IDENTIFY AND UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN RED FLAGS TO BUILD HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIPS

Could the problem lie with you? Here's how to identify and understand your own red flags for healthier relationships

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Compulsive liar, confident cheat, pushover... it’s easy to spot problems in others but often we’re blinded by our own (or maybe too ashamed to claim them out loud). Flaws are normal, and self-reflection is a huge step to becoming a better person and moulding healthier relationships. Cape Town-based clinical psychologist Daniel den Hollander digs deeper into four common red flags.

1. PEOPLE PLEASING
Can’t say no even when you really want to? A big part of breaking this habit of putting yourself second is setting and maintaining boundaries: “It’s a fundamental act of self-respect. It’s proof that you value your needs, which is vital for your mental and emotional well-being,” Daniel says. Not comfortable telling someone they’ve crossed a line? “The best way to handle this is to gather all the appropriate facts for an informed and effective response, and choose an appropriate time and place to address it.” Be assertive and to the point, and expect further discussions. When you set boundaries, there’s no pressure to please.

2. OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING
The problem here is that we get caught up in our own thoughts, with little to no insight into the real feelings of others. Jealousy is often the driver of overthinking. “It has less to do with trusting the other person and more to do with insecurities and a low self-esteem in oneself. If you don’t believe you deserve acceptance, you’ll constantly be looking for reasons why you shouldn’t be accepted,” says Daniel. “The cure is a more integrated, acknowledged sense of self.” This can be tough for men, Daniel explains, since a large number of narratives talk about the difficulties with men, making it hard for them to voice their needs and desires. “Everyone needs acceptance, to be challenged and to be heard and understood.”

3. EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS
Slamming doors, bursting into tears of frustration or being easily offended are all signs of not being able to control your emotions. “It almost seems universal that we have an unhealthy relationship with our emotions,” says Daniel, “and I think that’s mainly because we don’t understand why we have emotions in the first place.” How can we get more in touch with our emotions? “Learn to identify what your emotion is trying to tell you. If you do this, outbursts won’t need to take place because you would’ve addressed any issues before they can even build up,” he says.

4. CONSTANTLY CRITICAL
Being too hard on yourself (or others) is exhausting, isn’t it? It can be easy to kick yourself when you’re down, but Daniel says to remember this: “We learn through our mistakes rather than through our accomplishments. If we see our self-worth as being about our achievements, then we’ll see failure or defeat as a bad thing, which breeds inadequacy.” His advice? Learn to love yourself and others through failures, and hold each other closer during difficult times. Make room for disappointment and show love despite it.

Text: Shani Tsai
Photographs: Gallo/Getty Images