HOW TO OVERCOME A TOXIC CHILDHOOD AND LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE

You might not even realise the damage a negative family member did to your self-image and the way you live. Here are some pointers on how to spot the toxicity and free yourself from it.

The family home is supposed to be a place where you can feel safe, comfortable and free to be yourself among people with whom you share a common history. That's one reason why getting together at the family home during the holidays can be so enjoyable.

But someone in the family might have had a toxic influence on your childhood. They might have made you feel bad about yourself, your achievements or your lifestyle. You might be haunted to this day by things they said or did.

POSSIBLE SIGNS OF A TOXIC CHILDHOOD
You may have had a toxic relationship with your parents as a child without even realising it. If it’s all you knew, you might have considered it normal. Here are some of the most common things toxic parents might have done.

They turned every small thing into a drama. Any possible misstep from you was an excuse to get hostile, angry, orally abusive or destructive.
Everything was about them and their needs. They failed to see how anything they did could be considered disruptive, harmful, or hurtful.
They wanted to control everything and everyone. This included making unreasonable demands even when you're already a grown-up.
They never acknowledged that you did well. They were always putting down other people around and talking about their own gifts or talents.
Any fights or hostility they cause were always someone else's fault. They blamed the family and came up with twisted views of what happened, all to make them look innocent.

HOW DOES THIS BEHAVIOUR AFFECT YOU?
Especially a generation or two ago, toxic parents ruled by fear. You heard more about bad things that would happen if you didn’t do something than about the positives if you did. You ended up always scared that you would mess up, say the wrong thing, make a fool of yourself or be humiliated. These fears can stay with you for life if you don’t shake them off.

Children may lose faith in love. Children who see parents fighting all the time might wonder if their mum or dad really love each other. They might lose faith in love and that could damage their own romantic relationships.

You always blame yourself. If you were always told that it’s all your fault, chances are you still blame yourself when things go wrong. You can turn out so self-critical that you find it almost impossible to tackle challenges and to believe you can achieve good things.

You become closed off. If your parents, scoffed or belittled your emotional responses, you might have become scared of opening up. You started believing that being vulnerable isn't safe and can only lead to pain and humiliation. You might end up sabotaging your own relationships to defend yourself.

You pride yourself on being a perfectionist. Some people call themselves perfectionists as if that’s a good thing. It’s not. Perfectionism, as one therapist explains it, comes from a place of desperation to earn approval and avoid judgment, blame, or being shamed.

You aim to please, everyone. Children who were ignored might also become people pleasers and give their all to everyone because they didn’t get enough from their parents.

Related article: How to discipline with kindness for happy, balanced kids

WAYS TO HELP YOU COPE
You have to understand that toxic habits may have been formed by how your parents themselves were brought up. But once you know what happened and examine how it influenced you, you can break free and avoid repeating the mistakes with your own kids.

Recognising and accepting that the parent is toxic and is not willing to change allows you to have the freedom to consider your own needs.

Related article: I believe in me

Helpful strategies

Learn to set boundaries. Set boundaries on what you will accept and what you will not. Be clear about them and limit contact with your parents to keep your time together positive and healthy.
Take control. Picking the location for meeting toxic parents is also a way to limit behaviours. Meeting in a public space allows you to leave if they do not respect your boundaries and creates a neutral place where you are less likely to fall into old patterns of behaviour.
Be selective. You do not need to spend every holiday or special event with your parents. Instead, spend time with positive people who make you feel good about yourself and that encourage you.
Don’t react. Don’t take the bait from toxic people, don’t react, take it from whom it comes, don't feel responsible for someone else's feelings and needs.
If you find you always react to certain things in a specific way, think about your childhood experiences and how they made you feel. Is that where it comes from? Write it down if you like or talk to a trusted friend or advisor.
Acknowledge the things you excel at. In a toxic environment, the brain shuts down to protect itself as much as possible. Over long periods, this can lead to anxiety, depression, memory loss, reduced immunity and stress and even illness. Research has shown that migraine and other pain conditions are more common in people who were brought up in abusive environments. So build yourself up. Think about what you do well and feel good about it.