Life advice with Agony Aunty
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Question: I have been really great friends for seven years with someone I met at university. We get along really well and decided to move in together to save money. I just moved in and now she’s saying I’m a slob!
The thing is I do tend to get lazy when it comes to household chores. I let the laundry pile up or will only dust the shelves when I can see the layer of dust. I prefer to dedicate one day to do a complete clean-up of the house instead of cleaning up after myself as I go along. This has really worked for me so far. Things don’t get so bad that it’s a health hazard — the chores do get done; it’s just not in my routine to do a little bit every day.
I like my system and I think it works really well for my lifestyle, but my friend is the opposite. For example, I’m the kind of person that does all the washing up at the end of the meal; however, she likes to wash every dish or utensil as she goes along.
I accept that we’re two different people and have different ways of doing things, but she is convinced that her way is the only correct way and keeps passive-aggressively leaving notes around the house, or sending me texts throughout the day asking why certain chores have not been done and when exactly I plan on doing them. We’ve only been living together for two months and it’s already stressing me out.
I am open to finding a happy medium where we can meet each other in the middle, but I have to know: am I a slob and in desperate need of house training, or is she just being a control freak? — Anonymous, 28
Answer: It’s very common for even the closest friendships to feel strained once you start sharing a home. What you’re experiencing isn’t necessarily about one of you being a ‘slob’ or the other being a ‘control freak’. Rather, it’s a clash of routines and expectations. You’ve each got habits that work when living alone, but shared spaces require shared agreements.
The tension here is less about dust and dishes and more about respect and communication. When frustrations are expressed through passive-aggressive notes or messages, for example, it’s easy for resentment to grow. Instead, set aside time to talk face-to-face, with the shared goal of keeping both your home and your friendship healthy.
Rather than framing the discussion as “my way versus your way”, approach it as “how can we both feel comfortable in our shared space?”. Identify the non-negotiables for each of you. For example, your friend needs certain tasks done immediately (like washing dishes while cooking), while you prefer tackling other chores on a set cleaning day.
Agree on a system that blends both approaches. You could consider doing smaller tasks more often than you’re used to, and your friend could allow flexibility for less urgent chores. Consider a shared checklist or calendar so expectations are clear, not assumed.
This isn’t about winning or who’s right; it’s about finding a middle ground that respects each person’s comfort levels. With open, honest communication and a willingness to compromise, you can protect your long-standing friendship.
— Kelly Jacobs, Registered Counsellor
Write to Agony Aunt:
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By: Kelly Jacobs
Photography: Shutterstock
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