Love, betrayal and marriage
It’s said that long weekends pose a danger for relationships… It might just be that your partner is getting married to someone else behind your back! We explore this phenomenon in South Africa
The union of two people is often a joyous affair, with friends and relatives travelling from far and wide to witness the wedding. In South Africa’s remote villages and townships, this event can be even more spectacular and heartwarming as those who have moved away to work in the city get to finally come home to visit and be part of the celebrations. However, there is an unsettling trend that has cast a shadow over these events — a love triangle that involves another partner left behind in the city, with no clue that their boyfriend or girlfriend is actually the one getting married behind their back.
The rude awakening
When Sibongile told her boyfriend Thabo (surnames withheld for privacy) of five years that she would be visiting her mother back home in KwaZulu-Natal for the holidays, he never imagined that it would change his love story forever.
The pair met when Sibongile was a student and they eventually moved in together. In addition to covering their daily living costs, Thabo was also working odd jobs to support her studies. From his perspective, they were building towards a future together, and even though he didn’t have much money at the time, he wanted to save up and marry her someday.
However, as the days became weeks after Sibongile left, he heard nothing from her or about her plans to return. He tried calling her but his calls were ignored. He began to worry. Then one day he got an unexpected call from a stranger.
It was a man who proclaimed his love for Sibongile and told her boyfriend that they were now married. Hearing Sibongile’s voice in the background confirmed that the two were, in fact, together at the time.
While Thabo was still trying to come to terms with the shocking news, the stranger continued: he wanted to offer Thabo money as a “token of appreciation” for all that he’d done over the years to support his new wife.
Some men act impulsively, thinking a fresh start will erase their problems
Umjolo, the pandemic
Apparently, losing a lover to marriage over a long weekend is a fairly common occurrence in South Africa. It’s usually women who are the victims of this. There are several comedy sketches and posts by women all over social media about this phenomenon, with hashtags such as #mjolothepandemic, #umjoloUzok’khathaza [‘dating will tire you our] and #tlogela banyana/ bashimane Viet the girls/boys bel.
In one post on TikTok, a woman named Thato shared how after taking out a loan for her village boyfriend, he decided to use the money to marry his baby mama back home.
For most of the victims of this love scam, the news is usually very unexpected. One minute you might be chilling comfortably on the couch, waiting for your partner to return. The next, a social-media status update will suddenly appear on your phone and you’ll see videos of them happily dancing and marrying someone else!
A TikTok user by the name of Ellen referred to Heritage Weekend in September as the most dangerous long weekend for someone who is in a relationship that is not standing nicely”.
Another TikTok user, Buhle, shared how one of her relatives took leave from work to do the unthinkable. “It’s painful, my uncle did the same to a lady he was dating here in Gauteng. He went to KZN for his leave in July —kanti, he was getting married, leaving the pregnant girlfriend in Jozi.”
There are sometimes signs that your partner is not that into you — and it’s in your best interest not to ignore these signs
Women-to-women
In a live online discussion conducted by life coach and blogger Makhosazana Zulu, women shared how they are also guilty of being the ‘enablers’ of this trend.
One named Lusa said, “These men don’t marry themselves. We are all against such in social media, and yet we gladly assist these men in their dirty movements because we think we are better than the current girlfriend.”
They referred to the other women as #PickMeGirls and shared how these women find it comforting being chosen over someone else, as if the same could never happen to them.
Mothers, sisters and other women who watch from the sidelines are to be blamed as well, says Makhosazana, because it can take just one strong opposing female to correct this behaviour in the men in their families.
One of the worst excuses that men have made to their partners is that they were ‘forced’ into the marriage by their family due to cultural reasons. Others have suddenly shared family sentiments that they never had before, claiming that they are getting married for the sake of their children with the other woman because they don’t want another man raising their kids.
A woman named Bongi shared how her partner reacted after she confronted him about why he decided to marry someone behind her back. “He said he married her because she understands everything and is always easy to forgive. She’s not like me. I am always ready to leave when he makes a fool of me.”
The dating game is not always a fair one, but there are sometimes signs that your partner is not that into you — and it’s in your best interest not to ignore these signs. It’s vital to guard your heart and let go, even if it hurts.
According to Marriage.com, signs that a man may not be interested in marrying you often involve an avoidance of commitment-related conversations. If he doesn’t discuss future plans, becomes emotionally distant or dates other people, these actions usually indicate a lack of commitment to you.
Delhi-based relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh says some men leave long-term relationships and quickly marry someone else because they find the new partnership more exciting. (In fact, your own relationship may originally have been a result of this type of action.)
“They don’t want to deal with their relationship issues, and the new relationship provides an illusion of compatibility,” she explains. “They may also believe that this new partner will bring emotional stability to their life.
Some men act impulsively, thinking a fresh start will erase all their problems.”
But, Ruchi adds, their unaddressed issues will inevitably creep into their new relationship as well. ‘These men may have a difficult time dealing with the transition and thus commit in urgency to avoid feeling lonely.”
The healing journey
Shock, betrayal and heartbreak are just some of the feelings that these victims have expressed. But while most women choose to walk away from the relationship, others choose to stay and forgive their partners (essentially becoming a mistress to their now-married lover or, eventually, part of a polygamous marriage).
According to psychologist Grace Garoutte-Mohammed from BetterUp, choosing to stay is not only bad for your mental health, but you may experience some serious negative physical health effects as well.
“Negative or hostile relationships create physiological stress, such as elevated blood pressure, a poor immune system and slowed wound healing. Prolonged conflict is associated with decreased physical health, including cardiovascular disease, chronic pain and obesity,” she says.
In most of these love scams shared on social media, other women try to console the victim with a similar story of their own. They then give each other advice on how they have managed to move on by setting healthier boundaries in their next relationship. The women also advocate for independence and self-love, using Korea’s B4 movement as motivation (B4 is a campaign in response to gender inequality and GBV in Korea, which entails abstaining completely from sex, dating, marriage and even having children. Note that this is different to the issue we are discussing here).
While heartbreak is not often a topic that relationship experts tackle in their consultations — being focused more on fixing a relationship — some people need counselling to get over such an ordeal.
Grace’s expertise in relationships and mental health has helped her develop relatable insights and actionable steps for her clients to move on. “Like most monumental life experiences, acting with intention and purpose will help you through the grieving process.”
She says, “Even though understanding how to let go of someone looks different for everyone, you have the strength to cut ties and move on. Lean into your network, do some self-reflection and re-invest in yourself. You’ll be better because of the change.”
By: Sinqobile ‘Gezzy’ Sibisi
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
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