HOW YOUR UPBRINGING AFFECTS YOUR WORK LIFE

The strict parents, the trauma-bonded siblings or that family where chaos rules... How we grew up affects our work lives more than we think

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Do you have a manager or boss who reminds you a little too much of your overly sensitive mother or hardball father? Or perhaps you see your team members or employees as fragile children or siblings you need to protect? Many people in leadership positions used the impact their childhoods had on them to propel their skills – whether turning their pain onto others, staying in a state of trauma or actively working to avoid drama for others.

“We view the world through the lens through which we live,” says Candice King, a Durban-based neuroscience and emotional intelligence coach. “Our biases are determined by our life experiences, traumas (big and small), our belief systems and values (and those of our family), and our assumptions and presumptions. This all impacts our thinking, feeling and how we show up in the work environment.”

Our childhood can sometimes emotionally blunt us, turning us into steely focused, driven individuals. Or it can create a leader or mentor who is more nurturing and encouraging.

THE THREE EGOS
There are three roles, or ego states, you can adopt in any interaction: parent, child or adult. These also appear in the workplace – think of employees who huddle together out of fear of a boss who is ‘controlling’, much like an authoritarian parent. Managers who adopt the role of adult generally lead from their heart, and the playing field will be level – no employee or co-worker feels threatened, intimidated or unsupported. To achieve this equity, self-development is crucial.

FIRST:
Understand the three roles

1. The parent state:
You might adopt the characteristics of your parents, whether controlling or nurturing. A ‘controlling’ manager might tend to put others down or be judgemental, micro-manage or be inflexible, whereas a ‘nurturing’ manager might be overprotective, choose to do tasks for you or hardly ever give constructive, clear feedback.

2. The child state:
Characteristics from being a child are replayed, such as not taking ownership or responsibility, throwing tantrums or other inappropriate behaviour. However, these types do tend to encourage innovation, creativity and curiosity.

3. The adult state:
The state we want to be. These are people who respond to situations appropriately, logically and rationally, using healthy problem-solving and decision-making skills, and being clear and authentic.

THEN:
Understand how these egos translate into leadership styles

(Parent) Autocratic:
Someone who goes at it alone and will do everything themselves. Candice says that this speaks to underlying elements of lacking trust, needing control, fearing vulnerability and struggling with empathy. “Perhaps this person never had anyone model better behaviour for them growing up, having had a childhood filled with uncertainty, emotionally unavailable parents or even abuse.”

(Child) Innovative:
Someone who leads through curiosity, experimentation and creativity. “They tend to create an environment where the team will embrace change so they can take risks to be more innovative.”

(Adult) Transformational:
Someone who encourages and creates vision and space for innovation. These leaders practise psychological safety, which comes from a space of nurtured parenting.

(Adult) Laissez-faire:
Someone who allows for autonomy in their team and the work they do, which instils a sense of trust through support and nurturing.

Research suggests that no single leadership style fits all and depends on the team. For example, a relatively inexperienced team could benefit from a more direct leadership approach. Those who grew up in a lower socio-economic state are more likely to feel empowered by their leaders.

“When we are brave enough to embrace our own vulnerability as a leader, we can then meet our team where they are, with the right guidance and support that is needed,” says Candice. The key is to set the boundary in your personal life, so that it does not become blurred among your work responsibilities.

“Understanding what you are allowing in your personal life may give you a deeper insight into what is happening in your work environment,” she says. “If we are not addressing our hurt, pain, trauma or family conflict-resolution style, it will impact our overall well-being, relationships, effectiveness and success in life.”

In other words: Do the work and see the change.

Words by: Saadiqah Schroeder
Photo: Gallo/Getty Images