9 WAYS TO OVERCOME SOCIAL ANXIETY

It’s normal to be shy, nervous or self-conscious at times. But when it stops you from doing what you want to or have to, it becomes a problem. Find out more about social anxiety and ways of managing it.

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Show and tell in school, asking a question in the lecture room. Job interviews, presentations. Chatting to your crush, joining conversations, making a new friend. These are all situations that test your social skills.

Most people can handle them. Some thrive on the challenge. But if you avoid situations or make up excuses to get out of them, you might be suffering from a social anxiety disorder.

This can run in families but science isn’t sure it’s in the genes. It could be behaviour you pick up as a child from, say, anxious parents. It can also come from parents who are too controlling or overprotective.

WHAT DOES SOCIAL ANXIETY FEEL LIKE?
In any contact with people, even friends and family, you worry that you’ll be judged, rejected, embarrassed or humiliated. It can make you blush, stutter and sweat. Your heart can beat faster or you can feel nauseous. This isn’t just in the situation – for days before any social event, you could have these symptoms just thinking about it.

So then you find excuses to avoid or get out of tasks or events that will make you anxious. You know your fear is over the top but you feel powerless against it.

Jo’burg copywriter Thandeka* has lived with social anxiety all her life. “I was the shy girl. People thought it was cute, but they lost patience with me as I grew older. Then I got a job and it became a real problem. I brushed off compliments, but any criticism stuck and made me feel hurt and resentful. Then I heard a manager had said I’m difficult to work with. My reaction was to become difficult. Because that’s what they were really thinking all along, right? I basically worked myself out of a job.”

With social anxiety, you have to find a way to manage work, relationships and everyday situations that are hard for you. Matume’s solution was freelancing from home. “I just had to be sure I wasn’t running away from a challenge, but choosing what’s best for me.”



Some techniques can help you manage social anxiety, at least up to a point where it doesn’t prevent you from having the life, achievements and happiness you desire.

1. Helping yourself
It starts with breathing. When the fear hits you, relax with 4-7-8 breathing. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 4. Hold the breath for seven counts, then exhale for eight counts.

2. If you feel all tensed up, try progressive muscle relaxation. Starting with your toes, slowly tense each group of muscles in your body. Hold for 5 seconds. Exhale while you release. Breathe slowly for 10 seconds, feeling the new looseness in the muscles. Then move to the legs and up your body, one group of muscles at a time.

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3. Be kind to others (and yourself). A 2015 study of college students with social anxiety showed that performing small acts of kindness helped reduce their desire to avoid social situations. Why does this work? Social anxiety generally is often about a fear of rejection or disapproval. But kindness earns you gratitude, which is approval.

4. Start small. Raise your hand in class to ask a question. Say something nice about a colleagues outfit. Have a get-together at your home with only a few people you know well.

5. Make a list of situations and rate them on a scale of 0 to 10 on how you think they’ll make you feel – the worst being full-blown panic. After one of these situations, compare how you thought you’d feel with how you actually felt.

6. Shift your attention to what’s happening around you. You won’t be rejected by other people if you keep a low profile in groups – you’ll just disappear. That’s not the way to go if you want to make friends, be part of a group or get noticed at the office.

“I chat to the kids when I feel overwhelmed,” Thandeka says. “It pleases the parents and it’s a good way of easing into the grown-up conversation. Pets are a good way in, too. What a lovely dog, what’s his name? And there you are, having a conversation with the owner.”

7. Tackle negative thoughts. Whether about people or situations, they might be automatic – and probably wrong. But they can make you misread faces and comments.



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8. Take time out. Many SAD sufferers are introverts, so they like to have some time to themselves. Take some to gather your thoughts, relax or enjoy the silence. This is a positive step, not running away or hiding.

9. Go with the flow
Social anxiety might be built into you but it doesn’t have to control you. So work on it, pat yourself on the back for a win and don’t beat yourself up about a fail.

“I have lapses,” says Thandeka. “Sometimes the phone rings and I panic. I think ‘who is that now, what do they want, why can’t they leave me alone?’ So I don’t answer. But then I do my breathing and call back. And it’s all fine.”

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Sources: https://www.webmd.com, https://www.healthline.com, https://www.psychologytoday.com, https://www.therecoveryvillage.com, https://www.helpguide.org, https://www.verywellmind.com