How to build emotional fluency
From romantic tension to friendship fallouts, the way we speak — our tone, words and non-verbal cues — can either strengthen our bonds or quietly unravel them. Emotional fluency is the missing language skill that just might change everything.
There’s a reason even a casual conversation can suddenly spiral into tension – or why heartfelt words sometimes fall flat. In our most intimate relationships, communication is about much more than what we say. It’s also about how we say it, when we say it and whether we can tune into what’s really going on underneath the words.
This is where emotional fluency comes in — a skill that many people were never taught but absolutely need. Emotional fluency refers to the ability to identify and name your feelings clearly, listen with empathy, and express yourself in ways that invite connection instead of conflict.
Therapist Brian Gleason, co-author of Exceptional Relationships, explains that one of the major reasons couples struggle to communicate is a lack of this emotional language. “We’re just not trained to speak in emotional language,” he says, “but in an intimate relationship, you’re constantly feeling some sort of emotion… The more that we’re able to put those emotions into some sort of language and convey it to our partner, the more empathy there is in the relationship.”
In other words, emotional disfluency doesn’t just make us poor communicators — it leaves our partners and friends guessing, often incorrectly, about what’s really going on.
@thoughtdigest Redefining emotional fluency and emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is not suppressing your emotions and definitely not invalidating your emotions 🩷. @Caiah Meek @Mpho-Mpho #thoughtdigest #emotionalintelligence #emotionalfluency #validation ♬ original sound - Thought Digest
Naming emotions
It might sound overly simple, but just naming how you feel – aloud and without judgement — can be a powerful step towards emotional clarity. In her ‘Take a Break’ podcast, life coach Rachel Hart explains how naming emotions reduces resistance and helps us feel more in control. “Once you name it, you can notice it. And when you notice what’s actually happening in your body, you start to question what is so bad about a negative emotion,” she says.
This kind of somatic awareness — cluing into how emotions show up physically (tight chest, clenched jaw, shaky hands) — is often overlooked but crucial. Rachel points out that ignoring these physical signs or covering them up (with alcohol, food or distraction) is a common form of emotional avoidance. But avoidance doesn’t protect us – in the long run, it disconnects us from ourselves and others.
Reacting vs responding
The difference between a reactive outburst and a grounded response has a significant impact on a relationship. According to research at Harvard University, effective communication starts with clarity —and that includes being clear about your own internal state before you speak.
Rather than reacting impulsively when emotions flare, emotionally fluent people pause, reflect and then respond. That pause, however brief, gives you the space to shift from defensiveness to curiosity.
Let’s say your friend cancels plans at the last-minute, again. You could snap (“You always bail!”) or you could respond with honesty (“I feel disappointed — we’ve been missing each other a lot lately…”). The first response invites defensiveness; the second opens the door to connection.
Harvard’s research emphasises that before any meaningful communication, it’s vital to define your goal and tailor your message accordingly. Think of it this way: what are you actually trying to achieve in this moment — connection. clarity or control?
Emotional fluency in practice
-Instead of: “Whatever, I don’t care.”
Try: “I’m hurt and don’t know how to talk about it yet.”
-Instead of: “You’re always on your phone!”
Try: “I’m feeling a bit disconnected — I miss talking with you.”
-Instead of: “Why are you being weird?”
Try: “You seem off — what’s going on with you?”
Conflict phrases that connect instead of divide
- “Can we pause for a second? I want to make sure I’m hearing you right.”
- “I’m feeling triggered — can I take a moment and come back to this?”
- “I know we’re not on the same page but I want to work through this with you.”
- “This is hard but I care too much to let it slide.”
Tone matters
According to Harvard’s communication insights, nonverbal communication —including tone, facial expressions and body language — can account for up to 93% of a message’s impact. And when tone contradicts the words themselves? We believe the tone.
Think of a partner saying “It’s fine” through clenched teeth. Or a friend laughing while clearly shutting down. Tone and delivery tell the truth, even when words don’t.
Being mindful of your tone doesn’t mean sanitising your voice — it means aligning your intention with your expression. If you’re feeling hurt but are using sarcasm, your message gets lost. But if you speak directly and warmly, even difficult truths can be heard.
When words clash
Of course, not everyone communicates in the same way — and that’s okay. Cultural background, gender roles, neurodivergence and upbringing all shape our emotional vocabulary. Some cultures value emotional directness; others see it as disrespectful. Some families grew up talking through every feeling; others buried them.
Rachel has noted how emotional suppression is often taught early on:
“Boys don’t cry, girls shouldn’t be angry… All of that judgement gets in the way of us even naming how we’re feeling.”
Understanding and acknowledging this diversity in communication styles makes us better communicators. Instead of labelling someone as ‘cold’ or `too sensitive’, emotional fluency invites us to ask instead: what shaped this person’s language of emotion? And how can I meet them halfway?
How to fight fair (and still be close after)
- Conflict is not a sign of a broken relationship. Avoiding it might be.
- What matters most is how you argue. According to psychologist Brian Gleason, when we communicate our inner experience directly, it transforms tension into teamwork. “Instead of a conflict, you get an alliance,” he says.
Here’s how emotional fluency can help you argue in a healthy, connected way:
Using ‘I’ statements: “I felt overlooked when you didn’t text back”, not “You always ignore me.”
Validating emotions: Even if you disagree, say, “It makes sense you’d feel that way.”
Asking, not assuming: “Is now a good time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”
Acknowledging the body: “My chest is tight and I feel tense can we take a breath before we go on?”
Coach Rachel Hart also urges us to notice and name what’s happening physically. “Noticing what’s happening in your body is a skill. The more factual you can get, the less judgement you will have.”
How to build your emotional fluency —starting today
Just like learning French or coding, emotional fluency is a skill that improves with use.
Here are practical ways to strengthen it:
1. Name your emotions without judgement
Practise saying “I feel…” without rushing to justify or fix it.
Try: “I feel anxious”, “I feel excited”, “I feel disconnected”.
2. Tune in to your body
Not sure what you’re feeling? Ask your body. Is your jaw tight? Chest heavy? As Rachel says, “My chest is tight” is more helpful than “I feel terrible.”
3. Reframe conflict as collaboration: Approach arguments with curiosity: “What are we both needing right now?” — not “Who’s right?”
4. Slow down your communication
As Harvard research suggests, prepare your key message and let it land. Avoid rapid-fire talking or multitasking when emotions are involved.
5. Reflect on your tone and delivery Before sending a message or making a tough call, ask: “What is my intention and does my tone match my intention?”
6. Use empathy as a compass
Ask: “What might the other person be feeling beneath their words? How can I make space for that?”
Emotional fluency is a superpower in any relationship If love is a verb, then communication is the action that sustains it. Whether with your partner, your best friend or your colleagues at work, the ability to speak from your emotional truth — and create space for someone else’s —builds bonds that last. Emotional fluency has the ability to turn accusation into understanding, reaction into reflection, and silence into connection.
By: Mecayla Maseka
Photography by: Gallo/Getty Images, Shutterstock
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
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