HOW TO COPE WITH A PARENT’S MENTAL ILLNESS

It can be confusing and emotionally upsetting to have a parent with a mental illness. We look at the implications for children, as well as ways to help and heal.

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According to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG), one in three South Africans have, or will develop, a mental illness at some stage in their life. While we’re all aware that children who are abused may develop into dysfunctional adults or abusers themselves, it’s less widely understood that emotional neglect or instability in the home can also leave a child with trauma adaptations that last for years, if not a lifetime.

‘When I was eight, my dad had an argument with his boss and quit his job,’ says Jerusha, now 29. ‘He couldn’t find another job for about six months, and became impossible to live with. He was so angry. When he wasn’t shouting at me and my mom, he was cold and quiet. I thought it was my fault, that I was the reason he’d lose his temper. I tried to become as inoffensive and small as possible. It was only years later, as an adult, I realised he had been very depressed, and afraid – and that even to this day, I hide behind a mask of “niceness” and struggle to assert myself because I’m terrified of causing anger.’

Jerusha’s story is a common one; not because many of us had parents who lost their job, but because many of us grew up with parents who suffered from a mental illness such as depression. Three of the most common severe mental illnesses include schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder, but less severe disorders such as generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety and PTSD are also fairly common. Even the most loving, attentive parents can develop a short-term mental illness that can affect their children emotionally.

Related article: What is mental illness?

DID YOU KNOW?
Healthcare and frontline workers have been worst affected by Covid-19 in terms of mental health. – sacoronavirus.co.za



THE LONG-TERM EFFECTS
How are children likely to experience such conditions? ‘Children who grow up in a household where a parent is suffering from mental illness are shown to develop poor attachment formation, and it can negatively affect their cognitive, emotional, social and behavioural development,’ says Cape Town family counsellor Mimi Hewett.

‘For example, children raised by a parent with major depressive disorder might develop fears of developing their parent’s illness. They might also feel responsible, or to blame for their parent’s mental illness.’ Added to their inner turmoil, she says, ‘they might be neglected physically or emotionally by the sick parent, and they might struggle to form a loving, trusting bond with the parent, and in any intimate relationships thereafter.’

The reason young children of mentally ill parents can be so deeply affected is that they tend to evaluate themselves in relation to their experiences and then internalise this. ‘Kids will often feel responsible for something that happened (positive or negative) to someone close to them, and think that it was because of them that this thing happened,’ says Hewett.

‘This is why young kids, who may not be aware of what mental illness is, might blame themselves for their parent’s illness, or think that it happened because they were not “good enough”. This can have severe long-term effects on the child. Even when they grow up, they may believe they are to blame for any “bad things” that happen to them. Children may also withdraw, become anxious and struggle to focus on their school work, which can further affect them negatively.’

“It is important to allow kids to talk about their experiences, to work through the trauma, and to feel supported by caring adults.”

Related article: I feel nothing: How to deal with emotional numbness

EDUCATION + COMMUNICATION = HEALING
Education is key when it comes to managing the potential trauma caused by a mentally ill parent. If children understand that their parent is mentally ill, and the behaviour this causes, they are less likely to blame themselves.

‘It is also important to allow kids to talk about their experiences, to work through the trauma, and to feel supported by caring adults, ideally a mental health professional,’ adds Hewett. Such a person could also go a long way towards fostering a more nurturing relationship between parent and child.

Besides talking to a mental health professional, it’s also helpful if other adults in young children’s lives allow them to talk about their feelings, and let them know that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and there’s nothing to ‘hide’. For older children, joining a support group specifically for family members of people suffering from mental illness can be healing. ‘There is no need to suffer in silence and go through this alone,’ says Hewett. ‘Reach out and ask for help – it is actually the bravest thing you can do!’

Related article: Suicide prevention: Help is always available

WHERE TO FIND HELP
South African Depression & Anxiety
Group (SADAG)
☎ 0800 567 567
🌐 sadag.org


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