It's often difficult sharing our lifestyle and personal preferences with our elders and other relatives, especially when it's so different to what we've grown up with.
My husband co-owns a laundry business and so, as a working woman who does not love spending hours glued to an ironing board, we outsource the task to his team. This, according to some of the aunties, is just not right. It is my duty as the wife to make sure my husband is clothed and fed (properly, from pots that have been on the stove all day), even though he's the one who suggested lightening our load to spend more time together as a family.
The judgement does not end there. If we're caught with reusable shopping bags (that cost a small fortune) from the grocery store known for its black and white logo, we are committing a budget-busting sin, despite their promotions often being more affordable than those from the stores branded in shades of blue.
It's often difficult sharing our lifestyle and personal preferences with our elders and other relatives, especially when it's so different to what we've grown up with. But is there room for modern and traditional choices to co-exist in a family unit?
TRYING TO UNDERSTAND FAMILY DYNAMICS
When diving into why families function the way they do, various theories exist. The attachment theory says that the bond formed between a young child and their caregivers sets the tone for how they interact in future relationships and also influences their emotional well-being.
The family systems theory acknowledges that individual behaviours within a family unit exist and tries to understand how each member's emotions and behaviour influences the family unit as a whole, as well as its individual members.
It's clear that individuals all have a space within a family unit, and there are factors that could affect how the family functions, including how they communicate, make decisions, respect boundaries and regulate emotions, for instance.
MAINTAIN RESPECT FOR TRADITIONS...
...and for your elders. Even if you don't agree with how they do certain things, accept that it's their choice and respect their reasons for doing so.
While certain actions might not make sense in today's world, they would've worked well before the advances in technology and the interconnectedness we experience today.
Showing interest in their traditions and the way they prefer to do things may go a long way in forming a stronger bond between you and your elders, so ask questions – and genuinely listen to their response so you can understand their thinking and outlook on life.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE VALUE OF BOTH
Talking of respect, the same goes for the modern ways of doing things. If parents and grandparents truly try to understand what it's like growing up in today's society, they might even change their views. If they were exposed to the same amount of WhatsApp messages from schools and colleagues as we are today, or if they had to work two jobs to make ends meet, maybe they would've outsourced the ironing, too, or ordered takeaway pizzas instead of cooking a big pot of stew!
We can all admit that there are benefits to traditions, and we can all see the benefits of more modern choices. It's totally possible – and okay – for the two to co-exist. When it comes to family, what's more important than how we choose to do things is that we are happy and feel heard, seen and supported, however we choose to live.
Navigating family differences can be tricky because of its complexity – there are so many personal feelings and views and external factors to consider. However, it's important for us to respect that our family members might see certain things differently to how we do, even when we grew up in the same household.
If you're unsure of how to navigate these differences, speak to a therapist or counsellor who can help your family with useful communication tools in order to reach a healthy space.
By: Shani Tsai
Photography by: Pexels
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
When diving into why families function the way they do, various theories exist. The attachment theory says that the bond formed between a young child and their caregivers sets the tone for how they interact in future relationships and also influences their emotional well-being.
The family systems theory acknowledges that individual behaviours within a family unit exist and tries to understand how each member's emotions and behaviour influences the family unit as a whole, as well as its individual members.
It's clear that individuals all have a space within a family unit, and there are factors that could affect how the family functions, including how they communicate, make decisions, respect boundaries and regulate emotions, for instance.
As children grow up and form their own lives outside of their family unit (often with their own new family unit), coming together again may feel a little different for them and for other family members. So, how do you navigate this change when you're at family events and are expected to fall into traditional roles?
Do you conform to these expectations, or is it okay to do things your way? Use these points as guidelines.
COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS
It's okay to see things differently and to live your life for you. It is, however, important to keep the lines of communication open and to create a space for conversations to take place. If your elders are asking endless questions about why you've strayed from certain traditions, take the time to explain your thinking (and feelings) to them.
For example, if you work eight hours a day and come home to cooking, tidying up and caring for the kids, you should feel confident in your decision to outsource the laundry - explain that your work, professional and personal, takes up time and energy and that you need to factor in time for rest, too.
COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS
It's okay to see things differently and to live your life for you. It is, however, important to keep the lines of communication open and to create a space for conversations to take place. If your elders are asking endless questions about why you've strayed from certain traditions, take the time to explain your thinking (and feelings) to them.
For example, if you work eight hours a day and come home to cooking, tidying up and caring for the kids, you should feel confident in your decision to outsource the laundry - explain that your work, professional and personal, takes up time and energy and that you need to factor in time for rest, too.
MAINTAIN RESPECT FOR TRADITIONS...
...and for your elders. Even if you don't agree with how they do certain things, accept that it's their choice and respect their reasons for doing so.
While certain actions might not make sense in today's world, they would've worked well before the advances in technology and the interconnectedness we experience today.
Showing interest in their traditions and the way they prefer to do things may go a long way in forming a stronger bond between you and your elders, so ask questions – and genuinely listen to their response so you can understand their thinking and outlook on life.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE VALUE OF BOTH
Talking of respect, the same goes for the modern ways of doing things. If parents and grandparents truly try to understand what it's like growing up in today's society, they might even change their views. If they were exposed to the same amount of WhatsApp messages from schools and colleagues as we are today, or if they had to work two jobs to make ends meet, maybe they would've outsourced the ironing, too, or ordered takeaway pizzas instead of cooking a big pot of stew!
We can all admit that there are benefits to traditions, and we can all see the benefits of more modern choices. It's totally possible – and okay – for the two to co-exist. When it comes to family, what's more important than how we choose to do things is that we are happy and feel heard, seen and supported, however we choose to live.
Navigating family differences can be tricky because of its complexity – there are so many personal feelings and views and external factors to consider. However, it's important for us to respect that our family members might see certain things differently to how we do, even when we grew up in the same household.
If you're unsure of how to navigate these differences, speak to a therapist or counsellor who can help your family with useful communication tools in order to reach a healthy space.
By: Shani Tsai
Photography by: Pexels
Text courtesy of Jet magazine
IS THERE ROOM FOR TRADITIONAL ROLES IN A MODERN RELATIONSHIP?
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
May 22, 2025
Rating:
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
May 22, 2025
Rating:
