FRIENDSHIP ADVICE THAT YOU NEED TO HEAR

Is competition in friendships ever healthy?

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It’s easy for friendships to slip into competitive mode. But is rivalry in friendships a good thing? For Millennials and Gen Z, who thrive on ambition and self-improvement, the answer isn't a simple yes or no. Friendly competition can be a source of motivation, but when it crosses certain boundaries, competitiveness can harm the very relationships it's meant to strengthen.

THE UPSIDE
London-based therapist and chairperson for Imago Relationship Therapy UK, Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, notes: “A competitive friendship is not necessarily obvious or conscious, in a similar way to hidden competition between a couple... Competitiveness is rarely spoken about aloud because we tend to feel shame or a sense of guilt about it. We fear upsetting or losing the other person and often don’t know how to open up the conversation.

“However, close friendships will not only survive these conversations, they can actually become stronger if dealt with in an honest and respectful way.”

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When done right, competition can be a powerful motivator. It can push you to become your best self, help you achieve your goals faster, and deepen the bond you share... Here’s how:

Mutual growth
When both parties see it as a way to inspire each other, competition can lead to personal and professional growth. Whether it’s competing for better grades, getting fit or advancing in your careers, friendly rivalry can create a supportive environment where both people strive to improve.

Increased effort
If you see your friend achieving a goal, healthy feelings of competitiveness might inspire you to put in the extra effort towards your own goals.

Shared victories
Celebrating each other’s successes, even when you’re competing, can foster a sense of shared joy and collective achievement. It’s about recognising that your friend’s victory doesn’t diminish your own worth.

THE DOWNSIDE
However, competition in friendships can quickly turn sour when it stops being about mutual motivation and starts breeding jealousy, resentment or insecurity. Here are signs that competition is no longer healthy:

Constant comparison
If you find yourself comparing your achievements to your friend’s, or vice versa, it might indicate that the competition is becoming toxic. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and damage your self-esteem.

Power struggles
Healthy competition should never involve sabotaging or downplaying your efforts. If you notice subtle (or not-so subtle) attempts to undermine each other, it’s a red flag.

Withholding support
In a true friendship, you celebrate each other’s wins. If either of you start withholding praise or downplaying any successes, it’s a sign that the competition has taken a negative turn.

A TOXIC TURN
“If this is a relationship you value, but you are being made unhappy by these hidden competitions, then have an honest conversation about it,” says Dr Ben-Ari. “Don’t use blame language, but share your intentions, how you feel and how much you value the relationship and want to develop it. It’s likely that your friend is doing something they’re not even aware that’s creating tension for you.”

If you notice that your friendly competition is turning into something more toxic, it’s important to address it before it damages your relationship.

1. Talk openly
Start with a candid conversation. Let your friend know how you're feeling and ask if they've noticed any changes in the dynamic. Sometimes, just bringing the issue to light can help both of you reassess the relationship and adjust your behaviour.

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2. Reframe the competition
Shift the focus from ‘beating’ each other to ‘helping each other succeed’. You can still push each other to achieve your goals, but the emphasis should be on mutual support rather than outdoing each other.

3. Set boundaries
If competition in certain areas is causing tension, agree to set boundaries. For instance, you might decide to keep career aspirations or fitness goals separate, focusing on areas where competition feels less intense.

4. Celebrate differences
Remember that your paths are different. What works for your friend might not work for you, and that’s okay. Celebrate your unique strengths and try to support each other’s individual journey.

5. Focus on the friendship
Your friendship should come first, so if the competition is causing more harm than good, it might be time to let it go and focus instead on nurturing your connection outside of competitive contexts.

As a rule of thumb, to protect yourself, always remember that the most valuable friendships are those that lift you up, not those that tear you down.

By: Charlton Knight
Photo: Gallo/Getty Images, Freepik