5 IMPORTANT THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

The change from dating to marriage can come with surprises if we aren’t prepared. We chat to two makotis about their experiences on the journey of love.

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When couples transition from dating or committed relationships to marriage, there are changes they have to adjust to, says Irene Motaung, a counsellor and divorce and family mediator at The Family Life Centre in Johannesburg. ‘It’s important for couples to

be aware of their expectations and to communicate them. Sometimes it’s challenging to do this, and that’s where a professional can assist.’



IN IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS
Puso Thulo and her husband Tebogo dated for two years before getting married. Puso recommends pre-marriage counselling. ‘I was very excited and was well received by my in-laws. But I come from a small family and joined a much bigger one, so it was a bit of a culture shock,’ she chuckles. ‘My biggest challenge was understanding that I’m not independent from Tebogo – we’re a team. In the beginning we had dumb fights that I now laugh about. But I talked to a friend who got married around the same time, and discovered we experienced similar challenges, so we encouraged each other. And the advice from those sessions with the counsellor is still relevant, 18 years later,’ she smiles. ‘If you are in it for the right reasons – companionship, love and shared values – then you’ll be able to make up after fiery arguments. Fights or challenges along the way are not the end, but part of the process,’ she adds.



ACCEPTANCE, NOT CHANGE
Lufuno Makhado dated for four and a half years before marrying her partner. ‘The transition during the first five years was difficult, because we were still figuring out our careers at that time,’ she says. ‘Our major challenge was to communicate without offending each other. We fought about everything – from finances and how we spent our time, to parenting values. I came from a single-parent household, and Joel was raised by both parents.’ Lufuno says the penny dropped when she realised that loving her husband didn’t mean changing him, but accepting him for who he was. ‘I made a conscious decision to dwell on the good in him rather than his faults.’ She adds that personal growth is vital, so you don’t lose yourself or feel left behind. ‘It’s also important to have girlfriends to chat to,’ she says. ‘Don’t expect your husband to play that role in your life.’

Related article: Love resolutions

FIVE STEPS TO SUCCESS
Motaung identifies five issues that need to be addressed, to prevent misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations from causing friction.

ROLE EXPECTATIONS 
Discuss your roles in the relationship and how you see them. Tap into your family experiences and create your own identities. When you understand and support each other’s roles, there’s less chance of resentment building up due to one or both partners feeling burdened or unfairly treated.

STARTING A FAMILY 
Ask what family means to your spouse. That way, you can create a shared concept of your own family. Talk about whether you want to have your own children or adopt, or to remain childless. If you decide on having children, how will you raise them? What roles are you going to play in their lives, and what values are you going to teach them?

FRIENDSHIPS 
Friendship is a very important human need. Discuss the importance of friends and how you’ll manage relationships with them. Will you support each other in keeping your individual friendships; how will you build new ones or strengthen existing ones as a couple?

FINANCES 
Money is a source of security but also great conflict. Talk about what money (or the lack thereof) means to you both, so you can build a relationship of trust and security.

How are you going to use your combined earnings as a couple? What family responsibilities do you have? And what will your respective families expect from you when it comes to money?

Related article: Questions to ask before moving in together.

EXTENDED FAMILY 
Setting boundaries around your relationship can contribute to security within a marriage. Having supportive parents and relatives is important, but couples need to set limits to prevent unnecessary outside influence or interference. Discuss what you expect from your support structure, and where you want the lines drawn. If you struggle to resolve any conflicts, agree on when and where to go for help.

Related article: Divorce the warning signs.

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