THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH APOLOGISING

How many ways are there to apologise after a fight? According to Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas's The 5 Apology Languages, there are five. And, as with love languages, it's important that you learn about your and your partner's apology languages if you want a sustained and loving relationship.

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Sometimes just saying “I'm sorry” isn't enough - especially if you've deeply hurt someone you love. So, it's helpful to know the five apology languages and whether there might be another way to show remorse to your partner and seek forgiveness.

Chapman and Thomas’ five apology languages are:

1. Expressing regret: A simple act of expressing regret - “I'm sorry. You were right”.
2. Making restitution: This involves figuring out how to make things better by asking, “How can I make it right?”
3. Requesting forgiveness: This action involves a sincere admission that one’s actions were wrong and asking, “Can you find it in your heart to...?”
4. Accepting responsibility: Changing your behaviour - “I was wrong to do or say that. I realise it must have hurt you”.
5. Planning for change: Don't assume that things are back to normal until the other person has had a chance to process their hurt - “I will take the following steps to ensure this doesn't happen again”.

WHY ARE APOLOGY LANGUAGES SO IMPORTANT?
Apology languages are just as important as love languages (a term that Chapman also coined). There are different ways in which you can make amends - like how you and your partner have different love languages. “I think we have to keep apologizing in different ways until our partner feels that sense of release and the healing process begins,” explains relationship counsellor Mary Ovenstone.

She describes it as a process rather than a magic formula, adding that a third party (in the form of a counsellor) is often needed to guide couples to a place where they can forgive and renew their love for each other. “It's important to clear up what has caused us pain, so we can heal and move on in our relationships,” she says. “Forgiveness is the mechanism we use to reset and begin to recover from a breach in trust and the pain it has caused us. Apologizing is the first step in forgiveness and eventual healing”.



WHAT IF YOUR APOLOGY LANGUAGES ARE DIFFERENT?
Opposites tend to attract, so in all likelihood, your apology language will be different from your partner's. This is a chance to experiment with what works.

For example, you may prefer a heartfelt apology over a candlelit dinner. On the other hand, your partner may want you to commit to putting measures in place so that their hurtful actions never happen again. “To forgive another, we need to hear an apology that speaks to our wounded heart”, explains Ovenstone. “Anything less doesn't start the process of healing and restoring trust”.

She believes that apologizing correctly is the first step to opening your heart again. “What a person really wants to know is that you will never again do the thing that hurt them and that you will work towards restoring the trust in the relationship,” she says. “And it takes effort and commitment to do that. So maybe you need to try apologising in a few different ways until you are heard, and it has that healing effect you're looking for”.

BY KATHERINE GRAHAM