TIPS FOR PARENTS TO MANAGE CONFLICT WITH GRANDPARENTS

They love the new baby and the kids to bits – and that’s a big bonus for your family. But you are the parent now and this special relationship has to work for you, not against you.

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There are big benefits to having grandparents involved in your child’s life. Many studies have shown that they are an extra support system for children growing up. But everybody has to be clear on where the boundaries are.

In a 2020 poll by the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital in the US, nearly half of parents said they have disagreements with one or more grandparents about parenting. This led to one in seven of them limiting how much their kids see the grandparents.

The most common disagreements were about discipline, meals or snacks, TV or screen time, manners and health or safety. Here are some of the typical issues that pop up and how experts suggest you deal with them.



THEY DON’T RESPECT MY RULES
Grandparents want to feel useful, so it’s good to let them know how you appreciate their involvement. But they also have to know how you intend to parent and accept that this is your job.

If you feel grandma or grandpa crossed a line with parenting tips, tell them in a positive way. Say you value their knowledge and will ask if you need help but you have to do what you believe is right.

THEY’RE TOO SOFT OR TOO HARD WITH MY KIDS
Parents may want to explain to children why grandparents don’t always follow the family rules, says Sarah Clark, a research scientist and co-leader of the Mott Poll. When grandparents are being too lenient, she suggests saying something like “Grandma and Grandpa don’t get to see you very often, so they like to pack all the fun things into a short visit”.

If it goes the other way with grandparents being too strict, she advises that you speak out firmly so the child feels supported. Later you can explain more to your kid: “When Grandma and Grandpa were your age, this is what parents did when children misbehaved. We don’t do that in our family, but sometimes Grandma and Grandpa forget that things have changed.”

Related article: How to discipline with kindness for happy, balanced kids

WE DISAGREE ON RELIGION
No matter what your beliefs, chances are they differ from what the previous generation believed. Talk to them about your ideas and point out that you have the right to your own values, as they do.

THEY FEEL LEFT OUT
For some grandparents, babysitting often or picking up the kids from school can be exhausting. Others might feel left out if you don’t let them help. Talk to them about what they can manage and what they’d like to do. See if there’s a role you can give them so they can contribute – something that they can manage and that genuinely helps you.

THEY DON'T RESPECT MY SPACE
Dropping in whenever they want to might not work for you. Especially with a new baby, explain that mum and dad need the visits to be planned and short until the baby is older and the parents have caught up on lost sleep.

THEY DON’T FOLLOW MY RULES
If grandma or grandpa will be looking after the kids often, talk about your rules upfront. Let them know what is not negotiable: car seats, food options, bedtime. They might not always stick closely to the rules, but that’s fine.

A big issue is sharing family pictures online. Explain to them that just as you won’t let any stranger into your house, you don’t share your private pictures with strangers. Help them set up a WhatsApp family group or an online space such as DropBox or Google Drive where only people they invite will have access to the pictures.

ASSUME THE BEST
There are days when you’re loving the new baby and others when you’ll feel anxious or overwhelmed by the responsibility. To some degree, the same goes for the grandparents. Be patient with them as they learn a new role.

They will make mistakes, as will you, so speak to them about your expectations. It is also important to have a united front with your partner. The grandparents must see that you are in agreement on how to raise your child, as you should be.



A 2016 study by Boston University shows that children and grandparents who enjoyed a strong relationship suffered fewer symptoms of depression. Other research showed that bonding moments with the grandchildren improve the grandparent’s mental health and cognitive abilities, like thought-processing speed and working memory.

It’s clear that a solid understanding between you and the grandparents will be good for everyone – especially your children. So remember that just as in most other relationships, it’s all about communication and mutual trust.

Related article: Why kids should hear the old family stories

Sources: https://www.care.com, https://www.empoweringparents.com, https://centerforparentingeducation.org, https://healthblog.uofmhealth.org, https://www.parents.com, https://mottpoll.org/reports/when-parents-and-grandparents-disagree, https://www.catholicweekly.com.au/