8 SECRETS TO A HAPPY FAMILY

What really strengthens your bonds as a family? Here’s what the latest expert research reveals.

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1. CURB SCREEN TIME – BUT DON’T BAN IT

Excessive screen time can affect children’s wellbeing, not to mention rob families of valuable interaction that helps to build stronger bonds. Journalist Emma Cook describes a scene that made her realise technology was taking over her family: ‘At first it was amusing, the sight of three kids bunched up on the sofa – 10, nine and two – arms and legs entwined, on their tablets.’ But the novelty quickly wore off, she says, describing the lack of interaction – no conversation, eye contact or laughter – as ‘spooky’. Enter the 5:2 principle, a concept gaining ground in the UK.

Originally applied to eating, the 5:2 diet derives its name from eating normally for five days a week and severely restricting your calory intake on the other two days. The diet is a popular method that is similar to intermittent fasting. It’s been hailed as a revolutionary approach to food and alcohol intake, and now the same approach is used in relationships and finance. That is why Emma decided to apply the principle to her family’s screen time, with positive results.

Initially, her kids were resistant, but by week two, the two eldest children were helping her put the youngest to bed when they’d normally be FaceTiming friends. ‘Our household is noisier, more argumentative, less passive and selfish.’ This isn’t to say that all screen time is bad – a study by the Stanford Research Institute found that game-based learning can boost cognitive learning in students by 12% – but it’s important to strike a balance.

“A happy marriage means happy children.”

2. PUT YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST

Andrew Marshall, counsellor and author of I Love You, But You Always Put Me Last, urges parents to put their children second. Although many parents dislike this concept, Marshall isn’t saying you shouldn’t tend to your kids’ needs, but rather that, on an everyday basis, your partner should be your top priority. ‘I’m not just saying that you should prioritise your partner because it will be good for your marriage, but because it’s good for your children too,’ he says. ‘In a nutshell, a happy marriage means happy children.’ Counselling psychologist Tanja Meyburgh agrees. ‘The foundation for a happy family is that the couple’s relationship is taken care of. The parents must work through their issues with their own parents: this will help them make the most of their relationship and avoid passing unresolved issues on to their children. Then, when the couple’s relationship is good, the children are free to be children.’

“Ensure that children know they will always be loved and accepted, even when they make mistakes.”

3. EAT TOGETHER

You’ve undoubtedly heard that the family that eats together stays together. There’s a good reason for this: research shows that family dinners nourish mental health in adolescents (and make it less likely they’ll engage in illicit behaviour involving drugs and alcohol).

It doesn’t take a scientist to tell us that the ritual of consuming food together is a powerful bonding force. Happily, you don’t necessarily have to chew in harmony every night to reap the rewards. According to Bruce Feiler, author of The Secrets of Happy Families, ‘Extensive studies have shown there are only 10 minutes of real conversation at family meals. The rest is taken up with “Don’t talk with your mouth full” and “Please pass the ketchup.” You can take those 10 minutes and use them at any time of day and have the same benefits.’

So if family dinners are tricky, why not try a breakfast, says Feiler, or make Sunday meals central?

4. MAKE SUREYOUR KIDS KNOW YOU LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY
‘The single most important characteristic of a happy family is one where the parents express unconditional love on a daily basis,’ says educational psychologist Catherine Radloff. ‘In my practice, I see so much unhappiness because children feel that their parents’ love and acceptance of them is conditional: “We love you when you get good marks or perform well, but not if you disappoint us in some way.” This leads to a variety of behavioural and emotional difficulties and is a recipe for poor self-esteem.’

Radloff stresses that this doesn’t mean condoning bad behaviour but rather ensuring that children know they will always be loved and accepted, even if they make mistakes.



5. BE SPECIFIC WITH PRAISE

‘Praise is a great tool, one of the strongest ways to influence your child’s actions, but it’s often misused or wasted,’ says Dr Alan Kazdin, Yale University psychologist and author of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.

‘Little changes in how you give praise can make huge differences.’ He says that research tells us six things about effective praise: it should be (1) enthusiastic and (2) specific; it should include (3) verbal and (4) nonverbal elements, such as a smile or a gentle touch; and it should be (5) frequent and (6) immediately follow the desired behaviour, which means you praise this behaviour whenever it happens, and you create opportunities for it to occur.

Perhaps you’re zoning out right about now – six things to remember every time you praise your child sounds like a lot to keep in mind. But it’s not really, says Dr Kazdin. ‘Say you’re trying to get your five-year-old daughter to go to bed without making her usual gigantic fuss. The moment she starts to walk toward her room, say something – with a nice smile – like, “That’s great! I asked you to go to your room, and you started right away.” Kiss her forehead, or give her a high five.

Right there, you’ve already hit most of the high points. The praise was enthusiastic, specific, and both verbal and nonverbal; it was immediate, and, because you’ve been looking for every chance to offer praise, probably also frequent. This is far more likely to work than simply saying “Good job!” a thousand times a day.’



6. CREATE A FAMILY NARRATIVE

According to Feiler, the most important thing you can do may also be the easiest: Tell your children the story of their own family history. Researchers at Emory University found that children who knew more about their parents, grandparents, and extended family’s histories – both the good and the bad – showed higher emotional wellbeing levels.

In their paper, ‘Do you know? The power of family history in adolescent identity and wellbeing’, researchers Robyn Fivush and Marshall Duke write: ‘Family stories provide a sense of identity through time, and help children understand who they are in the world.’

Family stories provide a sense of identity through time, and help Children understand who they are in the world.

Related article: Why kids should hear the old family stories

7. BE CONSISTENT
This might sound obvious, but treating your children equally is important. Granted, each child probably has a completely different personality to their siblings. As such, it can be easy to fall into a pattern of treating one child one way and the other children another (for example, being more positive towards your daughter who gets good grades, but then constantly scolding your son who is failing). This kind of inconsistency not only affects the child on the receiving end of the negative feedback; it will affect all children in the family.

A study in the journal Child Development found that when siblings in families were parented very differently, all the children in those families showed more mental health problems. ‘In all likelihood, this occurred because differential parenting sets up a dynamic that is very divisive,’ noted researcher Jennifer Jenkins.

8. YOU REALLY DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT
In I Love You But You Always Put Me Last, Andrew Marshall says that if we want to be happier, we should lower our expectations – you and your kids don’t need to be perfect. ‘Unfortunately, “good enough” is not a popular idea,’ says Marshall. ‘[English paediatrician and psychoanalyst] Donald Winnicott believed that if we could fulfil all our children’s needs on the spot by some miracle, they would have the illusion that the world revolved around them. Worse still, they would never need to overcome any obstacles – because we’d have carried them over or given them a leg-up – and therefore not have the opportunity to test things out for themselves, make mistakes, grow and become independent.’

Related article: 11 Signs you’re over-parenting and why it’s a bad thing

Neglecting a child is equally dangerous, so Winnicott proposed the concept of being good enough: you look out for your children but do not micro-manage them. ‘There are two advantages to taking this on board. First, it will help you keep your sanity, as it accepts that every parent makes mistakes. Second, and equally important, “good enough” stops you from competing with other parents.’

TEXT ROBYN MACLARTY