GET YOUR TEENAGER TO CONFIDE IN YOU

Do you wish your teenager would confide in you more? If it feels like there’s a gulf between you, here’s how to build your relationship so that they feel comfortable sharing with you.

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Raising a teenager is not an easy job – but being a teen is just as difficult. Between homework, hormones, peer pressure and much more, young people have a lot going on. And as their parents, you probably wish they would open up more about what’s going on in their lives and discuss things with you more.

The fact is, teenagers generally talk more to their friends and peers than to their parents, so it’s up to you to maintain open and honest lines of communication and treat them in such a way that if (and that’s a big if) they do feel like sharing, they know they can come to you. Here are some tips.

SET WEEKLY DATES
The more time you spend with your children, the more likely they are to trust that you’ll be there for them in a bad situation. Parenting coach Celeste Rushby suggests scheduling regular alone time with your kids. ‘It’s important to schedule it, otherwise you might not end up doing it, and also so that your kids can get used to the routine of it.’ And make sure you’re doing something they want to do.

‘Don’t drag them along with you to get your errands done,’ she warns. ‘Rather go out for cheesecake or play a board game after dinner.’ Whatever you decide, just invest time in them. When you give your kids your time, you’re showing them that they’re important. And when they feel important, (and therefore secure and loved), they’re more likely to believe they can come to you in a crisis.



DID YOU KNOW?
Rushby says teenagers generally find it easier to communicate ‘shoulder to shoulder’ rather than face to face – meaning during an activity or while driving in the car.

CREATE A SAFE SPACE
All kids need to be able to express their emotions – even the negative ones – and they shouldn’t be judged for it. As a parent, you need to create an environment where they know that they can show anger, disappointment or sadness, says parenting coach Timann Esterhuizen. When they know they are ‘allowed’ to show these emotions they may be more likely to come to you with these feelings because they know you can handle them.

JUST DO IT!
Remember the saying, ‘Do as I say, not as I do’? Well, unfortunately, if you’ve ever tried that line on your kids, chances are it didn’t work. Kids learn through observation, so you need to act in the way you want them to act. ‘Think of it this way,’ says Esterhuizen, ‘have you ever noticed that as an adult, you are far more like your parents than you thought? This is because certain behaviours or character traits were modelled to you when you were a child, informing the type of adult you’d become.’

With this in mind, remember that your teen is watching you. You never want to behave in such a way that your teen would think they couldn’t come to you with their issues.



DON’T MISREAD THE SIGNS
Your teen might be getting lower grades, sleeping in later, seeming withdrawn or irritable – but that doesn’t mean there is anything major going on. ‘Don’t automatically jump to drug use, for example,’ Rushby explains. ‘It could be something much less sinister like a dispute with a best friend, a boyfriend breaking up with them, or a mean comment from a teacher.’

SET BOUNDARIES
You might think having no set rules will make your child happy – but children feel safe when they’re given boundaries, says Esterhuizen. Rushby agrees, but adds there’s a fine line you will need to walk. ‘Too many rules will lead to rebellion. No rules will lead to insecurity and a feeling that you don’t care enough to set reasonable limits.’ And if your child feels you don’t care, it’s fairly unlikely they will confide in you.

DIRECTORY
For advice on coping with teenage issues:
childline.org.za/parents/for-parents/
beintouch.org.za
munchkins.me

 JET CLUB HELPLINES
For free advice on any aspect of raising teenagers, Jet Club members can call our helpline

HEALTH, TEEN & BABY HELPLINE
SA & Namibia
0800 0045 45

Botswana, Lesotho & Swaziland
+2711 991 8258

By ERIN COE