DATING: TAKING THE NEXT STEP

So, you’ve been enjoying a new match and you think it’s time to move things forward... Here’s what you should keep in mind before you do

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From the first date to moving in together, getting married and having children, a healthy relationship is built up over time, through shared experiences and a series of important conversations. If you’ve already taken a big step in your relationship, congratulations are in order... But what if you don’t know how to express your desire to take your relationship further – or, worse, what if you do know but fear that it might ruin everything?

“Honesty really is the best policy,” advises Imago relationship therapist and author Paula Quinsee. Imago therapy sees conflict as an opportunity to deepen understanding and create healing, rather than an obstacle.

“Rather than finding yourself in a situation that’s one-sided or will end in heartbreak, asking for clarity will help you make the right decisions for where you’re at in your life. If you scare your partner off, they were never the one for you in the first place – and hanging on to a person who is not ready to be with you is doing yourself an injustice. You deserve someone who is going to invest as much time, effort and energy into the relationship as you are.”

While each stage of ‘levelling up’ will come with its own unique challenges, there are five steps you should always take when having any important conversation with your partner (or potential partner).

Step 1: Have the conversation in person – face to face, not over the phone or
via text.

Step 2: Choose a time when you’re both available, and in a quiet, comfortable, informal location that’s free from pesky distractions and interruptions.

Step 3: Try to choose a moment when you’re both calm and in a good mood. Broaching a conversation about commitment when either of you is feeling tense, irritable, resentful or hurt is asking for trouble.

Step 4: Don’t make demands or accusatory assumptions (such as “Don’t you want to commit to me?”), which could cause the other person to become reactive and defensive.

Step 5: Be brave, be honest and be vulnerable. If the relationship does level up after this conversation, any dishonesty or failure to disclose something that’s important to you will undermine it.

Once the time is right, it’s a matter of tailoring the conversation to suit the stage your relationship is in – or, more importantly, the stage you would like it to enter. From making it official to putting a ring on it, Paula provides further guidelines.

STAGE 1:
Becoming exclusive

These days, monogamy is no longer a given in new relationships, so taking your connection from ‘swiping right’ to seeing each other exclusively requires tact and precision.

According to Paula, you know you’re ready to level up when you’ve been dating for a while, enjoy spending time together, are aligned on wanting similar things and can see a possible future with this person. But until you ask, you won’t know if you’re on the same page. “Being exclusive can mean different things to different people, so it’s key to understand what this means for each other,” says Paula. “It can be as simple as agreeing not to see other people on a romantic or sexual basis while you are dating, or not being physically intimate with anyone else.”

She suggests the following phrasing to help start the conversation: “I like that we’re having a lot of fun together. I guess I want to know if we are on the same page about what we’re saying no to, while we’re saying yes to this. For example, are we saying no to dating or sleeping with other people, are we exclusive and what does that mean to you, exactly?”

STAGE 2:
Making moves

This next step is a big one. While the idea may be exciting, moving in together also requires some decidedly unromantic conversations around domestic responsibilities and money.

First, find out if it’s what your partner wants. Test the waters by cracking a joke, such as, “So much of my stuff is at your place, I might as well move in!” and watch their reaction. Also ask about their future plans, and you may find that you feature in them. This is a good sign that a suggestion to move in together will be well received.

When you do raise the topic, list all the reasons you think it would be a good idea, and don’t push for an answer right away. Give your partner time to think about it. If you both agree to move in together, Paula recommends setting ground rules to help reduce the potential for conflict.

“There should be transparency on who is earning what and how that can be used as a guide to share household expenses. For example, you can’t expect your partner to pay for half of everything when they earn less than you; it should be split proportionately.”

Paula advises couples to plan ahead. “Agree on a household budget from the outset so that each person knows what the monthly financial responsibilities are and allocate who pays for what. Make sure you are each aware if the other has any debt and agree that any decisions regarding large purchases will be made together.”

The same goes for household chores: getting crystal clarity on who is responsible for what (laundry/dishes/ grocery shopping/cleaning and so on) is a must.

STAGE 3:
Proposing forever

While a surprise marriage proposal may be exciting and super romantic, it’s a good idea to have had one or (better yet) a series of conversations about marriage before anyone pops the question – and certainly before saying “Yes!”

If you’ve already been living together, chances are you know some of the Big Life Things, such as: what are your career and financial goals? Do you want kids? Where do you see yourself living in the next five, 10 or 15 years? Do you want to own property? Do you want to travel?

If you’ve discussed these things, then chances are high that the subject of marriage has also already come up – which makes it easier to talk about when you want to have a conversation about taking this next step.

If it hasn’t come up but you think that it’s time, acknowledge that it makes you feel vulnerable (if it does) and be honest: “I’ve been thinking about our relationship and what the future holds for us. I want to hear your thoughts about it and where you’re at.”

Don’t try to get a commitment from your partner during that first conversation; they might be taken by surprise and need some time to think things through. However, if they become quiet and negative and don’t wish to discuss the topic at all, it might be a sign that marriage is not a priority to them (although you may still need a series of conversations to know if this is definitely the case).

Deepening your relationship takes courage and willingness to see things from your partner’s point of view. It’s a recipe for growth that begins when you decide that what you have found with each other is worth lowering your defenses for, worth investing in, worth showing up authentically for, and worth every difficult conversation to strengthen. Whichever stage you’re at, be gentle with yourself and your partner – no one perfects these important conversations without practise.

By Robyn Maclarty
Illustration & photo: Gallo/Getty Images