LETTING GO OF TOXIC FAMILY DYNAMICS

New year, new you, right? Here’s how to cleanse toxic family dynamics – or let go of relationships that no longer serve you.

---

Some people are blessed to have been born into a loving family that enjoys spending time together, having drama-free holidays and making the most of every occasion. For others, even a phone call from a family member can send them into a spiral, and they leave family gatherings feeling bad about themselves, frustrated, anxious, resentful or angry.

A toxic family dynamic can have a lasting impact on your life. Instead of providing comfort and security, guidance and strength, a feeling of belonging and unconditional love, unhealthy or toxic family relationships are emotionally draining.

They create stress and can cause health issues. All is not lost if this is the case for you – there are ways to improve relationships and create more positive family dynamics.


PRACTISE POSITIVE COMMUNICATION
Positive communication means listening without judging, sharing your thoughts and emotions freely but respectfully, and allowing everyone involved to feel heard, valued and respected.

When one family member wants to talk, they should be given the opportunity to share their point of view or feelings, be encouraged to speak and be listened to. Positively affirm their actions, encourage them with praise, and let them know that you appreciate and love them.

Don’t be scared to talk openly about difficult subjects and feelings. It helps to take a step back and think about how you really feel when these topics arise, instead of having a knee-jerk reaction or shutting down and refusing to communicate.

Remember, too, that not all communication happens verbally. Try to be mindful of the nonverbal messages you or your family members might be sending. Practising positive communication also means respecting someone’s desire to not talk, and giving them time and space. They will approach you when they are ready.

SET BOUNDARIES
Emotional or personal boundaries not only help protect us from abuse, they also guide us in how to build healthy relationships that meet our expectations.

Have your family members think about how they feel about specific issues so they can recognise what their boundaries are. This might involve discussing what they like or dislike about interactions, or what should or should not occur in relationships.

Practise setting your own boundaries clearly. It is okay to say no if you feel uncomfortable or don’t want to do something; explaining your reasons can often help others understand. If they still cannot accept it, keep your boundary strong and do not give in to please others.

IDENTIFY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
If you identify how you want to be treated and know your rights in a relationship, you will be more aware of unhealthy relationships. Think about how you would like to be treated and treat others in the same way.

Learn to recognise signs of unhealthy relationships (and impart that knowledge to your children). These signs include dishonesty, disrespect and dynamics of control – whether this is allowing someone else to make all the decisions, or telling them what they can or cannot do.

LET GO IF IT NO LONGER SERVES YOU
Letting go of a toxic relationship – especially if it is with a family member – can be very difficult because it will likely have an impact on the entire family. Communication is key. The first step is awareness, recognising the problem and understanding what makes it an unhealthy dynamic for you.

Take a hard look at your relationship and be honest with yourself. Consider whether this relationship is serving you positively, or whether it is negatively impacting on other areas of your life.

Is there any way it can be salvaged? If you have tried to work it out but without success, accept it and let it go. Allow yourself to feel those complex emotions rather than bottling them up.

Give yourself time to heal and accept the situation for what it is. Remember that every person in your life is there to teach you something; try to find the lesson in that. You can only move forward and learn from the experience.

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Spend time nurturing self-love and self-respect. Practise self-care daily – have a good night’s sleep, eat healthy food that will make you feel good, take a relaxing bath. Do something that puts you first at least once a day.

Remember that all families struggle occasionally, and it is essential that all members are treated with love and respect. An unhealthy relationship can feel unstable or frustrating, but having clear boundaries and proactive communication will help you manage the situation. Remember, when a family works together, everyone feels supported.

Words by: Leah Dennis
Photo: Gallo/Getty Images