The strict parents, the trauma-bonded siblings, the one that makes an issue out of everything... Our family lives and upbringing affect our work lives more than we think
Do you have a manager or boss who reminds you a little too much of an overly sensitive mother or hardball father? Perhaps you, as the one in charge, see your employees or team members as fragile children or siblings you need to protect?
According to research, many people in leadership positions have used the impact their childhood had on them to propel their skills - but it also might cause them to project their issues onto others, stay in their state of trauma, or actively work to avoid pain for others.
"We view the world through the lens through which we live," says Candice King, a Durban-based neuroscience and emotional intelligence coach. "Our biases are determined by our life experiences, traumas big and small, our belief systems and values and those of our family, and our assumptions and presumptions. This all impacts our thinking, how we feel and how we show up in the work environment."
Your childhood can turn you into a tough adult who is somewhat ruthless and driven. Or it can create someone who is nurturing and encouraging. While role could you be playing in your career?
THE THREE EGOS
There are three roles, or ego states, you can adopt in any relationship: parent, child or adult. These roles also appear in the workplace - think of teams where employees huddle together out of fear of a manager who is 'controlling', much like an overly strict parent.
However, people who lead from their heart will generally fill that role as adults, Candice explains, and for them, the playing field is equal - no employee or co-worker feels threatened, intimidated or unsupported. To achieve this equity, self-development is crucial.
STEP ONE: UNDERSTAND THE THREE ROLES
1. The parent state:
You might adopt the traits of your parents. Some unhelpful aspects of a controlling individual might be to put others down or to micro-manage, whereas a nurturing manager could be overprotective or hardly ever give clear feedback.
2. The child state:
Characteristics from being a child are replayed, such as throwing tantrums, not taking ownership or responsibility, or inappropriate behaviour. But these people can also encourage innovation, creativity and curiosity.
3. The adult state:
This is the state we ideally want to be in. These individuals respond to situations appropriately, logically and rationally, using healthy problem-solving and decision-making skills, and being clear and authentic.
STEP TWO: UNDERSTANDING HOW THESE EGOS TRANSLATE INTO LEADERSHIP STYLES
"We need to embrace varying leadership styles in different situations with different people," says Candice. "When we are brave enough to embrace our own vulnerability as a leader, we can then meet our team where they are at with the right guidance and support that is needed."
The key, she says, is to set the boundary in your personal life, so that it doesn't become blurred with your work responsibilities. "Understanding what you are allowing in your personal life may give you a deeper insight into what is happening in your work environment," she says.
"If we are not addressing our hurt, pain or family conflict resolution styles, it will impact our overall well-being, relationships, effectiveness and success in life. Life is about change and embracing all it has to offer." In other words: Do the work, see the change.
5 STEPS TO SET BOUNDARIES AT WORK
- Reflect on the boundary and take ownership of your part. It's not a blame game. Journal on the situations that have made you feel the way you do to gain some insight.
- Spend time working with your emotions, thoughts and behaviour around this issue. How do you usually respond? How would you like to respond?
- Avoid blaming or getting defensive. Get straight to the point. Write out what you want to say for clarity and keep the conversation only a few minutes long.
- Picking the right time is important. Reach out to the other person and ask if you could chat with them when they have some time. Having adult ego state to adult ego state conversations is how you will work through this more easily.
- Share how you feel, how you would like things to look differently, and the consequence of continuing a certain behaviour.
By: Saadiqah Schroeder
Photography by: Shutterstock, Freepik
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
1. The parent state:
You might adopt the traits of your parents. Some unhelpful aspects of a controlling individual might be to put others down or to micro-manage, whereas a nurturing manager could be overprotective or hardly ever give clear feedback.
2. The child state:
Characteristics from being a child are replayed, such as throwing tantrums, not taking ownership or responsibility, or inappropriate behaviour. But these people can also encourage innovation, creativity and curiosity.
3. The adult state:
This is the state we ideally want to be in. These individuals respond to situations appropriately, logically and rationally, using healthy problem-solving and decision-making skills, and being clear and authentic.
STEP TWO: UNDERSTANDING HOW THESE EGOS TRANSLATE INTO LEADERSHIP STYLES
- (Parent) Autocratic: Someone who goes at it alone and will do everything themselves. Candice says that this speaks to underlying elements of mistrust, needing control, fearing vulnerability and struggling with empathy. "Perhaps this person never had anyone model better behaviour for them. They might have had emotionally unavailable parents, and a childhood filled with uncertainty or even abuse."
- (Child) Innovative: Someone who approaches their role with curiosity, experimentation and creativity. "These leaders will create an environment where the team embraces change and feel they can take risks to be more innovative."
- (Adult) Transformational: Someone who encourages and creates vision and space for innovation. These leaders practice psychological safety, which comes from a space of nurtured parenting.
- (Adult) Laissez-faire: Someone who allows for autonomy in their team and the work they do, which helps to instil a sense of trust through support and nurturing.
"We need to embrace varying leadership styles in different situations with different people," says Candice. "When we are brave enough to embrace our own vulnerability as a leader, we can then meet our team where they are at with the right guidance and support that is needed."
The key, she says, is to set the boundary in your personal life, so that it doesn't become blurred with your work responsibilities. "Understanding what you are allowing in your personal life may give you a deeper insight into what is happening in your work environment," she says.
"If we are not addressing our hurt, pain or family conflict resolution styles, it will impact our overall well-being, relationships, effectiveness and success in life. Life is about change and embracing all it has to offer." In other words: Do the work, see the change.
5 STEPS TO SET BOUNDARIES AT WORK
- Reflect on the boundary and take ownership of your part. It's not a blame game. Journal on the situations that have made you feel the way you do to gain some insight.
- Spend time working with your emotions, thoughts and behaviour around this issue. How do you usually respond? How would you like to respond?
- Avoid blaming or getting defensive. Get straight to the point. Write out what you want to say for clarity and keep the conversation only a few minutes long.
- Picking the right time is important. Reach out to the other person and ask if you could chat with them when they have some time. Having adult ego state to adult ego state conversations is how you will work through this more easily.
- Share how you feel, how you would like things to look differently, and the consequence of continuing a certain behaviour.
By: Saadiqah Schroeder
Photography by: Shutterstock, Freepik
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
HOW YOUR UPBRINGING CAN AFFECT OUR WORK LIVES
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
April 25, 2025
Rating:
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
April 25, 2025
Rating:
