After a breakup, you’ll inevitably have to deal with your ex, especially if you have children together. As a result, establishing clear boundaries is essential to maintaining good relationships with everyone involved.
In a relationship, there are three entities involved: you, your partner, and the relationship itself. But, while the relationship might be entirely separate from the people in it, it’s made up of their hopes and dreams. That’s what makes transitioning from partner to ex so difficult, explains relationship coach Steph Dawson Cosser.
THE BENEFITS OF BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are guidelines, rules, and limits that a person sets for themselves to determine acceptable and appropriate behaviour from others. Setting and observing boundaries promotes a pleasant and healthy relationship while it endures and after it ends. However, when boundaries are ignored, issues of power imbalances may arise.
‘Although our boundaries are invisible, we are very aware of them from an emotional point of view,’ Steph says. ‘So, when someone transgresses a boundary, we feel that we have been disrespected.’ The result? A dysfunctional relationship that makes it hard for the two of you to get along, and this can ultimately affect your children.
THE BENEFITS OF BOUNDARIES
Boundaries are guidelines, rules, and limits that a person sets for themselves to determine acceptable and appropriate behaviour from others. Setting and observing boundaries promotes a pleasant and healthy relationship while it endures and after it ends. However, when boundaries are ignored, issues of power imbalances may arise.
‘Although our boundaries are invisible, we are very aware of them from an emotional point of view,’ Steph says. ‘So, when someone transgresses a boundary, we feel that we have been disrespected.’ The result? A dysfunctional relationship that makes it hard for the two of you to get along, and this can ultimately affect your children.
WHAT DO UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES LOOK LIKE?
• The inability to say no. For example, allowing your ex to come over unannounced even when you don’t want them to.
• Being overly reliant on your ex’s perspective. For example, always going to them for financial or career guidance.
• Oversharing personal information. This includes allowing them to check your emails or phone messages.
• Being overly interested in their problems. For example, asking them about their lives and giving them relationship advice.
HOW TO IMPOSE BOUNDARIES
Imposing boundaries isn’t merely a way to protect yourself; if you share children, it’s also about making your kids feel that their parents have created a safe space for them, even though the relationship has ended. This begins with you, says Steph. ‘Unless you know your strengths and weaknesses, what you like and dislike, you won’t know where your boundaries begin and end, or how to enforce them.’ Spending time getting to know yourself, learning to trust your instincts and being gentle on yourself as you discover who you really are can often be the first steps towards beginning to set healthier boundaries and then implementing them.
Related Article: Inspiring stories from women who became moms after 35
• The inability to say no. For example, allowing your ex to come over unannounced even when you don’t want them to.
• Being overly reliant on your ex’s perspective. For example, always going to them for financial or career guidance.
• Oversharing personal information. This includes allowing them to check your emails or phone messages.
• Being overly interested in their problems. For example, asking them about their lives and giving them relationship advice.
HOW TO IMPOSE BOUNDARIES
Imposing boundaries isn’t merely a way to protect yourself; if you share children, it’s also about making your kids feel that their parents have created a safe space for them, even though the relationship has ended. This begins with you, says Steph. ‘Unless you know your strengths and weaknesses, what you like and dislike, you won’t know where your boundaries begin and end, or how to enforce them.’ Spending time getting to know yourself, learning to trust your instincts and being gentle on yourself as you discover who you really are can often be the first steps towards beginning to set healthier boundaries and then implementing them.
Related Article: Inspiring stories from women who became moms after 35
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR EX
State how you feel about the important issues. For example, do you feel comfortable with sharing friends, or would you prefer to start new friendships?
• Social media can be tricky. You might agree that this is a no-go zone for both of you.
• Acknowledge that this is a difficult process. At some point, both of you will start taking strain. Let your ex know when you have reached this point.
• Politeness and respect are non-negotiable. If you share children, your ex will be in your life forever, which can be difficult if you no longer have positive feelings towards them. However, treating each other well will make the situation much easier – but if you find it difficult to be civil face to face, agree on an alternate form of communication.
• Ask a mediator to get involved if emotions are running high. They’ll be able to give objective input and guidance.
Related article: Divorce: The warning signs
State how you feel about the important issues. For example, do you feel comfortable with sharing friends, or would you prefer to start new friendships?
• Social media can be tricky. You might agree that this is a no-go zone for both of you.
• Acknowledge that this is a difficult process. At some point, both of you will start taking strain. Let your ex know when you have reached this point.
• Politeness and respect are non-negotiable. If you share children, your ex will be in your life forever, which can be difficult if you no longer have positive feelings towards them. However, treating each other well will make the situation much easier – but if you find it difficult to be civil face to face, agree on an alternate form of communication.
• Ask a mediator to get involved if emotions are running high. They’ll be able to give objective input and guidance.
Related article: Divorce: The warning signs
HOW TO CREATE BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR EX
Reviewed by Edgars Mag
on
May 06, 2022
Rating:
Reviewed by Edgars Mag
on
May 06, 2022
Rating:
