ALL ABOUT SELF-REGULATION AND WHY IT’S AN IMPORTANT SKILL

Are you able to control your emotional responses, or do you act on impulse? Self-regulation is key to emotional maturity, wellbeing and reaching your goals.

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Can you cheer yourself up when you’re down? Or calm yourself when you’re mad? If not, you may have poor self-regulation. Self-regulation – or self-control – is ‘the ability to regulate your emotions, behaviours and thoughts without needing an external thing or person,’ says Joanne Hardman, associate professor at the University of Cape Town’s School of Education.

Self-regulation helps us behave in ways that uphold our values, as we aim for our goals. For example, if your dream is to become an Olympic athlete, you need to keep fit. Someone with poor self-regulation might be tempted into a lifestyle of late nights and parties, which would defeat that goal. Self-control is key to emotional maturity and self-discipline.

THE BENEFITS OF SELF-CONTROL
If we are able to regulate and control our feelings, we get on with life, no matter what. We can adapt to change, bounce back from failure, see obstacles as opportunities and maintain open communication despite conflict. An important element of self-control is that it allows us to keep things in perspective in difficult times or situations. Someone who’s able to regulate their emotions won’t fall apart because they failed their course – they’ll see it as a chance to get even better marks after further study.

Self-regulation helps the child focus at school, collaborate with others and solve problems, rather than having meltdowns or acting out.

LACK OF CONTROL
The consequences of poor self-regulation include resentment, unhappiness, poor self-esteem, the inability to handle stress, and the tendency to blame others for our lot in life. Those with poor self-regulation may act out, and avoid or suppress difficult emotions. They don’t think before they act, which can result in minor mishaps or even major disasters.

COMMON OBSTACLES
Common obstacles to self-regulation include stress, relationship conflict, and sudden change. The Covid-19 pandemic has proved to be a big obstacle. With its limits to freedoms and its heightened fears, the virus has challenged even those who are usually good at self-regulation. Covid-19 has impacted children particularly badly. ‘Self-regulation is taught through mediated guidance by a more experienced “other”. During the pandemic, children may have lost parents or caregivers (their “other”). And they haven’t had the consistent experience of regulating their behaviours in school,’ says Hardman.

She says educational psychologists in Cape Town who test for learning difficulties and disabilities have been booked up due to Covid-19. Hardman says this is because children haven’t learnt to self-regulate, which leads to signs and symptoms that mimic ADHD, such as inattentive behaviour. So even though the child doesn’t have the developmental delay caused by ADHD, they might show signs of it.



HELPING CHILDREN DEVELOP SELF-CONTROL
Self-regulation is learnt in childhood, between the ages of three and seven. This is when kids need to know that they can’t throw a tantrum when they don’t get their way; they can’t strike out at a peer who makes them mad. Self-regulation helps the child focus at school, collaborate with others and solve problems, rather than having meltdowns or acting out. Children who don’t feel safe and secure may develop problems with self-soothing. As adults, they’ll have a hard time managing when life gets tough.

For parents, it’s about routines, boundaries and setting a good example. ‘First, the parent must show the child how to regulate their actions,’ says Hardman. The parent should ‘model’ right action for the child to imitate. ‘Consistency is crucial, as are firm boundaries,’ she adds.

‘Cuddling is lovely, but a parent truly makes the child feel loved and safe through boundaries.’



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HELP FOR ADULTS
If you’re an adult who struggles to self-regulate, rest assured: this is a skill that can be developed. Here are some ways to help you gain control of your emotions.

Mindfulness
The founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn, defines mindfulness as ‘the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment non-judgementally’. According to positive psychology.com, mindfulness ‘promotes conscious decisions about how to behave over simply going along with whatever your feelings are telling you’.

Understanding that feelings are temporary – they come and they go – will help you pause, instead of acting irrationally or irresponsibly in the heat of the moment. Meditation, yoga, practising gratitude, and focused breathing all help to develop mindfulness.

Know your triggers
What situations test your limits? Identify those that tempt you to behave in ways that are not in your best interests. When in these situations, use breathing techniques or soothing self-talk to resist poor behaviour.

Look after your health
To be less on edge, practise self-care. Eat well, get enough sleep and exercise, and avoid stimulants like coffee and alcohol. Spend time alone to recharge, and make time to do things that you find enjoyable and relaxing.

See a therapist
If self-regulation remains a problem for you, see a therapist. Consider a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, such as dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), which aims to identify and change negative thought patterns to promote positive behavioural changes.

Related article: 5 Reasons why therapy could be helpful

BY DEIDRE DONNELLY