Learning to live without your partner

For many individuals, deciding to share your life with someone – from the mundane every day to the most notable events – is a core part of what it is to be human. Nevertheless, loss is an inevitable part of the human experience, and losing a spouse can be among the most agonising trials.

According to clinical psychologist Dimakatso Motiang, mourning a spouse or partner after a split or death is a process that requires time, a readiness to embrace the emotional pain associated with the loss, and a willingness to share it with trusted others. 

Such a personal loss can result in many other emotions, including loneliness, sadness, melancholy, worry, and more. It can also cause physical symptoms like exhaustion, headaches, and even high blood pressure. Your perspective on life is affected by this degree of loss, and you may find it easy to fall into a vicious cycle of helplessness and hopelessness.  

People who have gone through a breakup may experience feelings of rejection and inadequacy and may think that they are not worthy of love. They might alter their lifestyle hoping to live up to the expectations of the ex-partner, searching for the elusive “perfect” version of themselves in the aim of recovering what they have lost. This is especially true when a partner has passed away.

The stages of loss

According to Motiang, there are several phases of loss that can happen in any sequence, but it is crucial to the grieving process to give oneself time to move through each stage as it arises.  

1. It frequently starts with denial of the truth of the situation.  

You may attempt to contain the natural emotional upheaval or convince yourself that the relationship is still alive and that your spouse will eventually return.  

 2. Then there is bargaining 

You tell yourself the tale using those two fateful words, “what if,” in an effort to make sense of what has happened. As you come to terms with the fact that there is nothing you can do to reverse what has happened, the following stage of depression will bring feelings of grief, despair, and hopelessness.  

3. Reaching the level of acceptance 

You may start to advance. “The process of going through these stages can be frustrating. You may move back and forth between them and wonder when it will be over, but quite simply – it takes as long as it takes, and it can take years in some cases,” she says.  

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Human connection is key

According to Motiang, seeking assistance from counsellors and their community rather than attempting to process the event on their own can make the process simpler for people trying to cope with the end of a relationship.

It may be necessary to try to spend time with your nearest and dearest even when you really just want to stay in bed and avoid social interaction to get through this trying period.

Fill your own cup

Give yourself a break so you may live your own life. Make an effort to do things by yourself. Examples include going grocery shopping, having a pamper-day at home, going on a date by yourself, or trying something new. Instead of starting a new relationship from a place of co-dependency or desperation, which would not be a healthy foundation, you will be better equipped to give love when you are comfortable and pleased with who you are. 

Forgive to move forward

According to Motiang, this may be a significant roadblock in moving forward in life, since individuals frequently are not conscious of the blame they impose on themselves. She adds, “you might not always be conscious of the guilt you place at your own feet, or you can feel remorse that you did not do enough and missed the opportunity for a second chance. 

“Knowing how to ask your loved ones for the support you need can go a long way to helping you navigate your way through this difficult time. If you simply want someone to sit and listen rather than give you advice, try asking for that. There will be good days and bad. You cannot control everything, but you can give yourself a second chance,” Motiang concludes.  

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