Having a baby has an impact on all your relationships, but particularly the one with your own mother. Setting boundaries means you can benefit from her advice that really is worth hearing
No matter how well you prepare for motherhood, the impact it has on your relationship with your mother will always come as a surprise. Psychotherapist Rosjke Hasseldine, author of The Mother-Daughter Puzzle, believes having a child fundamentally shifts your relationship.
"It's up there with getting married. When a woman becomes a mom, she spends a lot of time analysing her own mother and the mothering she received growing up," says Rosjke. "That process starts the moment a woman gets pregnant. And any flaws in their relationship come to the fore."
She may also soon discover how much - or in some cases, how little - care is given by her family. "This is a time in a daughter's life when she needs a lot of support and nurturing herself," Rosjke explains. "If that's simply not how her mother operates, it can become quite a problem. It can leave a new mom feeling unsupported, let down and angry with her mother."
This tends to be compounded by generational differences. "Mothers today want to be women in their own right, whereas their moms may have been part of a generation defined by motherhood," she points out. "I hear many daughters, who may want to go back to work quite soon, reeling against being defined by this new part of their identity. This can cause mothers and daughters to clash over what it means to be a good mother."
But it is possible to make the most of this inevitable change and use it to gain a deeper understanding and a better relationship with your mom, Rosjke adds.
REDEFINE YOUR ROLES
The first task is to acknowledge that you both have new roles, which may mean a readjustment in the way you relate to each other.
It's often the case that the mother tries to reassert her role as the dominant and wiser person in the relationship. "It's important to establish that you are now both adults," explains Rosjke. "The mother needs to let her daughter make her own choices. Swooping in with constant advice and treating her daughter like a child won't improve things. It disempowers the daughter.
"If this is happening to you, sit your mom down and explain that this is your baby, and you need to find your own way as a mother."
WRITE A LIST
Looking at this new situation from both perspectives is a valuable. "Write two lists," suggests Rosjke. "One from your mother's point of view of what this situation is like for her and what her needs are. The other should be from your viewpoint. It will give you an understanding of why she might be behaving the way she is."
Use this understanding when you communicate with your mom and take her needs into account. You can also use your new awareness of her needs to appeal to her better instincts. For example, you might say, "I know you want to help me because you didn't have much help when I was a child."
TALK AND LISTEN
Make a conscious effort to listen to how the two of you communicate. "Avoid using language such as 'you did this' and 'you didn't help me with that', which can come across as accusatory," advises Rosjke. "Instead, use language that invites your mom to treat you as the new mother that you are, rather than her daughter. Explain that you are feeling a bit wobbly and unsure as a new mom and that you need her to respond in a reassuring way."
INVITE HER MEMORIES
A new grandmother often becomes jealous of her daughter, says Rosjke. "She will often think back to when she became a mother and perhaps see that you are getting far more support than she did. She may find it hard to handle that her daughter has a caring and helpful partner, for instance, and she may respond in a negative way, including withholding her own help and support."
To resolve this situation, the issues need to be voiced. "Ask your mother what it was like for her as a new mom," Rosjke advises. 'This will make her feel validated. Then make it clear that what she describes is her experience and not yours."
PUT YOURSELF FIRST
It's common for an adult daughter to feel responsible for her older mother, which can complicate the change in roles. "This has to stop," says Rosjke. "Daughters can often put their mom's needs before their own and their baby's. Set a good example to your child and put them first."
SET BOUNDARIES
A new grandchild can mean the constant presence of the proud new grandmother, whether you like it or not! If your mom wants to come around all the time, set boundaries early on, advises Rosjke. "Don't be afraid to tell her what you need. How open you are as a family will determine how easy that conversation is, but your needs and those of your baby are paramount."
SEEK NEUTRAL HELP
If you're finding it difficult to say what needs to be said, or find your mother unreceptive, then it's a good idea to enlist help. "A third person in the conversation reduces tension," says Rosjke. "If you can't get to a counsellor or therapist, then ask a friend or your partner to be that neutral person, so you and your mother can both say how you're feeling towards each other."
TAKE A BREATHER
If your relationship with your mother is making you unhappy, consider stepping away from it for a short while. "Society has an expectation that mothers and daughters should weather out a difficult situation," says Rosjke. "But quite often that can be detrimental and disempowering, especially if you have a daughter yourself. Communicate a new set of rules about how you would like the relationship to be."
