I BECAME A SINGLE DAD AND HERE’S WHAT HELPED

Parenting as a single father can be as daunting as it is richly rewarding. A few single dads share their very different stories.

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Thabang was left confused and at his wits’ end when his girlfriend left him with their three-month-old son. ‘She asked that I babysit for the day,’ he recalls, ‘but after two days of not showing up and her phone going straight to voicemail, I went to her mother’s house. Her mother had no idea where she was. After a few more days she called to say she was not ready to be a mother.’ Thabang was left with no choice but to care for his son on his own. ‘I felt confused, angry and lost for a while, but needed to snap out of it quickly as my son was the innocent one here. He deserved a responsible parent.’ Years later, he can’t imagine what would have become of them if it wasn’t for the help of his family. ‘My older cousin needed a job and moved in with us to help with my son for a small payment.’ From meals to helping with getting his son ready for daycare, she had it covered. ‘She was with us for seven years until my son started primary school,’ he says.

Now nine years old, Thabang’s son never had the chance to get to know his biological mother, but he had the love of his grandmother. ‘As men, we have to remember that we are not alone and we should not be afraid to seek help,’ says Thabang. ‘My son was raised with the help of my family. I can’t take all the credit. It is indeed true that it takes a village.’

DID YOU KNOW?
Fathers for Justice (f4j.co.za) supports and guides fathers navigating the challenges of a difficult separation. They’re on Facebook too – facebook.com/ Fathers4Justice.



FILLING THE GAP
When a spouse passes on, leaving a father alone to raise his children, a different set of dynamics is in play. ‘The pain of losing my life partner was devastating, but I knew I needed to set aside my grief for a time and quite simply keep my remaining family safe,’ says Ibrahim, a widowed father of two. ‘That’s when I put my pride in my pocket and asked for help. Community is everything, and it was amazing for me to see just how powerful it can be when you admit you need help,’ he says. ‘In our case, we were overwhelmed with support, from precooked meals to babysitting when work demanded. Never underestimate the importance of a support structure, especially if other family members are far away.’

STEPPING UP
When a father passes on, his son is often expected to fill his shoes. ‘When our dad unexpectedly died, I felt compelled to step up and support my younger siblings,’ says David. ‘As a 10-year-old at the time, I had no idea what to do, other than run on instinct when it came to protecting them.’ As much as David could not replace his late dad, he could be a big brother, a strong and safe influence on his siblings. ‘It is a sacrifice I would make again,’ he says, ‘because it helped hold all of us together, as a family, at a time of great loss.’

Today David is a proud father to two daughters. ‘When my father died, I realised the importance of family,’ he says. ‘Making sure I am always there for my girls is important. No matter the issue, I put my work aside and place my focus on supporting them completely.’

SEPARATED BUT BONDED
James was only a full-time parent for less than 18 months after both his sons were born (from different relationships). He found being separated from them at such young ages incredibly difficult. ‘Through all the pain of living apart and only seeing my boys every two weeks,’ he says, ‘what I committed to is being consistent. What I promise, I deliver on, no matter what. That one simple rule has helped shape them into two of the most well- adjusted children I know, and we’re connected regardless of where they are. Letting go of the anger and frustration, and focusing squarely on them, celebrating their lives outside of and away from me, has forged a bond no one can challenge. There is a saying that goes, ‘you will learn your biggest lessons from your children’, so be present when you are together and the gift you’ve been given will reward you with inner peace and great joy.



ADVICE FOR SINGLE DADS

1. SHOW YOUR LOVE. Give your child your unconditional love and support, and set aside time every day to play, read or do anything else you both enjoy.
2. SET LIMITS. Explain house rules clearly, and enforce them consistently. Also give your child age-appropriate responsibilities.
3. CREATE STRUCTURE. Routine — such as regular mealtimes and bedtimes — gives your child a sense of security.
4. TREAT YOURSELF WELL. Eat a healthy diet, get regular exercise and plenty of sleep. Give yourself a ‘timeout’ by arranging for child care at least once a week.
5. STAY POSITIVE. Be honest if you’re having difficulties, but assure your child things will get better – and don’t lose your sense of humour!

Go to www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/single-parent/art- 20046774 for more advice.

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