TELLTALE SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED

It’s not just about a big, mean boy beating up the small kids. Bullying is much more complicated than that. How do you know your child is a victim and what do you do? Here are some ideas.

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Kids can be mean, people say sometimes. It might not be on purpose, because they are still learning social skills. But when it is deliberate and doesn’t stop, it can be bullying. And for the victims, it could mean emotional problems for years to come.

Experts now describe bullying as aggression between individuals or groups with different levels of power. Even in a more complicated case, the key element is power. It could come from physical strength or popularity, for instance, and the victim is someone seen as less powerful.

THERE ARE 6 KINDS OF BULLYING:

1. PHYSICAL. Physical bullies tend to be bigger, stronger, and more aggressive than their victims.
2. VERBAL. Verbal bullies use words, statements, and name-calling to gain power and control.
3. RELATIONAL. Relational bullies are often tweens and teens trying to hurt peers or sabotage their social standing: cutting them out of groups, spreading rumours, breaking confidences.
4. CYBER. Examples of cyberbullying include posting hurtful images, making online threats, sending hurtful texts.
5. SEXUAL. Sexual bullying is repeated, harmful, humiliating actions that target the victim sexually: crude comments, vulgar gestures, or uninvited touching.
6. PREJUDICIAL. With prejudicial bullying, kids target others who are different from them and singling them out.

Related article: Is your child hanging with the wrong crowd?



SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD MAY BE A VICTIM

INJURIES AND DAMAGE. Belongings that are damaged or stolen, or scrapes and bruises they can’t or won’t explain, are classic signs.

WON’T GO TO SCHOOL. Because school is a hot spot for bullying, a child’s reluctance to wake up and head out in the morning could be a warning sign. Younger children might make the same excuses for staying home (aches or pains). The school nurse might call often, asking you to pick up your child early. Teens are more likely to skip school if there is a problem, so check with teachers that they actually do turn up. Monday is the most common day for wanting to avoid school. The child may have felt safe at home over the weekend and finds it hard to go back.

FRIENDSHIP CHANGE. Loss or changes in friends could be signs of bullying, especially in girls. Reluctance to hang with friends could be a sign of a "mean girls" group, which is bullying.

NOT SLEEPING WELL. Children who worry about what might happen the next day can struggle to fall asleep or have a restless night.

INTENSE EMOTIONAL REACTIONS. A child reacting strongly (“Just leave it!” or “I don’t want to talk about it!”). In younger kids, this tends to be when you bring up school. High school kids might be more intense about Friday and Saturday night.

AVOIDING THE FAMILY. Talking less, going straight to their room after school, acting out against siblings.

BEING DIFFERENT ABOUT DEVICES. A child being bullied online might become too attached to a tablet or phone, or stop using them. Kids might be reluctant to tell you about cyberbullying because they think you might take away their devices.

THE VICTIM STANCE. Children who lack the skills or assertiveness to stand up for themselves often acquire a victim stance. They walk with their head down and aren’t keen to speak their mind. If your child starts doing this, try signing them up for an activity that has no competition with other players, such as judo or martial arts. It will build confidence without the pressure of teammates.

WHAT YOU CAN DO
At all times, really listen when your kids talk and keep your own emotions in check. Let them tell their version of the story and listen without judging or making judgmental comments.

Bullied preschoolers must know that you’re doing something about it. Tell them you’ll talk to the teacher or school. Get help from preschool staff as quickly as you can.

If your child is reluctant to report bullying, go with him to talk to a teacher, guidance counsellor, principal, or school administrator. Teachers are trained to deal with bullying and schools have measures in place, so follow their lead.



Kids can also be taught to look out for one another. Ask how it feels to have someone stand up for them. "When kids speak up, it's ten times more powerful than anything that we'll ever be able to do as an adult," says Walter Roberts, author of Working With Parents of Bullies and Victims.

Practise phrases your child can use to tell someone to stop bullying. These should be simple and direct: Leave me alone or That wasn't nice. The comeback shouldn't be a put-down, because that aggravates a bully, says Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.

Related article: Raising girls with power

QUICK ACTION
When adults respond quickly and consistently to bullying, they show that it is not acceptable. Here are steps adults can take, from StopBullying:

DO:
· Intervene immediately. It is okay to get another adult to help.
· Separate the kids involved.
· Make sure everyone is safe.
· Meet any immediate medical or mental health needs.
· Stay calm. Reassure the kids involved, including bystanders.
· Model respectful behaviour when you intervene.

DON’T:
· Don’t ignore it. Don’t think kids can work it out without adult help.
· Don’t immediately try to sort out the facts.
· Don’t force other kids to say publicly what they saw.
· Don’t question the children involved in front of other kids.
· Don’t talk to the kids involved together, only separately.
· Don’t make the kids involved apologise or patch up relations on the spot.

Bullying sounds like a playground word. But a recent survey found as many adults as children are being bullied in the US. It’s more subtle than with kids: think gaslighting, the “silent treatment” – but victims struggle with problems such as stress, anxiety or depression, a loss of confidence, and even physical conditions.

So the sooner young victims and bullies get help, the better for their future.

Related article: 6 Ways single parents can create a support system

HELPFUL LINKS:
If you are a victim of bullying and you would like to speak to someone about it, contact Childline on 08000 55 555 or The South African Depression and Anxiety Group on 0800 567 567.

Advice from the South African department of basic education: https://www.education.gov.za/Informationfor/Learners/Bullyinginschools.aspx

Information and a tool kit for students, parents, or teachers by the #STOPbullying campaign (https://www.bullying.co.za/home)

Sources: https://www.rd.com, https://raisingchildren.net.au, https://www.parents.com, https://childmind.org, https://www.verywellfamily.com, https://doctorsthatdo.osteopathic.org,


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