Men and mental health: Ways dads can seek help
Men and mental health: it's a topic that's not often put in the spotlight. We look at why a father seeking expert help is showing strength, not weakness.
Fathers struggle. It’s normal. Just because their struggles are different to those of their partner, parents, children or colleagues doesn’t mean they aren’t valid. But when their struggles are compared to those of others, it may seem that there’s no room for fathers to express their feelings or needs – and for them to be properly supported.
“As research has shown, South African fathers face a unique blend of challenges, many tied to socio-economic pressures, cultural norms and shifting family dynamics,” says Cape Town-based Jénine Smith, a senior clinical psychologist and founder of Jénine Smith Inc.
“One key challenge is financial instability. Many fathers in our country are burdened with the responsibility of providing for their families amid economic hardship. The pressure to support a household while dealing with the realities of unemployment or underemployment can be overwhelming,” says Jénine.
This doesn’t mean that they aren’t trying to overcome their circumstances. Many men work long hours, sometimes far from their families, which then leads to a work-life imbalance, she adds. “This leaves little time for emotional connection or for meaningful participation in their children’s lives.” This knock-on effect is very real, but it can be addressed.
“You don’t have to carry everything in silence. Recognise that you’re not weak for feeling overwhelmed; you are human.”
A key step is carving out time for reflection. Even when it seems like chaos surrounds you, find a quiet moment each day to check in with your emotions. Is there frustration building up? Or anxiety? “These small moments of self-awareness can prevent larger emotional eruptions,” advises Jénine.
True strength lies not in suppressing feelings but confronting them with courage
Why is there a stigma?
Many men struggle to admit that they’re struggling – and even more men can’t bring themselves to seek professional help. This reluctance is shaped by both societal pressures and personal pride.
“Many men are taught from an early age to be strong, stoic and self-reliant. The idea that a man should ‘tough it out’ or solve his problems alone can be so deeply embedded that seeking help feels like a failure or weakness.”
These stereotypes – that ‘boys don’t cry’ or men are not ’emotional’ — along with society’s unrealistic expectation that men should be strong at all times and in all situations, leave many isolated in their troubles, and without healthy ways to cope.
Society tells men that being vulnerable is a weakness when, actually, says Jenine, true strength lies not in suppressing feelings but in confronting them with courage. It is possible, especially if men learn to openly support one another in their struggles.
Understanding emotional intelligence
It’s a concept that’s been spoken about increasingly in recent years, but why is emotional intelligence — the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, and those of others — so important when building healthy families?
It is a skill that may not have been common in previous generations, particularly in fathers, as they were generally less involved in their children’s emotional needs.
“Developing emotional intelligence when it was not modelled by your own father is a journey that requires patience, humility and a willingness to learn from both the past and the present,” says Jenine, who believes that growth is always possible, no matter the foundation from which one starts.
Don’t underestimate the importance of emotional intelligence, both for yourself and for your family. Jenine says there is growing recognition that active emotional involvement from dads is just as vital as financial support.
“Some fathers still grapple with how to navigate this — to engage deeply with their children without feeling like it threatens their traditional paternal identity.”
She recommends that fathers be more open to sharing their feelings with their children —show them that it is okay to be imperfect, to be human, and to learn from one’s own emotional struggles.
Show them that it is okay to be imperfect, to be human, and to learn from one’s own emotional struggles
Steps for better emotional intelligence
1. Understand your emotions
Try to identify what triggers your frustration, joy, sadness or anxiety. Become aware of these feelings and allow them to come and go, rather than trying to suppress, denyor ignore them.
2. Observe, then react
Practice observing without immediately reacting. This helps you understand your ’emotional landscape’, giving you space to choose a response rather than being controlled by impulse.
3. Listen with empathy
Emotional intelligence grows when we truly seek to understand others, not just respond to them. Try to listen with the intent of truly understanding the emotions and perspectives of others, even if they differ from yours.
No matter what your childhood looked like and how your own father (or father figures and uncles) handled their emotions and mental well-being, it’s possible for you to learn how to manage your own, so that you’re able to be present for your family — whatever the challenges you will inevitably face.
Ways to seek expert help
If booking an appointment for therapy seems intimidating, there are other paths that can provide valuable support.
- Online therapy offers a sense of anonymity and flexibility. This can take the form of video calls, phone sessions or even text-based counselling, making it easier to fit it into a busy schedule and reducing the pressure of face-to-face meetings.
- Support groups, both in-person and online, allow men to connect with others facing similar struggles. Sometimes, knowing that you’re not alone in your experience is a powerful form of healing.
- Books or podcasts focused on mental health can be a gentle starting point for understanding emotions and strategies for growth.
By: Shani Tsai
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
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