HOW MOMS AND DAUGHTERS CAN IMPROVE THEIR BOND

Mother-daughter relationships can be complex. We unpack how moms and adult daughters can improve their special bond, especially when it’s strained by conflict or disconnection.

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You may be more like your mother than you think. American researchers found that the brain structure that regulates emotion is passed down from mother to daughter. And this similarity is much greater between moms and daughters than for mom-son, dad-son or dad-daughter pairs. Therefore, it’s been suggested that mothers and daughters may be hard-wired to feel a deeper connection, while also challenging and ‘triggering’ each other. 

However, DNA is only one aspect of this bond. Growing up, mothers (and mother figures) are instrumental in shaping a girl’s future self-esteem, mental health and interpersonal skills. Sadly, some relationships are irreconcilably broken, but most can improve if both individuals work together.

LEARN TO LET GO
Firstly, ditch the unrealistic expectations or shame you may feel. “Society bombards us with adverts and movies that show mothers and daughters as best friends, which can lead to shame and confusion for those struggling with the desire for closeness versus the reality of sharp edges,” says Psych Central. “Only you know the situations in your relationship. What you’ve felt is valid but try to focus on what’s to come instead of the past.” As empathy researcher Brené Brown says: “Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.”

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS
“A daughter might assume that her mother will care for the grandchildren, but the mother has dreams for her own life now that she has raised her children to adulthood and senses newfound freedom,” says Janice Williams, a certified mother-daughter coach who consults worldwide. “This mismatch in expectations creates tension. Neither feels heard or understood but criticised, judged and dismissed.” In her blog, Janice cautions against ‘mind-reading’ – assuming we know someone so well that we know their thoughts and feelings. Instead, ask them what they think so you can manage expectations.

UNDERSTAND TRIGGERS
Write down what triggers you in this relationship. For example, what did your mother/daughter say or do that caused you to react? This will help you understand and prepare for the next time it happens, says Janice. “If you feel that they make the same comment every time you meet, write a script for how you’d like to respond and memorise it.” Plan ahead. If you know it’s overwhelming to spend too much time with your mother/daughter, limit the time to one hour, or one morning.

LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT
“Listen – just listen,” says renowned therapist Esther Perel. “You don’t have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there’s another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality.” Actively listening can reveal hidden issues too, adds Janice. She says that by focusing on understanding your mother/daughter – rather than trying to fix problems – and showing genuine interest and withholding judgement, you can over thoughtful and relevant advice when it’s requested. Research has linked overbearing maternal criticism or advice with poor social skills, mental health and eating disorders in daughters.

BREAK THE GENERATIONAL CYCLE
Challenging mom-daughter dynamics often originate in an intergenerational cycle, explains Janice. “Just as an adult daughter may find herself tirelessly working to please her difficult mother, that mother likely endured similar efforts to satisfy her own demanding mother.” Are you repeating your mother’s silent sacrifices and people-pleasing behaviours? “Learn about your history, gather information about your mother and grandmother,” says Janice. “Understanding this generational pattern is crucial to breaking free from it.”

SET BOUNDARIES
“If your mother gives her opinion on things you do, you might want to set a boundary on the advice you want from her,” says Janice. Be specific. “You could ask that she doesn’t tell you how to discipline your kids or cook a certain meal unless you ask for help.” Also practise saying no in small ways, to gradually say no to bigger things in future. Staying firm but respectful should help your relationship evolve.

INTERESTING NUMBERS

• 80–90% of midlife-age women report a good relationship with their mom, but wish it were better. 
• 60% of adult daughters (but only 45% of sons) find their mother more influential than their father. 
• 65% of daughters report less conflict with their mothers after age 30. 
• 60% of daughters list their mother as the primary support figure during major life changes. 
• 44% of South Africa’s children are being raised by single mothers. 

– Stats SA

By: Silke Colquhoun
Text courtesy of Jet magazine

Photography:  Gallo/Getty Images