HOW TO REPAIR A FRIENDSHIP OR RECOGNISE IF IT’S TOXIC

Where would we be without our friends? The laughs, the memories, the good times, and the bad – friends make life better. But how do we know when the bad times are actually toxic or when a fading friendship just needs a little extra work?

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We’ve all been there – one minute you’re happily chatting about fun memories with your friend and the next you’re in a heated argument. Days go by and still you two haven’t spoken. When you miss what you and your friend shared, it could be a sign to take steps towards repairing your friendship. But if you feel relieved that you had a fallout, you may have been ignoring the red flags that were warning you to let them go.

Here are a few things you could do to repair your friendship, and a few signs that perhaps you’re better off without them.

1. LET THINGS SETTLE AND ALLOW FOR REFLECTION
If you’re not talking to a friend because of an argument, you may find that taking some time to let your wounds heal could be good for both of you. Acting on what was said too soon may cause things to flare up again. So take the time to reflect, to heal, and to understand each other’s point of view.

2. TALK TO SOMEONE YOU TRUST
Talking about your emotions to someone you can trust, who gives you good advice, and also listens to help, is a good way of letting your emotions out and gaining perspective. This person may help you see things clearer, from a non-bias point of view, and also be able to provide solutions. What you don’t want is to vent to someone – anyone – and end up bad-mouthing your friend in the process. Many times people listen only to respond and this could do more harm than good.

Related article: 10 Types of friends you need in your life

3. DON’T BE AFRAID TO REACH OUT FIRST
Sometimes one of the most difficult things to do after an argument is to reach out first. But what are you really afraid of? That your friend won’t reply? That they might not answer the phone? You’ve already not spoken in days, so what’s the worst thing that could happen? Don’t be afraid to take a leap of faith – you may be pleasantly surprised by their reaction.

4. DON’T PLAY THE BLAME GAME
Dwelling in the past won’t mend your friendship and blaming your friend won’t make for a peaceful conversation either. Look at the bigger picture and try to solve your conflict without blame. Keep in mind that no one is perfect and that sometimes it’s better to accept what has happened and find a way to move forward.



5. APPROACH THE CONVERSATION WITH FORGIVENESS
Think about the result – imagine constructively dissolving your problems and getting your friendship back on track – how amazing would that be? Go into the conversation with forgiveness in mind to help set your tone and intentions on the right path. That means not only forgiving but also accepting your fault in the fallout. Don’t be afraid to apologise. That will be your peace offering and your friend will see that you are accepting your role in the fight.

6. DON’T FORCE AN OUTCOME
One thing you shouldn’t do is force an apology – it won’t be authentic and have meaning. And if your friend does not see the need to reciprocate or work towards a solution, perhaps they need more time to understand and reflect or don't feel the need to continue the friendship.

7. PREPARE TO MOVE ON
If you've tried all of this and your friend still does not want to take steps towards mending your friendship, know that you’ve done everything you could and prepare yourself to move on. You might have found peace and they might not have, but you can move forward knowing that you’ve fought for your friendship as best you could.



CONFLICT STRENGTHENS FRIENDSHIPS
Conflict can be awkward and uncomfortable in any relationship, but once it’s resolved, the relationship becomes even stronger than it was before. The two of you will know the boundaries, you’ll know what hurts your friend and gain a deeper understanding of their emotional needs. And when you come that close to losing a dear friend, you develop a greater appreciation for their friendship.

Related article: The power of female friendships

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR THE RED FLAGS
Disagreements in friendships are not unusual but when a friendship causes you more distress than happiness, it’s something you should be concerned about. Here are a few red flags to be on the lookout for.

1. YOUR FRIEND GOSSIPS ABOUT YOU. You should be able to tell your friend something in confidence without worrying about everyone else knowing about it the next day.

2. YOUR FRIEND COMPARES YOU TO OTHER PEOPLE. If you have a friend who constantly points out how you don’t measure up to their friends, that’s not okay.

3. YOUR FRIEND TRIES TO CHANGE YOU. A real friend understands that everyone is different and will accept you for who you are. If you need guidance, a real friend would wait for you to ask and support your journey.

4. YOUR FRIEND PUTS YOU DOWN. Jokes amongst friends are common, but when that joke turns into something that’s demeaning and makes you feel sad, it probably isn’t a healthy relationship.

5. YOUR FRIEND ONLY CARES ABOUT THEMSELVES. If your friend talks about themselves for hours without barely giving you a chance, it might be time to reconsider your friendship.

Related article: What is gaslighting and how can you heal from it?