Why you should go for counselling before marriage
Love, as magical as it is, isn't always enough. Marriage takes effort, and premarital counselling gives couples the tools to make it work with care, awareness and understanding
Getting engaged is a beautiful milestone in life. The ring, the celebration, the plans for a future together… It’s a time filled with love, hope and excitement. But beyond the wedding venue scouting, guest lists and cake tastings, there’s something else that deserves your attention — something that might not come with Pinterest boards or pretty photos but could help shape the rest of your life together: premarital counselling.
Why it matters
Many couples go into marriage full of love and optimism. That’s a good thing. But love alone doesn’t equip us for the challenges that come with building a life together, navigating your differences, managing expectations, making decisions together and growing as individuals and as a unit.
As Joburg-based clinical psychologist Mildred Teiko Godji puts it, “Premarital counselling is important because it’s an opportunity to get couples to sit down and think through certain aspects of marriage.
“We have the assumption that we know each other, but unless you take unhurried time and create space where you are intentionally and systematically going through questions and understanding a person’s view around a certain topic, you never really know anyone. Premarital counselling offers the space to explore certain topics that are important for the institution of marriage – topics that can make or break it — and can help you understand your preferences going forward, outside of crisis or a contentious moment.”
Love can create a beautiful illusion of knowing. In the beginning, everything feels natural, aligned and ideal. But the real test of a marriage comes not in the height of love, but in the quiet moments when life throws something unexpected your way. When you’re tired, scared, frustrated or simply changing, that’s where counselling offers a gift: it helps you lay a foundation before the storm.
What topics are covered?
Premarital counselling isn’t just about solving problems; it’s about preparing for life together. A skilled counsellor (or guide, if you’re doing it in a religious or community setting) will help you explore core life areas like:
- Finances: How do you each view money? Are you spenders or savers? Would you prefer joint or separate bank accounts?
- Parenting and Children: Do you both want kids? How many? How do you feel about parenting roles, discipline and education?
- Communication Styles: How do you argue? Do you shut down, blow up or retreat? What does it mean to truly listen?
- Sex and Intimacy: What are your needs and expectations? How will you handle it when your desire ebbs or changes?
- Family and Boundaries: How involved should extended family be? What happens when in-laws overstep?
- Values and Faith: Do your belief systems align? How do you want to express or share your values as a couple and as parents?
- Infidelity and Temptation: What are your boundaries? How do you plan to protect your relationship?
- Daily Life and Division of Labour: Who does what at home? How do you define ‘balance’?
Many of these topics might seem small now or you might assume you’re on the same page, but assumptions are often where conflict brews. Talking about these points while you’re still in the glow of engagement can make it easier to find alignment – or notice red flags that need to be addressed.
Love alone doesn’t equip us for the challenges that come with building a life together
Where to find support
Premarital counselling can look different, depending on your values and the resources available to you.
- Faith-Based Counselling: Most churches, mosques, temples and spiritual communities offer premarital programmes as part of their marriage preparation. These often include sessions with a spiritual leader and guided conversations around values, communication and relationship roles.
- Licensed Therapists or Counsellors: For a more structured, psychological approach, couples can work with a licensed marriage counsellor or therapist. This is a good option if you’re dealing with specific issues like past trauma, family dysfunction or communication challenges.
- Workbooks and Guided Resources: While less structured, some couples choose to work through premarital books or journals on their own. This can be helpful, but it lacks the benefit of a neutral third party who can challenge assumptions, ask deeper questions and guide the discussion objectively.
- Couples Workshops: Some organisations offer weekend intensives or group classes. These can be affordable and engaging, plus you’ll learn alongside other couples.
Whatever path you choose, the key is to find a setting that feels safe, supportive and open – with someone who digs deep but does so with kindness and wisdom.
When you’re tired, scared, frustrated or simply changing, that’s where counselling offers a gift: it helps you lay a foundation before the storm
It's not a guarantee
Here’s the truth: no amount of counselling can immunise a marriage from hardship. Life will still life. Jobs will be lost. Babies will cry at Sam. Sickness, grief, betrayal, burnout… none of it cares whether you prepped.
Premarital counselling is a gift, one that says: I want to know you deeply. I want to build something real with you. I want us to last, not just legally, but emotionally. It’s also a practice in humility —to admit you don’t have all the answers. To sit in front of a stranger and say, “We love each other, and we want to love each other well.”
Marriage isn’t built on one big ‘yes’. It’s built on a thousand small ones —often in the dark, through discomfort, and when it’s least convenient. Premarital counselling doesn’t make those moments easier but it may make them less lonely. And that, perhaps, is where the real beauty lies: not in perfection, but in preparation. Not in always getting it right, but in choosing each other again and again, even when it’s hard.
By: Nozuko Tshangela
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