HOW TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH A CHILD YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD

What do you do when you’re faced with fathering a child you never knew you had, or failed to build a relationship with?

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Finding out you have a child you didn’t know about can bring about a lot of conflicting emotions. Building a relationship with a child you’ve never known is tricky, but patience and understanding can go a long way towards creating a long and loving bond. ‘When you have to unexpectedly parent a child who is grown up, or one you did not expect to raise, there are several emotions that you could experience including shock, anger, denial, confusion, sadness, depression and ultimately acceptance,’ says clinical psychologist Dr Giada Del Fabbro. These are all normal responses to an unexpected situation that will have a major impact on your life.

BABY STEPS
Some people choose not to have kids because they are not ready for parenting, so if a child shows up at your door and needs parenting, things become difficult for everyone involved. Perhaps the child’s biological mom has passed on and you are the only person who can take care of them, or the mother decided only to reveal you as the father later in the child’s life.

Depending on the situation and the child’s age, it could take a long time for them to accept a new parent, and forcing a relationship can backfire.

Related article: How to be a hands-on dad

ACCEPTANCE FROM BOTH SIDES
You and the child will need to get to know one another slowly. If they are already a teenager, there will be added pressures and tensions, as teenagers feel things intensely – and tend to take things personally. Patience is key; this is a new relationship and it will take time for both of you to get used to one another. It’s important to give the child and yourself time and space to negotiate the new relationship and to accept one another. Find time and activities where you can get to know each other. ‘With teenagers, it may be useful to start off with regular short visits (if they don’t live with you) where you could share a meal or do things together that the teenager enjoys,’ says Del Fabbro.

GETTING TO KNOW YOUR CHILD
For teenagers, it’s important to strike a balance between allowing them freedom and space, and being firm with discipline. You (and your partner if you have one) will have to spend some time thinking about what is appropriate and allowed in your house. Issues, such as curfews, school schedules, social arrangements and boyfriends/girlfriends would all need to be thought about and discussed so that everyone is on the same page. If you do have a partner, it’s vital that the two of you are consistent in your rules. You might find younger kids easier to work with because they adjust more quickly than teenagers.

Parental counselling can be helpful, especially if you have no experience of parenting. A counsellor can help you to understand children’s needs at different ages and guide you in setting up rules and routines.

Related article: I became a single dad and here’s what helped



HELPING YOUR PARTNER BUILD A RELATIONSHIP
A child who has spent all of their life with their biological mother will have learnt her values and lifestyle. If you and your partner are meeting the child for the first time, you need to put aside your opinions about their mother’s values or lifestyle. It’s important for you and your partner to spend a lot of time building a relationship with the child before starting to introduce your values and rules. Even once you have established a relationship, slowly begin actively parenting the child in cooperation with their mother, if she’s still around. Also, have a conversation with her about her parenting style, and discuss how you can work together.

IF THE CHILD DOESN’T LIKE YOUR PARTNER
Younger children will usually settle into a comfortable relationship before too long with anyone who treats them kindly and fairly, with understanding and respect. Teenagers need more time and space. If he/she doesn’t like your partner, you need to respect that and not try to force things. It won’t be easy, but if you and your partner are loving yet consistent in applying rules, over time you can build a mutually respectful relationship.

INTRODUCING SIBLINGS
If you already have children, it’s important to prepare them for the new addition to the family. Talk to them about the changes that are about to happen, and reassure them that you love them and always will. They might still feel replaced by the new child and be resentful and jealous. This is normal. Give them all time to get used to one another. You can’t force them to get along, but you can have regular family outings like going to the park or to the movies together. Even if they don’t like one another at first, insist that they are respectful towards each other. And very importantly, always be fair and treat them equally.

DON’T FORGET YOURSELF
As important as it is to consider the feelings of those around you, you first need to deal with your own feelings towards the child and your new role – if necessary, see a counsellor. Then you can consider how this is going to change your relationship with your partner. Spend time discussing how you are going to parent the child and deal with any new challenges that might arise. It is also important to spend quality time together as a couple and discuss any issues that may affect your relationship as a result of the extra family member.

Related article: 8 tips for single dads

DOS AND DON’TS
DO take a DNA test to make 100% sure that you are the father.

DO try to contact the biological mother if she’s still around. Speak to her and see if you can’t figure out a custody/support agreement, then get it filed through the courts.

DO talk to your new child in a calm, loving manner about the situation and expect some backlash or anger. Let them know it’s okay to be upset.

DON’T expect things to be normal; situations like these take time getting used to. Take things slowly, as everyone involved will need time to adjust.

Where to find help:
The Family Life Centre: familylife.co.za +2711 788 4784
Famsa Western Cape: famsawc.org.za +2721 447 7951
Families SA Durban: famsadbn.co.za +2731 202 8987