HOW TO RAISE BOYS TO BECOME REAL MEN

In most societies, the traditional view is that boys should be strong, and that any show of emotion is a sign of ‘weakness’. This view is challenged by two American authors in a book that aims to guide parents on raising boys who are kind, caring and living their best lives.

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Growing up in a world with very traditional ideas of masculinity, many boys and men have been taught to believe that if they do not show aggression, dominance and ‘toughness’, then they are somehow not a ‘real man’. Because of this, they think that if they show gentleness and kindness – or any emotion, really – it means they aren’t ‘strong’ enough. If they feel they have ‘failed’ to be ‘manly’ enough, for whatever reason – whether they think their physical strength is lacking or they are feeling emotions that they ‘shouldn’t’ – it can give rise to shame, which could cause mental health issues, high-risk behaviours and create a cycle of harm against others and themselves.

Challenging these negative masculine ideals is the focus of Ted Bunch and Anna Marie Johnson Teague, anti-violence educators at A Call To Men, an American organisation that promotes healthy, respectful manhood. Their book, The Book of Dares, 100 Ways For Boys To Be Kind, Bold and Brave, gives parents practical advice for educating their sons on how to be true to themselves, by offering 100 dares to help boys expand their world view and treat their peers with kindness and respect.

THE BURDEN OF CONCEALED EMOTIONS
Musa Khanyile, a clinical psychologist based in Cape Town, says, ‘Society discourages boys from engaging with emotions, thus robbing them of the chance to learn to deal with their emotions and leaving them to grow up burdened by concealed emotions. The result is a society filled with men who do not know how to handle their emotional difficulties.’ He adds that, in situations where they feel vulnerable, such men might choose to be violent. ‘Boys are not born with a natural need to shy away from their emotions; it is just that chances to engage with their emotions are whisked away from them,’ he says. In societies like South Africa, where violence against women and children is prevalent, we have embraced these traditional masculine constructs, which can encourage emotional suppression and discrimination, and incite further violence.

Khanyile says that boys should be allowed to show their emotions, talk about their thoughts and feelings, and cry when they feel like crying, instead of being told ‘stop acting like a girl!’

DANGEROUS MISCONCEPTION
‘Men die by suicide more than women do,’ says Khanyile, ‘and they are less likely to accept help than women are. These two unfortunate facts are connected, and they speak to, among other issues, how men are raised,’ he adds.



‘There are traditional views of manhood that are rooted in distorted ideas of strength. These commonly take the form of expressions such as “big boys don’t cry” or, in my language “indoda ikhalela ngaphakathi”, which translates to “a man weeps within himself”. These expressions, which are passed from generation to generation, reflect a dangerous misconception that emotions are a sign of weakness. We should learn to be attuned to our emotional selves as men who are raising boys, because our children look up to us.’

The Book of Dares offers parents an easy introduction to developing and encouraging healthy manhood and positive behaviours in their sons, leaving them with the confidence and courage to be fully and authentically themselves, and treat others with respect, consideration and kindness.

DID YOU KNOW? Fathers of the Bayaka tribe in central Africa hold their babies for around 20% of the day, and kiss and cuddle them more than the women do.

I DARE YOU TO...
The dares give boys a fun and challenging opportunity to create positive habits, engage with their emotions instead of suppressing them, develop empathy and understanding, and to see vulnerability as a sign of strength, not weakness. These are some of our favourites:

• Dare to do something you love even if it’s not something boys are ‘supposed to do’. Who said boys shouldn’t be dancers? Or seamstresses, or bakers? They should be encouraged to follow their passions, whether they want to be firemen, hairdressers, builders or ballet dancers.
• Dare to ask for help. Barack Obama said, ‘Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it ... asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new.’ Boys who are afraid to ask for help, because they think they will appear weak, will miss out on many of life’s joys and opportunities.
• Dare to stand up for someone who is being bullied. Most bullies are cowards who use meanness, intimidation or violence to hide the fact that they feel in some way not good enough. Ever noticed how bullies never pick on people stronger than them? There’s a Kenyan proverb that goes, ‘A man who uses force is afraid of reasoning’, and Mahatma Gandhi, who inspired freedom and civil rights movements across the world, said, ‘strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.’
• Dare to not put girls down. This one shouldn’t even need saying, but it does. Boys who tease, belittle or disrespect girls are only showing their own weaknesses, much like bullies. Boys who respect everyone, no matter their gender, race, religion or age, will grow into men who are welcomed by the world and live happy, productive and fulfilled lives.
• Dare to cry when you feel like crying. If a boy child hurts himself and he’s told ‘don’t be a crybaby’ he will grow up thinking his feelings don’t matter and are somehow invalid. If a teenager’s girlfriend has broken up with him, telling him to ‘get over it’ or ‘man up!’ will only make him feel worse, because right then he doesn’t feel like a man, he feels like a wounded child. So let him express his hurt (and anger) healthily, by crying – it’s one of nature’s ways of letting us release negative emotions and heal from pain.

• Dare to prove a stereotype wrong. Go on, we really dare you! Stereotypes are what cause divisions between people rather than building healthy relationships and strong bonds of mutual understanding and trust. Gender stereotypes like, ‘boys don’t wear pink’ or ‘only girls play with dolls’ are just as silly as saying ‘all French people eat frogs’.

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