11 SIGNS YOU’RE OVER-PARENTING AND WHY IT’S A BAD THING

You want your child to be happy, carefree, and safe from hurt and harm. So you do what you think is best. Can this ever be a bad thing? It can. Here’s why and how to avoid it.

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A therapist and parent educator called Haim Ginott invented the term “helicopter parenting” for a book he published back in 1969. He said a helicopter parent is someone who is overprotective or overly interested in their child’s life.

These days it’s mostly called “over-parenting” and it’s still a big topic. Studies show being too involved in children’s lives can make them anxious. Later on, another study found, over-parented kids say they are less and less satisfied with their life.

This is bad for you as well. Parents who overdo it are more likely to experience high levels of anxiety, stress, and regret. Kids may sense that and make it their own.

Parents who try and smooth the road for their children are missing the point, says Dr. Wendy Mogel, clinical psychologist and author of the parenting book The Blessing of a B-Minus. Self-reliant and resilient children will be better prepared for the road ahead, she explains.

WARNING SIGNS
Here are some signs that you might be over-parenting, according to Dr. Mogel and some other experts.

1. YOU PRAISE TOO MUCH. Over-praising kids for everything they do can have a negative impact on their ability to judge good or bad.

2. YOU DON’T SAY NO. You can’t stand seeing them disheartened or disappointed, so you're afraid to say no. It can get to a point where a simple no will look unusual to them. Eventually, it might become hard for them to accept even a single no.

3. YOU BAN ACTIVITIES THAT SCARE YOU. For children to become more independent and gain self-confidence, you should let them try things suitable for their age.

4. YOU PANIC ABOUT A BAD GRADE. To some parents, one bad grade conjures images of their child being forever behind the pack.

5. YOU REWARD FOR EVERYTHING. Rewarding your kids for something good is extremely important. Bribing them to do something they should be doing anyway, is harmful. If your kids are always looking for what they will get each time they do something, you're on the road to over-parenting.



6. YOU DO EVERYTHING FOR YOUR CHILD. It’s tempting to do everything for your kids without thinking anything negative. But you are not allowing them to become independent.

7. YOU JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY. If keeping them happy is your constant goal, they might end up unable to handle bigger emotions when small things get difficult.

8. YOU TALK MORE THAN YOU LISTEN. You offer solutions and explanations before your child has finished talking.

9. YOU LET YOUR CHILD QUIT QUICKLY. Sometimes children don't like the feeling of being average at something. Learning and practising to get better can be uncomfortable. But it’s a necessary lesson.

10. YOU CONSTANTLY COMPARE YOUR KIDS WITH OTHERS. Following those perfect families on social media isn’t okay if they make you feel like a less successful parent.

11. YOUR CHILD HAS NO TIME TO PLAY. Everybody else's children are busy, so it feels like you are swimming against the tide if you don't provide yours with lots of extramurals and activities.

Related article: How to single parent like a pro

FINDING BALANCE
Dr. Samantha Rodman is an American clinical psychologist who offers this advice for avoiding the over-parenting trap.

Stop talking to your kids when they are busy or when they don’t want to talk. Let them be happy and take a break and go be happy yourself.

Ask them questions instead of solving their problems. The kids won't do everything you say anyway. If they did, it would be a sign of little confidence in their own decision-making and self-efficiency.

Share stories about your failures at their age. Telling them about your own poor choices makes you relatable.

Don’t let them stay up as late as you. If they are old enough to stay up later, let them do something quietly in their room, such as reading. Say goodnight before that time starts. You and your partner need a few child-free hours every night.

Blow your own horn sometimes. Stop saying or hinting that you are unattractive, stupid, or anything else. Tell them when they are being smart or funny like you. One time of hearing “You’re great at maths like me” is more valuable than 15 vague “You’re so smart” comments that even your kid may not believe, Dr. Rodman says.



Let them do things for others. Even toddlers are natural helpers. If you drop something, see if your little ones are going to pick it up and let them. All they need in return is a thank you. Some research says that letting kids know they are good helpers builds an adult who will care about and support others.

Related article: Top tips from parenting bloggers

Here’s the final word from US paediatrician Meg Meeker: "If you want to have strong, successful, emotionally healthy kids, the worst thing you can do for them is be over-involved in their lives, protecting them from every obstacle they may face."

So be there for them, but not all over them!

Related article: Parenting made easier

Sources: https://psychcentral.com/blog, https://www.verywellfamily.com, https://www.drpsychmom.com, https://www.parents.com, https://theconversation.com, https://www.stuff.co.nz, https://www.meekerparenting.com.

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