The first year of marriage can have its challenges, but you can learn to weather any storm together. Here are five tips to help you stay connected in the first year.
Marriage can be both rewarding and frustrating and confusing, as you try to overcome the obstacles that come with merging two lives. How you and your partner tackle these challenges during the first year of marriage will set the tone for your shared future in years to come.
Cape Town-based counsellor Tami Cruse says it’s crucial that couples always keep the shared end-goal in mind when navigating these roadblocks. ‘I like to use the analogy of two trees finding a way to grow together. During the first year of marriage, the two trees are beginning to adjust to their shared soil and newly intertwined roots. While flutters of excitement and love can fill the air, it can also feel a little cramped or overwhelming. All of this is normal and a common experience in the early stages,’ she says.
With that in mind, here are five tips to help you stay connected in the first year:
PLAN NEW RITUALS OR TRADITIONS
‘Creating new traditions can create a sense of continuity, safety and unity in your marriage,’ says Tami. It’s important that you create a tradition that is personal and that you both enjoy doing. ‘It can be something as simple as going out for a special dinner and chatting about your social plans for the month ahead, or staying in every Friday night to cuddle and binge-watch your favourite series together.’
DO REGULAR CHECK-INS WITH EACH OTHER
‘Some couples find it helpful to have a check-in once a week over dinner, others may do it once a month,’ says Tami. In this scheduled slot, couples have the opportunity to give and receive gentle and loving feedback. Tami suggests starting with a scaling question – asking your partner to rate their experience on a scale of one to 10 – and then moving onto more open-ended questions.
Some examples of scaling questions are:
Open-ended questions can look like:
GO TOWARD THEM
‘We are constantly bidding for connection in our daily lives,’ explains Tami. ‘As we bid up against our partner’s cellphone, job, friends or hobbies, we hope that in some of these interactions, the bidding will fall in our favour.’
PLAN NEW RITUALS OR TRADITIONS
‘Creating new traditions can create a sense of continuity, safety and unity in your marriage,’ says Tami. It’s important that you create a tradition that is personal and that you both enjoy doing. ‘It can be something as simple as going out for a special dinner and chatting about your social plans for the month ahead, or staying in every Friday night to cuddle and binge-watch your favourite series together.’
DO REGULAR CHECK-INS WITH EACH OTHER
‘Some couples find it helpful to have a check-in once a week over dinner, others may do it once a month,’ says Tami. In this scheduled slot, couples have the opportunity to give and receive gentle and loving feedback. Tami suggests starting with a scaling question – asking your partner to rate their experience on a scale of one to 10 – and then moving onto more open-ended questions.
Some examples of scaling questions are:
- ‘How valued and loved did I make you feel this week?’
- ‘Did you feel we had enough quality time together this week?’
- ‘Did you get enough personal and independent time this week?’
Open-ended questions can look like:
- ‘Is there anything that happened between us this week that you’re still struggling with?’
- ‘How could I have supported you more this past week?’
- ‘What did I do this week that you really enjoyed?’
GO TOWARD THEM
‘We are constantly bidding for connection in our daily lives,’ explains Tami. ‘As we bid up against our partner’s cellphone, job, friends or hobbies, we hope that in some of these interactions, the bidding will fall in our favour.’
She uses the following scenario to illustrate how a simple reaction can dictate the events that follow. Let’s say you and your partner are walking past a coffee shop, and they say to you, ‘Wow, that chocolate cake looks delicious!’ In the ‘going toward’ reaction, you might react by saying, ‘Mmm, that does look good... Maybe we can come back here over the weekend to share a slice?’ In the ‘going away’ reaction, you might be distracted by your phone and ignore them. ‘In this scenario, your partner was trying to bid for connection with you, and they lost the bid to your phone,’ says Tami.
In the ‘going against’ reaction, you might react by saying, ‘I don’t like chocolate cake’. This type of response, of course, shuts down any further connection. ‘These moments in our life are called micro moments or micro attempts for connection,’ says Tami. ‘In these moments, it’s important to go toward your partner as much as possible. Three out of five attempts for connection need to be “going toward” reactions for meaningful relationships to develop and last.’
LEARN EACH OTHER’S LOVE LANGUAGE
This is the way that we tend to express and receive love in an effort to get our emotional needs met. There are five ways: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time and gifts. ‘Getting to know which of the love languages make you and your partner feel loved is important to ensure both partners feel loved and appreciated from the start of the marriage,’ says Tami.
‘While your own personal combination of languages should be communicated to your partner to help them understand this part of you, you need to show your love for them through their love languages as well.’
SPELL IT OUT
Remember that your partner is not a mind reader. ‘Sharing what you’re feeling, needing, struggling with, wanting and thinking is how lasting relationships are built,’ says Tami. ‘Saying you need more affection, compliments, quality time, intimacy or more of anything is how you can move closer to getting your needs met.’
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Words by: Emma Follett-Botha
Photographs: Gallo/Getty Images
In the ‘going against’ reaction, you might react by saying, ‘I don’t like chocolate cake’. This type of response, of course, shuts down any further connection. ‘These moments in our life are called micro moments or micro attempts for connection,’ says Tami. ‘In these moments, it’s important to go toward your partner as much as possible. Three out of five attempts for connection need to be “going toward” reactions for meaningful relationships to develop and last.’
LEARN EACH OTHER’S LOVE LANGUAGE
This is the way that we tend to express and receive love in an effort to get our emotional needs met. There are five ways: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time and gifts. ‘Getting to know which of the love languages make you and your partner feel loved is important to ensure both partners feel loved and appreciated from the start of the marriage,’ says Tami.
‘While your own personal combination of languages should be communicated to your partner to help them understand this part of you, you need to show your love for them through their love languages as well.’
@thinkmediaofficial The 5 Love Languages #lovelanguage #fivelovelanguages #personalitytests ♬ original sound - Think Media
SPELL IT OUT
Remember that your partner is not a mind reader. ‘Sharing what you’re feeling, needing, struggling with, wanting and thinking is how lasting relationships are built,’ says Tami. ‘Saying you need more affection, compliments, quality time, intimacy or more of anything is how you can move closer to getting your needs met.’
READ MORE
- Us: Getting Past You & Me To Build a More Loving Relationship by Terrence Real
- The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
- First Year of Marriage: The Newlywed’s Guide to Building a Strong Foundation and Adjusting to Married Life by Marcus & Ashley Kusi
Words by: Emma Follett-Botha
Photographs: Gallo/Getty Images
HOW TO STAY CONNECTED IN YOUR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
October 11, 2023
Rating:
Reviewed by Amaarah
on
October 11, 2023
Rating:
