How to help a friend without draining your own emotional well 

“Thank you for listening.” Sometimes, that’s all that is needed. But it took a few trials and errors before fully understanding that. In life and in friendship, your presence is enough. Some of us learn this the hard way. I’d basically winded myself in giving my friend a 1o-minute TED Talk on why I was as outraged as her, why she won’t be destroyed by this and how she should dress up and show up for life again. Nothing can bring her down!  

And she just kept crying, tears leaking down her cheeks. She apologised for always breaking down in restaurants and for being such a burden, her shoulders hunched and trembling.  

I emerged from my positivity trance dazed and horrified. I thought I was being helpful, but she looked so alone between all the repetitions of ‘should’, ‘must’ and “You’ve got this, girl!” during my monologue. I left ashamed and despondent that I couldn’t help my friend through the deepest and darkest spirals she was encountering. After months of this cycle repeating itself, I was spent and at a loss. What’s a good friend to do?  

Tackle it with research, of course. I realised with shock that in my rush to be supportive, I’d delved deep into ‘rescuer’ territory with a dash of ‘toxic positivity’ — two things I vowed never to dabble in.  

It was hard for me to comprehend the recommendation that merely listening to my friend talk through her issues would help her to figure it out herself. Would I be a good friend for doing that, what seemed like the bare minimum? It was hard to shake that ‘caretaker’ impulse, so hard-baked into women since time immemorial.  

But I gave it a shot. We met for lunch, she talked and she cried. I listened and kept my unsolicited advice to myself (mostly) and when she did ask for some, I didn’t offer to jump in and organise her whole life. Long before the meal ended, she softly said: “Thank you for listening.” 

She sniffed. And then she smiled. And while the crisis wasn’t an overnight solve, I learnt something valuable about being a friend that day. And so can you. 

Sanam Naran is the founder of Conscious Psychology, an innovative counselling psychology practice in Johannesburg which places the emphasis on inclusivity, cultural sensitivity and understanding the diversity of clients.  

She leads a team of nine, ushering in a new generation of mental-health professionals from various backgrounds that share similar lived realities and experiences with their clients. They’d all come up through Masters together as friends. She must know a thing or two about friendship – and she does.  

What is the role of a friend when someone is feeling low or facing challenges? How might that be different to other people in their lives such as parents, siblings, a partner?  

A friend offers a unique kind of support — often without the layered expectations that come from familial or romantic relationships. Friendship can provide a safe, non-judgemental space where someone can be witnessed, not fixed. Unlike a parent or partner, who may feel responsible or overly invested in outcomes, a friend can offer presence, perspective and empathy. That neutrality can be powerful – it’s about being with them, not saving them.  

How to support a friend if they have retreated into themselves?