HOW TO TELL IF YOUR TEEN IS LYING TO YOU

Do you suspect your child might be a little fibber? Follow this expert guide to sniff out the seven most common clues to when they’re not being truthful

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Most humans can fib by the time they are four years old. The prevalence of obvious lying decreases as kids reach their teen years, but their skills sharpen. Studies have shown that adults who claim to never lie do, in fact, fabricate facts at least twice a day! “We are born to lie – it’s part of what keeps the species going,” says Dr Alan Hirsch, a psychiatrist/neurologist and author of How to Tell If Your Teenager is Lying.
Lying is taught, he points out. Teens observe their parents telling falsehoods such as “I didn’t get your message until it was too late” or “The food tastes delicious” and follow suit. These lies might not be life-threatening, but it does teach them to lie at a time when they are particularly vulnerable to trying out rebellious and potentially harmful behaviour.

“Teens tend to be the best liars, partially because there is so much they try to lie about as part of individuation,” explains Dr Hirsch. “Being able to determine a truthful or deceptive statement becomes essential.”

LIAR, LIAR
There are several ‘tells’ or clues that someone is lying, according to Hirsch. Their stressed mental state causes physical reactions that you can pick up on and call out. Here are seven common signs to keep an eye out for:

1. THE ‘PINOCCHIO EFFECT’
When someone lies, their blood pressure rises and histamines are released, which inflames the nasal tissues. When you lie, your sympathetic nervous system also kicks in, which triggers a fight-or-flight response. The result? An itchy nose. They’ll end up touching their nose often, and in that way also partially shield their face from you.

2. CLAMMY HANDS
The fight-or-flight response also causes a constriction of the outer blood vessels, which draws the blood into the centre of the body. As a result, hands and feet become cold and clammy. But there’s a catch, says Hirsch. “Teens will move away from you during a lie. They don’t want anyone touching them, even if they feel cold.”

3. THE LIAR’S ‘LEAN’
As Hirsch explains: “What happens is you’re trying to bring the person into the lie with you, so you’ll lean closer and your body language will say ‘come and be an accomplice’. This could happen several times in just a minute.”

4. THE EXPANSIONS OF CONTRACTIONS
Whether your teen is a smooth talker or a bad liar, language and how they use it are the clearest ways to detect a lie. Normally, people use contractions during speech, such as wouldn’t, couldn’t or shouldn’t. But liars noticeably switch to expansions, like would not, could not and should not. “This is an attempt to emphasise that it isn’t a lie,” says Hirsch. “By emphasising the ‘not’, you’re convincing them – and yourself – that the lie didn’t happen.”

5. QUALIFIERS ARE RED FLAGS
According to Hirsch, if your teen is qualifying every statement with words like ‘essentially’, ‘sometimes’ and ‘hardly ever’, chances are they’re covering up the truth and may even believe it themselves. “The partial truth is there, and if they convince themselves there is partial truth, they will use these markers to a lesser degree,” he says. “There are obvious red flags like ‘honestly’ – you know that what they’re saying next is not true.”

6. TRAPPING THE LIE
Whether it’s sipping a glass of water, tightening their fists or crossing their arms or legs, fibbers will try to stop the deception from ‘escaping’. “The lie wants to come out, but they feel guilty and they want to purge themselves of the guilt,” says Hirsch.

7. THROAT-CLEARING AND PAUSE FILLERS
If the lie is big enough, the body’s autonomic nervous system kicks in and downloads a rush of adrenaline, causing a dry mouth and lips. “You lick your lips more, you clear your throat and feel very thirsty,” says Hirsch. In between sips, the liar is more likely to add fillers such as ‘um’ and ‘ah’, because when you lie, you have to think about the lie a little bit, he explains. “So, there are more pause fillers and stuttering. A lot of people stutter, so it’s tricky to tell whether someone is lying in this case unless they’re usually very fluent.”

LEAD THEM AWAY FROM LIES
Teaching children to lie is easier than teaching them to tell the truth, mostly because there are so many other influences in their lives. However, the surest way to encourage truth-telling is to pass on your own values about honesty, integrity and openness.
The key is to really listen to what they say. “One of the challenges is that we don’t listen very well. We’re thinking about what we want to say next, as opposed to what they are actually saying. So, stop and listen to how they’re saying things. Then you’ll have a better idea of the truth or the hidden truth they’re trying to say,” advises Hirsch.

A good opportunity to do this is to get the family around the table for a meal. Let everyone chat about their day and see what comes to the surface. “It allows teens to express their feelings in a non-judgemental setting,” says Hirsch. “It shows them that people care enough to listen.”

Words by: Charndré Emma Kippie
Photo: Balanced Life Magazine, supplied