HOW TO ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES

With the festive season approaching, now’s the time to set healthy boundaries for happier relationships with family and friends.

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The concept of ‘boundaries’ has become increasingly popular but it’s still one that many families are unable to agree on. Simone Arendse, a clinical psychologist in Cape Town, says that some parents see their adult children as an extension of themselves at times. This then results in disagreements when the adult children go on to live their life on their terms – choosing to do things differently to their parents.

So, how do families navigate this and become happier and healthier? Let’s talk about it...

DEFINING BOUNDARIES
Simone describes boundaries as intentional decisions that are made out of love in order to protect your peace and to build a better relationship with those you love. 

Simone says boundaries are NOT...

Building a wall. Be careful of isolating yourself and not letting anyone in – this is a defence mechanism.
Rigid in nature. Boundaries can be flexible – you can decide what you will accept in your life.
Ultimatums. These are extreme; be careful of being controlling.

BOUNDARIES ARE INTENTIONAL DECISIONS THAT ARE MADE OUT OF LOVE IN ORDER TO PROTECT YOUR PEACE AND TO BUILD A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE YOU LOVE

TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Boundaries can be complicated, and Simone says it’s worth noting that there are different types of boundaries, including:

Physical boundaries. This is about personal space and could include, for example, a preference to hug rather than kiss relatives.

Intellectual boundaries. These are about what you’re willing to discuss, and with whom. An example of this is choosing not to engage in talks about business with friends.

Material boundaries. This could include your terms around letting others use your possessions. Do you have a sister who borrows your clothes without asking? It’s okay to say no.

Time boundaries. These address expectations on replying to messages or attending events. If your mother calls you non-stop while you’re at work, you can ask her to wait until after 5pm to contact you.

Relational/emotional boundaries. These are about others oversharing or dumping information on you, and your capacity to listen. Don’t feel bad if you call your friends out for talking behind someone else’s back.

Content boundaries. What and how much news/information we consume fits into this category. You know that one cousin who’s constantly sharing memes? You can ask them to limit this or stop if it interferes with your day.

Heading into the festive season, where we’re exposed to everything in excess – activities, visitors, good and bad news – it’s important to know how much you’re willing to take in and when you need a break from certain things in order to stay happy.

Simone says that boundaries are important – and essential for good mental health. “A lack thereof could cause resentment, or result in connections that are not genuine. And chronic avoidance causes depression, anxiety and burnout as there is no release for your emotions.”

HOW TO ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES

Before we’re in the thick of the festive season, take some time to think about which types of boundaries are important to you. Then get to work on setting and sharing them with those you love. Simone provides a few tips on setting boundaries:

Identify the area(s). Self-awareness is key here – you need to know and understand what you struggle with, and who you struggle with.

Clearly communicate your boundary. Decide how to communicate safely and effectively (in person, voice note, email etc). Keep it simple and direct; don’t over-apologise. Time it properly.

Follow up with action. Your actions must match what you’re saying. If you say that you won’t allow your weight to be openly discussed and it still comes up at the family dinner, excuse yourself from the table.

Work on the after-effects. Know that there will be resistance and/or an adjustment period. Have compassion for yourself, and try not to internalise any backlash.

YOU’RE NOT A BAD PERSON OR UNKIND IF YOU SET BOUNDARIES. HOWEVER, IT IS IMPORTANT TO QUESTION YOUR MOTIVES

WHEN BOUNDARIES ARE CROSSED
It’s normal for others to push back when boundaries are set, especially because they’re something that not many families have been exposed to.

Even after you’ve communicated your boundaries, there may still be incidents when you feel your boundaries have been ignored. Instead of reacting to this immediately, take a moment to think about the situation and try to understand why the other person did or said what they did.

There will be some instances where someone slips up as they learn to understand and respect your boundaries – these can be forgiven and worked on between the two of you. However, some cases may seem a little less sincere and you may be wondering if the person is intentionally crossing your boundary.

Simone advises on how to know the difference, and how to deal with it:

Green violation: The actions or words were not intentional or were accidental; the person didn’t know or fully understand the boundary. You should react with ‘softer’ communication – a gentle reminder or explanation of your boundary.

Yellow violation: The person was aware of the boundary and still overstepped it. Here, you can use firmer communication to directly address them overstepping your boundary and attach a consequence. (For instance, if you’ve stated that you are not comfortable with physical affection and someone leans in for a hug, you can communicate it with your body language by taking a step back.)

Red violation: This is when your boundary is intentionally and repeatedly violated. You can set your limits firmly and address it using verbal and body language.

THE JOURNEY BEGINS

“You’re not a bad person or unkind if you set boundaries,” Simone reminds us. However, it is important to question your motives.

Ask yourself: “Why am I doing this?” Your answer should ideally be along the lines of feeling inner peace and cultivating better relationships that don’t offend you or make you feel bad about yourself.

And while you’re on a mission to have your boundaries acknowledged and respected by others, the same is true for you. Ask yourself: “Am I doing my best to recognise others’ boundaries and respect and validate their feelings?”

WHEN IN DOUBT, SAY THIS OUT LOUD...

I have the right to:

- change my mind.
- follow my own values and standards.
- not be responsible for the feelings of others.
- change and grow.
- have my wants and needs respected by others.


By: Shani Tsai
Photos: Gallo/Getty Images