant arguments. ‘David goes out and only comes back home a day or two later,’ says Ntsako. ‘Sometimes his phone is off, and other times he phones to say he is staying at a friend’s house.’

Calvert says if your partner has a history of ‘going missing’ over the holidays, ‘take some quiet time out to explain to him how it makes you feel, and why you’d really enjoy his company this year.’ She adds that it’s important not to bad-mouth him in front of children or family. ‘Instead, when sharing information about dad’s disappearance, do it factually, with as little emotion as possible,’ she says.

If you are too upset, take time to calm down and try not to overreact. ‘If your partner has taken off for a while, try to remain as calm as possible when he returns,’ says Calvert. ‘You could prepare a written statement beforehand if you’re not sure that you’ll be able to stay calm. If the children are old enough, they could also express their feelings via letters to dad. A family meeting with a trusted friend or relative, minister or priest as a mediator might also help ease tensions. Professional advice can also be helpful if you regularly feel abandoned by your partner over holidays.’

“Discuss what happened the previous year openly and honestly – what worked, and what didn’t?”

THE BIG SPENDER
Noleen and Elton have been together for four years. During holidays they have frequent disagreements over Elton’s overspending and outings. ‘Even though we agree on a budget and spending more time together,’ says Noleen, ‘the opposite happens, which leads to resentment and constant fights.’

Calvert says couples should look at various aspects of their lives. Discuss what happened the previous year honestly and openly – what worked and what didn’t? What was fun and what wasn’t?

‘Before you blow your bonus on what you think is important,’ she adds, ‘set aside a fixed amount for gifts for each other, the children and family.’ Do not blame and shame, as it will be counter-productive. ‘Provide realistic and truthful evidence if needed, and share feelings about past events. For example, “we spent a lot of money on gifts and then couldn’t afford to pay the school fees, so we had to take out a loan.” You could then suggest that you do things differently this year.’

Calvert says it’s important, however, not to deprive each other of fun with friends. ‘Have a designated boys’ or girls’ night out,’ she says. ‘That way, neither partner feels that they are being restricted or that they are making a sacrifice. Keep a special money box for dropping in loose change for your night out. Make it a fun adventure.’

MEETING NEW PEOPLE
For those looking for love, the holidays can be a great time to meet new people. However, be cautious of charmers who are only looking for a festive fling. Samantha learnt this the hard way. ‘We met in December at a friend’s party and hit it off,’ she recalls. ‘I thought everything was going great until he broke it off a few weeks later, saying he wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship, and he thought I understood it was only a festive fling.’ For Samantha it was a nasty shock, as she felt the relationship had real potential.

So it’s a good idea to discuss expectations if a holiday romance arises, to avoid disappointment and heartbreak. Keep in mind what you are trying to achieve – a memorable holiday season. Whether in a long-term relationship or a brand-new one, commit to having open and honest conversations with your partner to avoid unpleasant surprises.

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