A GUIDE TO TALKING TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT CANCER

It’s going to be hard, even if the diagnosed person is only a distant relative or friend. But not doing it will make things harder. We looked at advice from experts on how to deal with this challenge.

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Telling kids that someone in their life has an illness such as cancer is important for many reasons. They'll cope better if they have an idea of what is happening.

The kids will notice changes – sadness, conversations behind closed doors, maybe more phone calls, different routines. Even the youngest will figure out there’s a secret being kept. Not knowing what it is might make them feel powerless and cut off from the rest of the family.

Bad news is upsetting, no matter how close or distant the person who got the diagnosis. But if children don't get the facts from you, they might overhear something or imagine even worse things than what is actually happening.

There isn’t a fixed formula for how to have this conversation. A lot depends on you, who the ill person is, the kids and their age. Below this article are links for more help and general support. What follows, is advice most experts give about the basic approach.

PREPARE WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY
It may be helpful to practice or write it down. Decide who you want present – your partner, a relative, a close friend. You might want to speak to the older kids first. They might even want to help you tell the young ones.

EXPLAIN THE DISEASE
The US National Cancer Institute suggests saying this first: Nothing your child or anyone did, thought or said caused the cancer.

Having cancer doesn't mean you'll die from it. In fact, many people live with cancer for a long time. Your child can't make the patient well. But there are ways to make them feel better. Scientists are finding many new ways to treat cancer.

Related article: Coping with the big C

FIND YOUR VOICE
Pick a suitable quiet moment and keep your tone calm and reassuring. Encourage your kids to share their thoughts. They might not want to talk right away, so don’t push them.

CONSIDER THEIR AGE
Use familiar words and keep it short for younger kids, because they have short attention spans. It might take more than one talk.

DON’T HIDE STRONG FEELINGS
Showing emotion, even crying, can be a good way to cope. Expressing sadness can show children that it’s okay for them to do the same. Your children will take cues from you.

We can’t stop kids from feeling sad, but if we share our feelings and give them information about what’s happening, we can support them in their sadness.



HOW THEY MIGHT REACT
Children between 5 and 8 might focus on themselves first. It’s natural for them to ask questions such as “who will take care of me?” when a parent is ill. Let them know you will have a plan. It will help them cope.

Children aged 8 or older will probably have more questions. Answer what you can and keep in mind that it is okay not to have all the answers.

Teens are in a phase where they're trying to break away and be independent, says the National Cancer Institute. Try to get them to talk about their feelings and ask questions. Share as much as they want to know. Ask them for their opinions and, if possible, let them help you make decisions.

Remember: There are no absolute right or wrongs, advises the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. As with most parenting, the actual words are not as important as letting children know that you are there for them and that they can bring their questions and fears to you.

Related article: Stories of hope as told by cancer survivors

 JET CLUB HELPLINES
PERSONAL HEALTH ADVISOR
For free advice on any health concerns, you or your family members have, call:

SA & Namibia
0800 0045 45

Botswana, Lesotho & Swaziland
+2711 991 8258

Cancer support: Cancer Association of South Africa (https://cansa.org.za), Cancer Association of Namibia (https://www.can.org.na), Cancer Association of Botswana (https://www.uicc.org/membership/cancer-association-botswana)

Sources: https://www.cancercare.org, https://www.cancercouncil.com.au, https://www.cancer.gov, https://www.dana-farber.org