Polygamy: how to approach the conversation with your partner
Thinking of transitioning from a monogamous relationship to a polygamous one, but unsure your partner would be keen? Here’s what you need to consider
Polygamy as a cultural and religious practice has been curiosity from modern-day individuals about exploring the idea of being married to more than one person. If one of you is drawn to a polygamous marriage, how do you convey these thoughts to your partner? This can be tricky, especially if you’re unsure if they would be interested in polygamy too. Here are some tips for approaching this conversation with your partner.
Educate Yourself
Compared to a monogamous relationship, polygamy is a complex concept — it means sharing your life with more than one partner, dividing your time and attention.
Diving headfirst into a conversation about polygamy with your partner without understanding the complexities of this type of relationship may be a recipe for disaster. Doing your research about this is essential because it helps you solidify whether you are emotionally ready to navigate a relationship with two (or more) partners, and ensures that you’re confident about taking this leap in your relationship.
In an article for Verywell Mind, US-based psychologist Monica Johnson defines polygamy as “a marital arrangement in which one person has multiple spouses. This can be polygyny, where one man has several wives, or (less common) polyandry, where one woman has multiple husbands.”
Note that religions which accept polygamy do so in the sense of polygyny, not polyandry; the same is true for cultures, although there are rare exceptions. Assessing the direction you’re leaning towards — polygyny or polyandry – is important to get to the crux on your reasoning for pursuing this arrangement.
Why Polygamy?
Establish a rationale and determine what it is you’re searching for in a polygamous relationship. This helps to prepare you for when you’re proposing this concept to your partner. People have different motives that drive the desire for a polygamous relationship, but it’s fundamental to know what yours are so that your partner can have clarity.
The most common reasons are religious or cultural. Islam permits a man to marry up to four wives, with the condition that he can provide for and treat each wife equally. In the Zulu culture, a man is permitted to have as many wives as he’d like — again, as long as he can sufficiently provide for all of them. It’s also customary for Zulu women to give their consent first before their husband marries another woman.
The motivations to pursue this type of marriage could be for reasons like wealth, status and stability. Many African cultures also engage in polygamy to increase their family lineage.
Beyond religion and culture, many modern-day people see polygamy as a personal preference for a number of reasons. The relationship may have become monotonous, so having more than one partner brings excitement back into one’s love life. Others may feel like they can love and be loved by more than one person in different ways.
Whatever the reason may be, Through Therapy Collective shares this advice: “Make a list of what you’re looking for versus what you’re trying to avoid. What aspects do you want out of a relationship? What characteristics from previous relationships may not have worked out?” Mapping this out is important as it helps you to identify the aim(s) of introducing another partner to your relationship.
Set Boundaries
When doing your own research, explore the parameters you’re willing to accept, while also being receptive to what your partner might not be okay with.
Through Therapy Collective explains it further: “Boundaries are what help make and keep relationships healthy. They’re what help outline the expectations that each person has for the relationship moving forward.”
A polygamous relationship is no exception to this — every relationship requires openness about the expectations and rules that a partner is meant to respect. Boundaries help couples stay on the same page as the polygamous relationship progresses.
A Time and Place
If monogamy is all you and your partner know, the prospect of polygamy can be daunting —so, when it comes to addressing the idea, timing is everything. Think about when the ideal opportunity would be, because you want to ensure that your partner will be receptive enough to engage in a conversation. Avoid springing this topic on your partner when they’re tired, sick, stressed or preoccupied — choosing an appropriate time will allow for effective communication.
Just as the timing is important, the setting is too. Avoid public spaces — find a space that is quiet and will allow you to have this complicated conversation without any interruptions.
Affirm Your Partner
Before you bring up polygamy, it’s essential to provide your partner with affirmations and reassurance of your feelings about them. Preface the conversation by reflecting on all the qualities you love about them and how much the relationship means to you. By acknowledging your partner, it shows that you value their presence in your life. This eases your way into the conversation instead of overwhelming your partner.
Be Honest and Patient
Carry the conversation with honesty and transparency, while being respectful and mindful of your tone. Be empathetic to your partner’s thoughts and feelings — it’s important for you to be a sounding board for them as they try to process everything. When the initial conversation ends, give your partner time to digest what was discussed and be patient – a key ingredient to navigating the idea of pursuing polygamy.
By: Kauthar Booley
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