Life advice from Agony Aunt
Have a question you can't get your head around? A dilemma that's difficult to solve? A situation that needs solving? We’ve got some good advice for you.
The dilemma:
My girlfriend and I have been together for eight years. We have one child and my girlfriend is turning 40 soon. She’s well-educated, earns more than me and has her own house. She really wants to get married and has gone from just dropping hints to actually asking me when am I popping the question. I love her, but I don’t have money for lobola and the wedding. I have limited savings. The pressure is getting to me now.
So, here’s my question: Can I subtly ask her how much the family will ask for lobola? With everything that she brings, I feel like it might be out of my budget. If it is, can I ask her to ‘help’ me so that we can get married within her time frame? Plus, how do I know if I’m actually ready to get married or just giving in to pressure? I do love her, but I thought I had a few more years to think about it and save.
– Thabo
The response:
Dear Thabo,
Firstly, thank you for finding the courage to share what many men shy away from. Your question is layered. I see financial pressure, cultural expectations and love all sitting at the table. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed!
Let’s talk about the money dilemma. Culturally, lobola isn’t just a transaction; it’s a gesture of honour and respect to your partner’s family. But we live in a modern world where traditions are evolving. If you focus on this being a respectful gesture, I encourage you to have the uncomfortable conversation about expectations with your girlfriend.
Approach it with care, as it isn’t about negotiating her worth or disrespecting her family, but about planning a sustainable future together. Ask for her opinion and how she feels about it. You’ve mentioned she earns more than you, so this union could be something you both contribute to. Co-creating your next steps into your future is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of partnership.
As for the question about being ready for marriage, you’ve been together for eight years and have a child together. Ask yourself: Would I still want to marry her if no one was asking me to? Do I want to build something long-term with her? Am I afraid of losing her or of stepping up, or avoiding the hard conversations?
You can love someone and still fear the responsibility that comes with commitment. That doesn’t make you a bad person — it makes you human. Also, turning 40 often brings reflection and, sometimes, urgency for a woman. That could be part of what she’s feeling. Again, this calls for open, honest conversations between you. It does not sound like you’re doubting your love but questioning your readiness to meet expectations that haven’t been fully spoken about, and that’s okay.
With kindness,
Candice King, Neuroscience and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Write to agony aunt
-Email your questions to agonyauntjet@dentsu.com
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Letters may be edited for clarity and space
By: Candice King
Text courtesy of Jet Club magazine
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