TIPS TO AVOID CONFLICT WHEN YOU OUT-EARN YOUR MAN

Some men are still brought up to believe they must be the sole provider, with their wife the caretaker. But if you earn more than your husband, things could get tricky. Here’s some advice on handling the situation.

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Arguments about money is the main reason for people divorcing. According to a poll by Slater and Gordon in 2018, it’s not about lack of money, but more about couples not being transparent about money issues.

Marriages of female breadwinners are 50% more likely to fold, the University of Chicago found in a study. That gets worse when a woman’s salary shoots past her husband’s. The US Census Bureau found that women who are the main breadwinners report their income 1.5 times lower than it is, while her husband might fill in his income 2.9 times higher than it is. People with outdated views can make the husband feel like a loser but also make the woman feel as if she married a loser.



WHAT’S HIS PROBLEM?
Some men feel that earning less makes them less important or manly, explains US psychiatrist and author Gail Saltz. “Perhaps they don’t want to embrace the role of doing more at home; it doesn’t make them feel better, it makes them feel worse. That can be difficult for them.”

Spouses might think they don’t compete, but they do, she adds. When a wife earns more or her husband’s career has stalled, it can breed insecurity. And that often drives anger and resentment.

Related article: Why you should never lie to your partner about money

WHAT’S HER PROBLEM?
Even when she wants that big job, a woman might still struggle with the idea that she has less time to be the primary caretaker for the kids (her real job, as some still see it).

“Women want to be the one to take the kids to the paediatrician… and they feel a sense of loss if they don’t get to. For many women, there’s an ambivalence that’s harder to tap into of both wanting and resenting.”



Related article: How to beat the guilt of being a working mom

6 SOLUTIONS THAT COULD HELP

1. Be honest and talk, especially about money. Set rules about financial matters – how much does each partner have available and then who will pay for what. Try adding up rent, regular bills, the average for food and household essentials and other costs. Divide it by your income ratio. Now both will know where their money goes each month and how much they need to put aside.

When you talk, focus on the positives. Avoid accusing your partner of not making enough or spending too much. Talk about how you can both feel more comfortable with money.

Related article: Don’t let debt get you down

2. Set goals. In the short term, those could be monthly expenses, hobbies and things you would like to buy. Long-term goals would be paying off bonds or car loans, saving for retirement and the children’s education.

3. Schedule. If both of you work, housework can be a pain. If the higher-paid partner feels she has to do most of the chores as well, arguments will break out. So agree on roles and timetables which are fair to both.

4. Compromise. The higher earner might want to treat their partner now and then, but too much of this can cause resentment. Do things you can both afford.

5. Create a shared account. Some couples find it helps to have a shared account for travel and other plans on the bucket list. It helps both partners feel they are contributing.

6. Support his work. Just because you earn more than your husband doesn’t mean his work isn’t important. Make sure you are never belittling the stress he has or the hard work he puts into his career.

You’d think a husband would be proud of his wife for earning big money. Sadly, most of the world isn’t there yet. But you’re on the same team, so don’t let money ruin the partnership.

Sources: https://www.purewow.com, https://goodmenproject.com/, https://www.cnbc.com, https://loverly.com/