HOW TO PLAY NICE WITHOUT BEING A PUSHOVER

There’s a fine line between going aggressively after what you want in life and ‘playing nice’ with others to achieve your goals. So how do you tread the line and get what you want without being unpopular?______________________________________________________

Being ruthless pays. We see it all the time, whether it’s a Survivor contestant stabbing a long time ally in the back or Randall Abrahams cutting a hopeful wannabe down to size with a few stinging remarks. Criticism and cynicism are seen as signs of power and intelligence; kindness is seen as weakness. As women, we’re taught that if we want to get ahead, we need to be aggressive. Kindness doesn’t get you the corner office, right?

Wrong! Research actually shows that in the workplace, women who are seen as domineering and ruthless are less likely to get what they want. A recent study of more than 990 people revealed that women who asked for more money during salary negotiations were perceived as ‘less nice’, and that both male and female participants were more likely to penalise them.

‘The data shows that men are able to negotiate for themselves without facing any negative consequences, but when women negotiate, people often like them less and want to work with them less,’ Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told The New York Times. It’s not fair, but understanding this dynamic is key to overcoming it. Sheryl’s advice? Ask – but ask nicely…In other words demand, but with a smile. Whether you are asking for a pay rise or arguing about whose turn it is to wash the dishes, the key, says Professor Linda C Babcock, author of Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide, is to be assertive, but to remain ‘relentlessly pleasant’.

NOT A PUSHOVER

Just to be clear – we’re advocating being nice. Not being a pushover. Consider the following scenarios:

·       You go out for dinner and ask for your steak to be done medium rare. When it arrives, it’s charred and overcooked. When the waiter asks, ‘How is everything?’ you mumble, ‘Fine, thank you.’

·       An employee hands in a report, but he’s left off vital points. Instead of speaking to him about it and asking him to fix it, you complain to colleagues about his sloppiness and fill in the blanks yourself.

·      You were up all night listening to your neighbour’s dogs barking again. Instead of going over and talking to him, you complain about it on Facebook. 

       A friend hands you a large helping of dessert even though you told her you didn’t want any. You don’t want to hurt her feelings, so you eat it.

Do any of these sound familiar? Bottling up resentment and ‘suffering in silence’ is often seen as the ‘nice’ thing to do, but actually, you’re not doing yourself any favours. What you are doing is sabotaging your own relationships, and sometimes even reinforcing aggressive behaviour in others.

The key to effective communication is finding a happy medium and hitting the sweet spot between aggression and avoidance.  ‘Assertiveness is all about being present in a relationship,’ says Randy Paterson, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships. It enables you to express your wants and needs and take into account the wants and needs of others.

Paterson explains: ‘In the passive style, all the world is allowed on stage but for you – your role is to be the audience and supporter of everyone else. In the aggressive style, you’re allowed on stage, but you spend most of your time shoving the others off, as though you’re in a lifelong sumo match.’

Quote: ‘With the assertive style, everyone is welcome on stage. You are entitled to be a full person, including your uniqueness, and so are others.’

7 TIPS ON HOW TO START BEING ASSERTIVE

1. BABY STEPS

Practise being assertive in low-risk situations: when your waiter brings an Appletizer instead of the Grapetizer you asked for, politely let them know they’ve made a mistake and ask them to exchange it. Once you feel comfortable speaking up, tackle bigger issues. The trick is to stay polite and not get heated.

2. CHOOSE THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE

Approach the person and set up a time and place to air your grievances. That way you have time to organise your thoughts.

3. OWN YOUR FEELINGS

If you’re making a request or voicing disapproval, use the word ‘I’ and state how you feel. Describe the behaviour, don’t label the person. Instead of saying ‘You’re so nasty to me – you belittle me in front of your friends’, say ‘I feel self-conscious when you point out my mistakes in front of other people.’

4. BE CLEAR AND DIRECT

There is no need for long, drawn-out explanations. Just describe the problem as you see it. Don’t say things like ‘You never listen’. Be specific about times and actions, and focus on the behaviour, not your perception of their underlying motives.

5. DON’T APOLOGISE

You don’t have to come up with elaborate excuses or explain every decision you make.

6. PROJECT CONFIDENCE

Stand up straight, make eye contact and speak clearly.

7. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

In some situations, it doesn’t pay to be assertive. Dr Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons, authors of Your Perfect Right, suggest you ask yourself these questions first:

·       How much does it matter to you?

·       Are you looking for a specific outcome, or just to express yourself?

·       Are you looking for a positive outcome? Might asserting yourself make things worse?

·       Will you kick yourself if you don’t take action?

·       What are the probable consequences and realistic risks from your possible assertion?

THE BENEFITS

Besides not having to babysit your sister’s kids every single weekend, you’ll soon find that being assertive has quite a few other benefits.

·       Your relationships will improve. Relationship experts have found that assertiveness is a key attribute in a healthy relationship. If one partner feels their needs aren’t being met, resentment starts to build.

·       You won’t feel as stressed. Being assertive means saying ‘no’ to requests that would spread you too thin.

·       No longer worrying about what others think of your choices, requests and opinions will make you feel more in control of your life.

·       You’ll feel more confident. Knowing that your attitude and actions are governed by your decisions, rather than the decisions of others, will give you a greater sense of control.

·       You’ll feel less resentful. You won’t feel obliged to do things you don’t want to do. If you do say yes it will be by choice, as part of the give and take of relationships, not because you don’t know how to say no.

Quote: ‘Whether you are asking for a pay rise or arguing about whose turn it is to wash the dishes, the key is to be assertive, but to remain ‘relentlessly pleasant.’

IT’S COOL TO BE KIND

Did you know that there is a World Kindness Movement? Google it. Even online, in a world of cyber-bullying and nasty anonymous comments, kindness is making a big comeback. People offer advice and support in forums, write blogs and reviews without compensation and even help fund projects for no reason other than helping someone else realise a dream.

Practising kindness has some serious benefits, says Dr David Hamilton, PhD. In his book, Why Kindness is Good for You, he cites these ‘side-effects’:

·       It makes you happier. The warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you’ve helped someone is due to elevated levels of endogenous opioids, which David calls ‘the brain’s natural versions of morphine and heroin’. This causes elevated levels of dopamine in the brain, resulting in a natural high sometimes referred to as Helper’s High.

·       It makes you healthier. Emotional warmth produces oxytocin in the brain and throughout the body. This hormone reduces blood pressure, thus protecting the heart. Studies also show that compassionate people have a more active vagus nerve. The longest nerve in the human body, it controls inflammation and helps keep your cardiovascular system healthy.

·       It slows ageing. Oxytocin also reduces levels of free radicals and inflammation in the cardiovascular system – two factors that play a major role in speeding up the ageing process.

·       It is contagious. Paying it forward works. If you want to make the world a kinder, better place, contact one of the organisations in our Directory