WHAT IS PARALLEL PARENTING AND HOW DOES IT WORK

Sometimes, when parents separate or divorce they simply cannot get along together no matter how hard they try. This is when parallel parenting could be the solution. So what’s it all about?

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Parenting is the most rewarding job in the world but it’s not always easy, and it can be a lot more difficult after a divorce. If divorced parents can’t get along under any circumstances and end up fighting whenever they are together, it is sometimes better for the children that they stay away from one another as much as possible. Children are upset by their parents arguing, especially after a divorce when they are likely to be feeling more insecure than usual.

PARALLEL PARENTING VS CO-PARENTING
‘Co-parenting is about two parents who are able to communicate and solve problems together and they do that in the best interests of the child,’ says Nontobeko Magwaza, a social worker with FAMSA National. ‘Most things involving the child are done together, such as attending school meetings, doctors’ appointments, birthdays and other important events. Parallel parenting is different in that the parents are unable to communicate or interact.’

Parents who practice parallel parenting communicate in a business-like, impersonal manner, usually via email or text messages. They agree on major elements in the child’s life such as education, religion or medical issues, but day-to-day parenting duties are decided and enforced separately.

IS IT NECESSARY?
This style of parenting is not ideal, but constant conflict between parents causes stress, anxiety and even sometimes depression in their children. Parallel parenting is for children in high-conflict families; it means the children are spared from having to witness the constant hostility and tension between their parents.




ADVANTAGES OF PARALLEL PARENTING
Most importantly, the children are protected from exposure to constant ill feeling, arguments or even worse. This makes it easier for them to adjust to the divorce or separation. Parallel parenting doesn’t have to be permanent. It can be the stepping stone to co-parenting. Particularly if the parents are willing to go for counselling, they might find that things eventually simmer down to the point where co-parenting is possible one day.

The parents don’t interfere in one another’s parenting styles. Mom might allow the kids to stay up late, but in dad’s house it’s bed by eight! It’s a business arrangement, so they don’t get involved in one another’s lives. This means less tension between them, which benefits the child. Magwaza says when unnecessary tensions or arguments are avoided, problem solving is facilitated. Also very importantly, it puts the emphasis back onto the child.

Parallel parenting frees the parents from their power struggles with one another, allowing them to connect with their children and concentrate on nurturing and maintaining a strong bond with them.

DISADVANTAGES
Lack of consistency in home rules can cause the child to become confused about what they can and cannot do – or get away with… The child could start playing the parents off against one another, as they know there is little communication (for instance, ‘Mommy always lets me do x, y or z’). Moving between homes might be disruptive for the child. 

The child could also struggle with loyalty issues. Knowing their parents are not ‘friends’ can make it difficult for them to be open and honest with both, and they might even worry about who they would choose if they had to ‘pick a side’. It’s vital to reassure the child that both parents will always be there for them. The lack of communication between the parents can lead to misunderstandings that make it difficult to ‘fine-tune’ their dual parenting roles.


 JET CLUB HELPLINES
For free advice or support on any aspect of child care, Jet Club members can call personal health advisor

SA & Namibia
0800 00 45 45

Botswana, Lesotho & Swaziland
+2711 991 8258

DIRECTORY
For more information:

Families South Africa (FAMSA)
+2711 975 7106/7
national@famsa.org.za
famsa.org.za

The Child and Family Welfare Society
+2733 342 8971
pmbchildwelfare.co.za

Family Advocate’s Office
To find a branch near you:
+2712 323 0760
justice.gov.za