This pause, and a bit of distance, can help you both gain perspective and chart a new path.
By: Louisa Pritchard / Aremediasyndication.com.au / magazinefeatures.co.za.
Photography by: Gallo/Getty Images
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
She may also soon discover how much - or in some cases, how little - care is given by her family. "This is a time in a daughter's life when she needs a lot of support and nurturing herself," Rosjke explains. "If that's simply not how her mother operates, it can become quite a problem. It can leave a new mom feeling unsupported, let down and angry with her mother."
This tends to be compounded by generational differences. "Mothers today want to be women in their own right, whereas their moms may have been part of a generation defined by motherhood," she points out. "I hear many daughters, who may want to go back to work quite soon, reeling against being defined by this new part of their identity. This can cause mothers and daughters to clash over what it means to be a good mother."
But it is possible to make the most of this inevitable change and use it to gain a deeper understanding and a better relationship with your mom, Rosjke adds.
REDEFINE YOUR ROLES
The first task is to acknowledge that you both have new roles, which may mean a readjustment in the way you relate to each other.
It's often the case that the mother tries to reassert her role as the dominant and wiser person in the relationship. "It's important to establish that you are now both adults," explains Rosjke. "The mother needs to let her daughter make her own choices. Swooping in with constant advice and treating her daughter like a child won't improve things. It disempowers the daughter.
"If this is happening to you, sit your mom down and explain that this is your baby, and you need to find your own way as a mother."
WRITE A LIST
Looking at this new situation from both perspectives is a valuable. "Write two lists," suggests Rosjke. "One from your mother's point of view of what this situation is like for her and what her needs are. The other should be from your viewpoint. It will give you an understanding of why she might be behaving the way she is."
Use this understanding when you communicate with your mom and take her needs into account. You can also use your new awareness of her needs to appeal to her better instincts. For example, you might say, "I know you want to help me because you didn't have much help when I was a child."
TALK AND LISTEN
Make a conscious effort to listen to how the two of you communicate. "Avoid using language such as 'you did this' and 'you didn't help me with that', which can come across as accusatory," advises Rosjke. "Instead, use language that invites your mom to treat you as the new mother that you are, rather than her daughter. Explain that you are feeling a bit wobbly and unsure as a new mom and that you need her to respond in a reassuring way."
INVITE HER MEMORIES
A new grandmother often becomes jealous of her daughter, says Rosjke. "She will often think back to when she became a mother and perhaps see that you are getting far more support than she did. She may find it hard to handle that her daughter has a caring and helpful partner, for instance, and she may respond in a negative way, including withholding her own help and support."
To resolve this situation, the issues need to be voiced. "Ask your mother what it was like for her as a new mom," Rosjke advises. 'This will make her feel validated. Then make it clear that what she describes is her experience and not yours."
PUT YOURSELF FIRST
It's common for an adult daughter to feel responsible for her older mother, which can complicate the change in roles. "This has to stop," says Rosjke. "Daughters can often put their mom's needs before their own and their baby's. Set a good example to your child and put them first."
SET BOUNDARIES
A new grandchild can mean the constant presence of the proud new grandmother, whether you like it or not! If your mom wants to come around all the time, set boundaries early on, advises Rosjke. "Don't be afraid to tell her what you need. How open you are as a family will determine how easy that conversation is, but your needs and those of your baby are paramount."
SEEK NEUTRAL HELP
If you're finding it difficult to say what needs to be said, or find your mother unreceptive, then it's a good idea to enlist help. "A third person in the conversation reduces tension," says Rosjke. "If you can't get to a counsellor or therapist, then ask a friend or your partner to be that neutral person, so you and your mother can both say how you're feeling towards each other."
TAKE A BREATHER
If your relationship with your mother is making you unhappy, consider stepping away from it for a short while. "Society has an expectation that mothers and daughters should weather out a difficult situation," says Rosjke. "But quite often that can be detrimental and disempowering, especially if you have a daughter yourself. Communicate a new set of rules about how you would like the relationship to be."
This pause, and a bit of distance, can help you both gain perspective and chart a new path.
By: Louisa Pritchard / Aremediasyndication.com.au / magazinefeatures.co.za.
Photography by: Gallo/Getty Images
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR MOM WHEN YOU BECOME A MOM
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
May 09, 2025
Rating:
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
May 09, 2025
Rating:
