HOW TO AVOID TAKING YOUR ANGER OUT ON LOVED ONES

This article will look at how to manage your feelings and not take your anger out on your loved ones

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Are you and your partner one screaming match away from leaving each other? Or are you and your bestie constantly arguing about things that aren’t that significant? Perhaps you’re simply finding it difficult to read where their anger is coming from?

If any of the above ring true, chances are you might be experiencing what relationship experts refer to as an ‘anger iceberg’. To save your relationship, it’s best to chip away at it and come to terms with what lies beneath – no matter who harbours the largest iceberg. The next time you feel yourself directing anger at someone, stop and think about the feelings that might be below the surface.

THE ICEBERG THEORY
The name of this theory by the Gottman Institute pretty much sums it up: It suggests that anger should be viewed as an iceberg. The bit above the water is our physical response to a situation that we can see and experience first-hand.

But the bulk of the iceberg, which in this theory represents our true feelings, remains concealed beneath the water. This can make it impossible for us – and others –to truly see the underlying factors. Similarly, anger tends to present itself externally while there are many other underlying thoughts and unseen emotions. These include jealousy, sadness, betrayal, fear, or embarrassment.

IDENTIFY THE ICEBERG
How can you know if there is an anger iceberg in your relationship? Often, anger is as plain as it reads, and we’re all entitled to feel it. But sometimes, it can be representative of something else. When anger becomes an ongoing issue in your relationship, other emotions could possibly be the cause. Identifying the cause is crucial to a happy, long-lasting relationship.

BECOME SELF-AWARE
The first step to resolving the anger is to become aware of what the underlying emotions are. When you feel your anger starts to rise, take a moment. What is it a disguise for? Do you feel hurt by your partner? Do you feel stressed? Are you sad or maybe even insecure?

Delve deep into discovering what those emotions are. As soon as you can properly understand and identify what causes you to feel angry, you’ll be able to turn your anger around, work through the underlying issue and prevent another argument.

OFTEN, ANGER IS AS PLAIN AS IT READS, AND IS AN EMOTION THAT WE’RE ALL ENTITLED TO FEEL

TALK IT OUT
Becoming aware of your feelings makes it much easier to talk about them. Talking about the underlying thoughts and emotions is an important aspect for a healthy relationship. Laying everything out on the table means there’s a better chance of finding solutions, which will strengthen a relationship.

BE UNDERSTANDING 

It may be frustrating being on the receiving end of your friend, partner or sibling’s anger, but it’s best not to react with anger of your own. Rather try to understand them, try not to become defensive, since it most likely isn’t you that’s the problem.

Sit down with them and try to understand what emotions are causing them to react aggressively, and acknowledge what they say. This process will lead to solutions and will create an even stronger bond between the two of you.

ANGER VS ABUSE
If you feel that your partner is using anger to control or manipulate you, there is a strong chance that you are experiencing abuse. If this is the case, acknowledge it as the first step and work toward eliminating it from your relationship. Remember, you do not deserve to be treated that way.

A truly, loving partner will not try to control you. Counsellors and support groups can help you find the answers you need for clarity and the courage to get out. If the abuse is physical, you can find help with the police, at your doctor’s office or hospital, at shelters, and through the National Gender Based Violence Helpline: 0800 428 428.

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